Relativity of Reality, 2020 revelations
California feels like a show gone on too many seasons; like I should have left set back in 2018 if possible. (I did not want to do a spin-off but stuck here because can't sell the house while owing years of taxes from past tennants being abusive jerks.) Attempting work definitely felt like it would realistically always be out of reach; library volunteering gave me a connection to purpose. spring 2019 Finally meeting new people, having a Local FWB and nearby freind proved my ability to social progress although anxiety with drinking hangover dug into getting older/existential spins. Felt like i was getting a balance back (even after job program dissolved, i had gone for 2 interviews); still anxiety about money for the house and stupid tax bullshit flashing back to the end of crazy years. My meds were starting to really work beginning 2018, lasted about 2 years and i was pretty stable by fall of 2019, the only drama is the expected Luis uncertainties at random...
Even getting back in touch with Luis had up and downs; me fighting old habits of irrational reaction and his toxic accrued damage antagonizing mine. of course i'm stubborn and got convinced the drama was stilll worth it for 18 months until not. took a season off then he actually owned up to it and repaired most things, but with the caveat that kink was off the table until we were certain everything could heal. Ironically it literally took the pandemic starting in 2020 for us to establish a decent rapport that seemed promising...still frustrating for a few reasons but forgivable and both of us at fault (though annoyed we cant overcome certain moods).
Fall 2020 i have survived the summer and have paid off taxes, so in a MUCH better mental place but still very drained from reboot fatigue. dealbreakers for me still are feeling connected and present becuase not doing so is triggering to me...and Luis had had enough consistency that if i couldnt get through after making it serious on everythign else then i would have to settle for that chance dissapearing. It was late November and beginning to feel like i was watching a scene from a drama where it's very sad, becuase two people are supposed to connect doing the same thing; he couldnt' even focus attention on watching the movie WITH me after all the attention i put on it being a sign of emotional immaturity to insist on his perspective mattering more than my comfort. The "Opera" last act had shown itself and mourning seemed appropriate for December coming up. i felt like it's fair to tell him what i had figured out and why that wouldn't work and just how much it hurt that i'd have to process this dissapointment now along with the usual reflections. i think he got it at long last still fuzzy on detail his words. there were plans possibly for the 18th, COVID scare around his work, testing and last minute messaging but i made it up to his place for the night, it just sucked him having work at 4am the next day. But we watched a NEW show that was exactly waht i needed, hidden gem in the crime drama genre called "white collar" that i got way into and binged too deep into the seasons. took a break and hoepfully we can watch the rest together.
too much escapism vibes make me anxious and it seemed like all of january i was so bored after making it through christmas. couldn't concentrate on starting new (french rosetta stone) beucase lack of motivation, library had started request service for pickup but thigns still take weeks to arrive, even itunes seemed like always almost done never would get done (IT IS NOW :-D). decided to start with exercise and aim for streaks, added french, and goal of hiking new trails. school started in february but still brain doesnt always want to read for fun, tv is slow to air weekly during winter and social hasn't been a thing...
it still just feels surreal whenever i leave san marcos driving through vista or oceanside, i can't help but get all the random memories but it feels like that iwas a different life, so disconnected from anything before 2017. chula vista will always be a grounding place, even though i escaped to there it also is restorative and a reminder of real people i can trust stu is just too intense at times. but i feel like i've already left and that i'm not really here when i think about meeting anyone new or joinging anything beucase why bother when i'm going to leave. can't afford to live how i want and odds against me to be employed or find serious relationship in a year so why stay after school is done? now that i'm much more sane i want to be around the family and be the Aunt living with cats, would not have wanted them to be around me much between 2014-17 and needed the therapy and attempt at school prior.
the tv show themes of being set in a place until you start the next life really hit me, the main character not sure of which life is real, does that make any of it feel real when you know it will get erased and not matter hwen starting over? dissociation always brings me back to a coping mechanism for trauma and then i kept thinking about the show plot and how it affected my feelings...super frustrating that i want to enjoy entritainment and apparently anything that triggers is impossible during this season, especially january. all the existential panic...