we tried to wash our hands of all of this;
have a dream I’m falling down
on my face - scrape my knees
scrape my hands until they bleed
[you're] fast asleep next to me ...
sometimes i get so frustrated with myself and my own uncontrollable feelings. i resent the fact, still, that i woke up in the icu and was alive. i was recently informed that my heart rate dropped so low that i almost had to have a pacemaker. a nineteen year old with a fucking pacemaker. happy birthday, mom... you got to watch me flirt with death as my vitals dropped lower and lower and eventually barely stabilized. what the fuck is wrong with me? they are all drilling into my head that there are so many people that love and care about me - more than i know. i don't want to do it anymore. i just wish that it would've ended. selfishly.
my boyfriend is wonderful. my sponsor asked me to think about what i'm doing dating a newcomer when i have almost three years. i don't know, i'm an emotional trainwreck, or was. and i'm sponsoring someone now, it's one of the most amazing things i've experienced. she's sixteen which is the same age i was when i got sober. ron told me a week prior to go find someone to work with. i called him up and asked him if he was on miss cleo's psychic network. she came up to me and asked me if i would sponsor her because "you sound like the kind of sponsor i need". i was having an emotional meltdown in the meeting about doug. so much guilt. so when it's really bad, i guess it's not that bad.
big tom (my big biker friend) went up to nick and was like "SO YA LIKE THE CRAZY ONES, DO YA?" haha. maureen always asks, "how free do you wanna be?". that's a good question. my friendship with older nick is squashed basically... he was my best friend and visited me 24/7 in the hospital and spent our birthday w/ me at the hospital. now he's going after this stupid bitch and i'm like yesterday's news. i don't have time for people like that in my life. and the bitch is saying that john is stalking her. hell no. she broke his heart by sleeping over at nick's when they were dating and she's convinced maureen he's a stalker.
john is the one who went with me when kristin took off from the meeting drunk and i made her get in the car and we talked to her after when she sobered up and i gave her my marble heart and a note saying that she's a great person and to call me anytime. she left me a sweet message yesterday about how much it meant to her. john is no stalker. he's a great friend. and kathleen, whom i used to hate is my only female friend in aa, and i was venting to her last night about all this drama shit. so much drama in aa. and i've got a magnetic force attracting me to chaos.
on my face - scrape my knees
scrape my hands until they bleed
[you're] fast asleep next to me ...
sometimes i get so frustrated with myself and my own uncontrollable feelings. i resent the fact, still, that i woke up in the icu and was alive. i was recently informed that my heart rate dropped so low that i almost had to have a pacemaker. a nineteen year old with a fucking pacemaker. happy birthday, mom... you got to watch me flirt with death as my vitals dropped lower and lower and eventually barely stabilized. what the fuck is wrong with me? they are all drilling into my head that there are so many people that love and care about me - more than i know. i don't want to do it anymore. i just wish that it would've ended. selfishly.
my boyfriend is wonderful. my sponsor asked me to think about what i'm doing dating a newcomer when i have almost three years. i don't know, i'm an emotional trainwreck, or was. and i'm sponsoring someone now, it's one of the most amazing things i've experienced. she's sixteen which is the same age i was when i got sober. ron told me a week prior to go find someone to work with. i called him up and asked him if he was on miss cleo's psychic network. she came up to me and asked me if i would sponsor her because "you sound like the kind of sponsor i need". i was having an emotional meltdown in the meeting about doug. so much guilt. so when it's really bad, i guess it's not that bad.
big tom (my big biker friend) went up to nick and was like "SO YA LIKE THE CRAZY ONES, DO YA?" haha. maureen always asks, "how free do you wanna be?". that's a good question. my friendship with older nick is squashed basically... he was my best friend and visited me 24/7 in the hospital and spent our birthday w/ me at the hospital. now he's going after this stupid bitch and i'm like yesterday's news. i don't have time for people like that in my life. and the bitch is saying that john is stalking her. hell no. she broke his heart by sleeping over at nick's when they were dating and she's convinced maureen he's a stalker.
john is the one who went with me when kristin took off from the meeting drunk and i made her get in the car and we talked to her after when she sobered up and i gave her my marble heart and a note saying that she's a great person and to call me anytime. she left me a sweet message yesterday about how much it meant to her. john is no stalker. he's a great friend. and kathleen, whom i used to hate is my only female friend in aa, and i was venting to her last night about all this drama shit. so much drama in aa. and i've got a magnetic force attracting me to chaos.