The streets you're walking on, a thousand houses long....
I've been fooling myself.
Something has been eating me for the past few days, and then today I realized that I'm having a Liz relapse. Lately I'm really, really bad at just accepting and dealing with things like this. I've always got some "Oh this doesn't happen to me because I'm emotionally invincible" or some other equally stupid shit like that to convince me that I'm "really just fine."
I mean, six months later am I supposed to dream about her and then wake up only to realize all that shit is over? Its like I'm there again, the streets of Paris on an windy, cold, but beautifully bright day in late winter. Its always so vivid. Even more vivid than are the feelings. Relief, happiness, complete and wonderful disbelief that we're together in one of the most beautiful cities on earth. How it felt to go to sleep and wake up next to her again after four months apart.
And then I wake up alone.
Thats a great way to start the day let me tell you. I must sound so much like a pussy, but this has happened to me four times in the past 2 weeks. I feel like I'm about to lose my fucking mind. I mean of course it wasn't great towards the end, and there's a damned good reason for that, but so much of it was so wonderful. I'm so tired of thinking about it....I just want to be over it. But I'm still in love. But with who, with what?!
And there's really not much more to it than that. Circumstances change, people change, life changes them. But as decisively as I walked out of the relationship, I'm still nursing a thorougly broken heart, and its troubling. I did what was best for me, even if it hurt. And it really, really did. And it still does. And I hope it won't for much longer. But it might.
There's two or three songs I can name right now that would without a doubt bring me to tears (a sobbing mess, mind you) in just a few notes. There's this one particular song on Coldplay's X&Y (Swallowed In The Sea, I think its called) that I used to love. It was perfect for when we were sticking it out over long distances, because every time I'd hear it I could picture her on the streets of Paris wearing a big smile and loving her life that we were such a big part of. It always sounded to me to be a song about people who weren't physically together, but still in love to their very cores. Because of this they'd do whatever they could to be together at that moment, but even if they couldn't, they know that they belong together and would be so if they had their ways. But the main thing about it is that its ok, and everything will be alright because those streets you're walking on are where I belong and one day I'll be there. Thats probably not what Chris Martin had in mind when he wrote it, but it spoke to us both all the same.
"You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea."
But now when I hear that song I picture that same thing I used to, and how wonderful it used to make me feel, and now I just want to cry because that part of my life is just gone. It really is just fucking done. She left and I feel lately like she took a little bit of me with her, as cliche as that may sound. But I saw that and I just walked away, because to stand there and know that was just too much. Too painful. But now this is worse, so I ask: "What the fuck do I do now?" Other girls certainly don't fix it (I've tried, but I can't give the attention they really deserve), no amount of alcohol stops it from coming back the next morning. What I really need is a hug and an ear from someone who really gets that I'm hurting. I'm sure there's lots of people like that around me. I just need to talk about it. But there's nothing really to say. I'm just not out of the woods yet...after time number 2 that i thought I was.
And now I need out of this town, this city, this fucking state. For a lot of reasons, but one of which is that to this day everywhere I go something always brings her to mind. Its maddening, and I wish I could find a way over it. I know I will, but I don't know when or how.
Or anything, really.
Something has been eating me for the past few days, and then today I realized that I'm having a Liz relapse. Lately I'm really, really bad at just accepting and dealing with things like this. I've always got some "Oh this doesn't happen to me because I'm emotionally invincible" or some other equally stupid shit like that to convince me that I'm "really just fine."
I mean, six months later am I supposed to dream about her and then wake up only to realize all that shit is over? Its like I'm there again, the streets of Paris on an windy, cold, but beautifully bright day in late winter. Its always so vivid. Even more vivid than are the feelings. Relief, happiness, complete and wonderful disbelief that we're together in one of the most beautiful cities on earth. How it felt to go to sleep and wake up next to her again after four months apart.
And then I wake up alone.
Thats a great way to start the day let me tell you. I must sound so much like a pussy, but this has happened to me four times in the past 2 weeks. I feel like I'm about to lose my fucking mind. I mean of course it wasn't great towards the end, and there's a damned good reason for that, but so much of it was so wonderful. I'm so tired of thinking about it....I just want to be over it. But I'm still in love. But with who, with what?!
And there's really not much more to it than that. Circumstances change, people change, life changes them. But as decisively as I walked out of the relationship, I'm still nursing a thorougly broken heart, and its troubling. I did what was best for me, even if it hurt. And it really, really did. And it still does. And I hope it won't for much longer. But it might.
There's two or three songs I can name right now that would without a doubt bring me to tears (a sobbing mess, mind you) in just a few notes. There's this one particular song on Coldplay's X&Y (Swallowed In The Sea, I think its called) that I used to love. It was perfect for when we were sticking it out over long distances, because every time I'd hear it I could picture her on the streets of Paris wearing a big smile and loving her life that we were such a big part of. It always sounded to me to be a song about people who weren't physically together, but still in love to their very cores. Because of this they'd do whatever they could to be together at that moment, but even if they couldn't, they know that they belong together and would be so if they had their ways. But the main thing about it is that its ok, and everything will be alright because those streets you're walking on are where I belong and one day I'll be there. Thats probably not what Chris Martin had in mind when he wrote it, but it spoke to us both all the same.
"You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea."
But now when I hear that song I picture that same thing I used to, and how wonderful it used to make me feel, and now I just want to cry because that part of my life is just gone. It really is just fucking done. She left and I feel lately like she took a little bit of me with her, as cliche as that may sound. But I saw that and I just walked away, because to stand there and know that was just too much. Too painful. But now this is worse, so I ask: "What the fuck do I do now?" Other girls certainly don't fix it (I've tried, but I can't give the attention they really deserve), no amount of alcohol stops it from coming back the next morning. What I really need is a hug and an ear from someone who really gets that I'm hurting. I'm sure there's lots of people like that around me. I just need to talk about it. But there's nothing really to say. I'm just not out of the woods yet...after time number 2 that i thought I was.
And now I need out of this town, this city, this fucking state. For a lot of reasons, but one of which is that to this day everywhere I go something always brings her to mind. Its maddening, and I wish I could find a way over it. I know I will, but I don't know when or how.
Or anything, really.