[drabble] Paisley Printed Polyester Pants (Thou Art So Fine)
Fandom: Exo
Pairing: Mentions of Kris/Lay & Baekhyun/Chanyeol.
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~800
Warnings: Mentions of drugs, failed attempt at humor, etc.
Summary: Seeking comfort in someone who wears those disgusting pants is a terrible idea. But Zitao got himself into this mess with a bad idea, so he should get out of this mess with a bad idea. Really, he's all out of options.
A/N: What the fuck did I just write. It's because I've been bitching about this stupid artstudent!au for almost a year. I've taken it upon myself to write it. Blame ofolivesnginger for letting me go this far. You technically popped my writing cherry.
This is first installment of a drabble series (I'm praying that it will stay as a drabble series oh dear god) Thou Art So Fine
disclaimer/ i actually really like paisley. i also own a pair of dog-printed pants so who am i to judge
(i) Paisley Printed Polyester Pants
Once upon a time, Zitao found his face in Kris’s crotch.
In his defense, he was piss drunk, and it’s not like he would consciously allow his face to make contact with the monstrosity that Kris had the audacity to call pants anyways. It was not only a paisley pattern, but it was also fucking polyester. In the back of his mind, Zitao hoped his face wouldn’t develop a rash from this incident the next day. He scheduled three entire hours this Thursday for a selca session. While some people may call it a pathetic waste of time- some people meaning Luhan- Zitao tells himself that it’s a wonderfully therapeutic experience that helps him appreciate his body more. It’s healthy.
What’s not healthy, however, was finding yourself in love with one of your best friends. Or at least, he was according to Luhan.
“Think about it,” Luhan had insisted, “you’re studying fashion, you have like, eighty pairs of shoes, and you can’t even fucking enter your own living room without putting on your glitter eyeliner first.”
Zitao, naturally, had protested at first. “But that’s not really gay, right? I’m just invested in my outer appearance. It doesn’t mean I’m attracted to men.”
“Alright fine, I’ll give you that, but no straight guy follows his favorite male models on twitter. Or posts their favorite male model’s abs on Instagram. No straight guys have favorite male models, period.”
“But no one can deny that RJ King is bodilicious.” Zitao argued. Luhan just looked at him.
“Oh my god,” he breathed, “I am gay. Or at least, attracted to boys too.”
“Take it from a fellow weenie washer, you’re gay. And,” he added with a look, “in love with Baekhyun.”
“What the fuck.”
“Seriously Zitao, you’ve seen him naked. Were you repulsed?”
“No….”
“And if you had to date a guy, who would it be?”
“Uh I don’t know, maybe RJ K-“
“WHO?!”
“Baekhyun?”
“Exactly!” Luhan looked positively triumphant. Zitao thinks that smugness makes him look like an eggplant was shoved up his ass. Which, to be fair, is what he looks like ninety percent of the time.
“What the fuck.”
Although in retrospect, it may not have been such a good idea to have had that conversation with a half empty bottle of Grey Goose in front of them.
And that’s how Zitao found himself washing the grass stains out of Kris’s disgusting pants with his tears. Not like they deserved it anyways. Paisley. Printed. Polyester.
Kris, however, bless his soul, took it all in great stride. When Zitao had called him to prepare two tubs of Ben and Jerry- low fat, because his beloved Versace leather pants were already feeling pretty snug- Kris felt that there was no better time to put his last few grams of shrooms to good use.
“I can’t believe I’m gayyyyy.” Zitao wailed. “You know what this girl in my life drawing class once told me? She said str- straight men in the fashion industry were hard to come across. She said- she said I was like a unicorn.”
Kris simply waited for Zitao to continue and stroked the latter’s hair. It was really shiny. At least he only ate two grams of the stuff, this wasn’t such a bad trip. His fingers are polka-dotted. Luhan has a pair of polka-dotted pants. They’re pretty nice pants, actually. Although Kris doesn’t know how he feels about pants, both literally and figuratively. Zitao interrupted his thoughts.
“Does this mean I’m not a unicorn anymore?”
“You were never a unicorn. Yixing is a unicorn.”
Zitao’s subsequent bawling was only broken off with a disturbing thought. “Oh god, don’t tell me that’s what you call him in bed.”
“My bed is really soft.”
“Oh my god you do call him unicorn when you’re having sex don’t you oh my god now I can’t stop thinking about what- hic- everyone else says when they’re fucking. I bet- I bet, Baek calls Chanyeol Ganandorf or something oh my god. What would Chanyeol call him? What would I call him if we got it on? Oh my god. Imagine me having sex with Baekhyun. That’s so gross. Oh my god that’s disgusting.” Zitao paused to illustrate his point by throwing up. On Kris’s paisley printed pants. Good riddance.
“Does that mean you’re not gay for Baekhyun?” Kris still had the ability to comprehend Zitao’s rant for the most part, and even though the smell was less than unpleasant, the vomit was swirling around in all of these colors and dude, this is so cool. The last thing Kris heard Zitao say before he fell asleep was how godawful it would be to give a blowjob to some bodilicious king.
He was interrupted the next day when Zitao sent a picture of himself.
-sent Sunday, 4:48pm-
Zitao: Welcoming my new Givenchy. I call it the I’m Not Gay sweater.
a/n someone take my laptop away from me.
Pairing: Mentions of Kris/Lay & Baekhyun/Chanyeol.
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~800
Warnings: Mentions of drugs, failed attempt at humor, etc.
Summary: Seeking comfort in someone who wears those disgusting pants is a terrible idea. But Zitao got himself into this mess with a bad idea, so he should get out of this mess with a bad idea. Really, he's all out of options.
A/N: What the fuck did I just write. It's because I've been bitching about this stupid artstudent!au for almost a year. I've taken it upon myself to write it. Blame ofolivesnginger for letting me go this far. You technically popped my writing cherry.
This is first installment of a drabble series (I'm praying that it will stay as a drabble series oh dear god) Thou Art So Fine
disclaimer/ i actually really like paisley. i also own a pair of dog-printed pants so who am i to judge
(i) Paisley Printed Polyester Pants
Once upon a time, Zitao found his face in Kris’s crotch.
In his defense, he was piss drunk, and it’s not like he would consciously allow his face to make contact with the monstrosity that Kris had the audacity to call pants anyways. It was not only a paisley pattern, but it was also fucking polyester. In the back of his mind, Zitao hoped his face wouldn’t develop a rash from this incident the next day. He scheduled three entire hours this Thursday for a selca session. While some people may call it a pathetic waste of time- some people meaning Luhan- Zitao tells himself that it’s a wonderfully therapeutic experience that helps him appreciate his body more. It’s healthy.
What’s not healthy, however, was finding yourself in love with one of your best friends. Or at least, he was according to Luhan.
“Think about it,” Luhan had insisted, “you’re studying fashion, you have like, eighty pairs of shoes, and you can’t even fucking enter your own living room without putting on your glitter eyeliner first.”
Zitao, naturally, had protested at first. “But that’s not really gay, right? I’m just invested in my outer appearance. It doesn’t mean I’m attracted to men.”
“Alright fine, I’ll give you that, but no straight guy follows his favorite male models on twitter. Or posts their favorite male model’s abs on Instagram. No straight guys have favorite male models, period.”
“But no one can deny that RJ King is bodilicious.” Zitao argued. Luhan just looked at him.
“Oh my god,” he breathed, “I am gay. Or at least, attracted to boys too.”
“Take it from a fellow weenie washer, you’re gay. And,” he added with a look, “in love with Baekhyun.”
“What the fuck.”
“Seriously Zitao, you’ve seen him naked. Were you repulsed?”
“No….”
“And if you had to date a guy, who would it be?”
“Uh I don’t know, maybe RJ K-“
“WHO?!”
“Baekhyun?”
“Exactly!” Luhan looked positively triumphant. Zitao thinks that smugness makes him look like an eggplant was shoved up his ass. Which, to be fair, is what he looks like ninety percent of the time.
“What the fuck.”
Although in retrospect, it may not have been such a good idea to have had that conversation with a half empty bottle of Grey Goose in front of them.
And that’s how Zitao found himself washing the grass stains out of Kris’s disgusting pants with his tears. Not like they deserved it anyways. Paisley. Printed. Polyester.
Kris, however, bless his soul, took it all in great stride. When Zitao had called him to prepare two tubs of Ben and Jerry- low fat, because his beloved Versace leather pants were already feeling pretty snug- Kris felt that there was no better time to put his last few grams of shrooms to good use.
“I can’t believe I’m gayyyyy.” Zitao wailed. “You know what this girl in my life drawing class once told me? She said str- straight men in the fashion industry were hard to come across. She said- she said I was like a unicorn.”
Kris simply waited for Zitao to continue and stroked the latter’s hair. It was really shiny. At least he only ate two grams of the stuff, this wasn’t such a bad trip. His fingers are polka-dotted. Luhan has a pair of polka-dotted pants. They’re pretty nice pants, actually. Although Kris doesn’t know how he feels about pants, both literally and figuratively. Zitao interrupted his thoughts.
“Does this mean I’m not a unicorn anymore?”
“You were never a unicorn. Yixing is a unicorn.”
Zitao’s subsequent bawling was only broken off with a disturbing thought. “Oh god, don’t tell me that’s what you call him in bed.”
“My bed is really soft.”
“Oh my god you do call him unicorn when you’re having sex don’t you oh my god now I can’t stop thinking about what- hic- everyone else says when they’re fucking. I bet- I bet, Baek calls Chanyeol Ganandorf or something oh my god. What would Chanyeol call him? What would I call him if we got it on? Oh my god. Imagine me having sex with Baekhyun. That’s so gross. Oh my god that’s disgusting.” Zitao paused to illustrate his point by throwing up. On Kris’s paisley printed pants. Good riddance.
“Does that mean you’re not gay for Baekhyun?” Kris still had the ability to comprehend Zitao’s rant for the most part, and even though the smell was less than unpleasant, the vomit was swirling around in all of these colors and dude, this is so cool. The last thing Kris heard Zitao say before he fell asleep was how godawful it would be to give a blowjob to some bodilicious king.
He was interrupted the next day when Zitao sent a picture of himself.
-sent Sunday, 4:48pm-
Zitao: Welcoming my new Givenchy. I call it the I’m Not Gay sweater.
a/n someone take my laptop away from me.