We've lost romance;
I've eaten quite a lot today :(
Approx. 660 calories, yuck.
Crystal light, water, cereal, some bread, 3 cookies, and frozen veggies.
I suppose it could be worse. Maybe.
I think if I don't eat the rest of the day, I could weigh less tomorrow.
So I think water, hot cocoa, and tea for the rest of the day. Maybe an apple. Maybe.
I've been off school for three weeks so far.
And what I now know and realize:
I have a slight case of depression; I'm miserable, sad, I feel worthless and fat. I'm falling into my ED a lot. I'm terribly out of shape. I have low self-esteem.
I don't have many friends, but lots of acquaintances, I don't let people get close at all, I always give up on guys before anything really happens
I'm terrified of living, I don't want to live anymore, I don't see any point in living, I'm not afraid of death
And I realize that this all could be fixed in time. I don't want to live, but I know I can if I tried. I have a teensy bit of hope that life can get better and I might be okay one day. It's only a tiny grain of hope, but I still have it. So that's why I'm not going to kill myself or anything.
But, I'm going to let myself get worse in my ED. I want to lose weight and starving makes me feel better. It makes everything better.
My hunger is my friend and it helps keep the world at bay. It helps me feel calm and collected. It helps me live. As twisted as that is, I can live for hunger. I don't think I'd ever tell anyone in real life before I've lost the weight I want to lose (72/84 is ugw). It's not like they'd believe I have an ED before I look it, people are stupid.
And with all these things I've realized, I've also come to realize that I'm not going to wake up one day and feel better. There's no magic pill or advice that can help. I have to discover life for myself. I have to figure out why I want to live. Which I don't have yet, but I'm still holding on because someday I might be able to answer that. Life is hard. But it's all we have. And right now, surviving is one of the only things on my agenda to do. That, and university, a job, and some friends. All possible. Just have to stay positive.
lovelove,
<3CG
Approx. 660 calories, yuck.
Crystal light, water, cereal, some bread, 3 cookies, and frozen veggies.
I suppose it could be worse. Maybe.
I think if I don't eat the rest of the day, I could weigh less tomorrow.
So I think water, hot cocoa, and tea for the rest of the day. Maybe an apple. Maybe.
I've been off school for three weeks so far.
And what I now know and realize:
I have a slight case of depression; I'm miserable, sad, I feel worthless and fat. I'm falling into my ED a lot. I'm terribly out of shape. I have low self-esteem.
I don't have many friends, but lots of acquaintances, I don't let people get close at all, I always give up on guys before anything really happens
I'm terrified of living, I don't want to live anymore, I don't see any point in living, I'm not afraid of death
And I realize that this all could be fixed in time. I don't want to live, but I know I can if I tried. I have a teensy bit of hope that life can get better and I might be okay one day. It's only a tiny grain of hope, but I still have it. So that's why I'm not going to kill myself or anything.
But, I'm going to let myself get worse in my ED. I want to lose weight and starving makes me feel better. It makes everything better.
My hunger is my friend and it helps keep the world at bay. It helps me feel calm and collected. It helps me live. As twisted as that is, I can live for hunger. I don't think I'd ever tell anyone in real life before I've lost the weight I want to lose (72/84 is ugw). It's not like they'd believe I have an ED before I look it, people are stupid.
And with all these things I've realized, I've also come to realize that I'm not going to wake up one day and feel better. There's no magic pill or advice that can help. I have to discover life for myself. I have to figure out why I want to live. Which I don't have yet, but I'm still holding on because someday I might be able to answer that. Life is hard. But it's all we have. And right now, surviving is one of the only things on my agenda to do. That, and university, a job, and some friends. All possible. Just have to stay positive.
lovelove,
<3CG