ajsdlkkfjsalkfal bummer....
so on this, america's freedom day, i sit on my couch thinking, shit.
yes, shit.
why? because this is a shit week.
2 saturdays ago, a friend and ex-co-worker, killed himself. dumbass. so that sucked; i went to dallas last weekend to go to a memorial and to see other people that i had in common w/Ed. that was better than having no one to talk about it to other than Dylan, who was pretty bummed himself.
this week, i end up in a fight w/someone over my opinions on where they want to buy land and live. OPINIONS for christfuckingsake. if you don't want to hear your friends opinions or thoughts on a subject, do not fucking ask them, especially if they are an innately opinionated person to begin with. so for whatever reason truly behind it all, i may lose a good friend and one of my best friends over something lame--also to blame here is my overall negative attitude. fuck you.
is that positive enough for you?
i am working really hard on myself right now, and this is a whole body thing. mind, body, and a little spirit. (which in my eyes includes attitude)
i don't need to worry that every little thing out of my mouth is going to offend someone close to me and walk on egg shells. and quite personally, i do not want people to feel they need to be that way around me. i have been given that feedback in the past, and that is a small part of the big picture i am aiming to change. if you keep pecking and pecking at me, i might just fucking shank your stupid ass, so shut the fuck up and stop causing or TRYING to cause me problems. i have enough, thanks.
so that sux and then amidst all the lameness, i realize the underlying issue right this second this very week is the fact that its the 5 year shitty anniversary of my dad dying all week long and then finally losing his short, shitty battle on the 6th. i just shut down on this week. last year was worse, as i had just moved back here to austin, but was w/out a home and w/out a husband and w/out a general support structure. i stayed at dave and ape's house and i took some valium, took a shower and went to bed all before 9pm that night. sad.
THEN it's been raining everyday for 6 years and i would think i have moved to fucking seattle. geez. so that has kept me bummed from the lack of vitamin D and not being able to swim or ride my bike. the only exercise i have had the last 2 weeks has involved walking the dogs-but that is a good thing. (both here and at moms house.)
the upside of this week IS that its Wendy's birthday on the 5th (dad held out one day to not die on her day) so she is coming to visit me. i leave work early tomorrow to go to the doc in san antonio for my 1 month check up and review and then i am off work until monday. YAY!
On the medical fat girl front: when i went to start the program on June 2nd, i was 267 and now am at 256 today. that is pretty fucking exciting. i have had random people come up to me about it, so i know its obvious. the diet is a little grueling as it's easier to be lazy and not weight all your shit out and not make your food or plan for a week, but you kind of have to. i was getting stressed out about it all, the #'s and the fact that i am on a 1600 calorie diet but am not to be counting calories. just using a meal grid w/a list of shit to choose from. it's based on the ADA diet (diabetic association) so its low sugar and fat, blah blah blah. high protein and lots of veggies, essentially. i am having to eat shit (veggie-wise) i would have never eaten before, but if i don't i'd starve or end up cheating eating crap. i am happy eating yogurt when i want to "cheat" and eat more than prescribed. my heart rate for burning fat is lower than i would have expected so i think things will be easier--i have to really slow down when i swim to swim that slow, but can do my cardio for the week swimming my normal pace or biking--i actually use WAY too much energy to bike on these hills, but hoping once i get a hybrid bike that i will be able to utilize the bikes energy and not just my own. (this is not an electric bike for you non-bikers)
so that is how things are going.
ON the uber flipside of things, we are test running a new doggie. Her name is Nancy. Yes, really. The person who originally owned her was really into Nancy Spungen (sid/nancy) and named her dog after her. LAME, but she is 7, we aint gonna change her name. The Nancy-lover left her dog w/a friend while she traveled out of the country, then something happened and the chick never came back. it's been over a year now. My friend who has had Nancy is pregnant and already has a dog and will be a single mom, so i think she does not want to deal w/another dog--so she called me knowing i was interested if she was going to consider adopting her out. So she is out of town until the 7th and we are testing the water out w/Jazz--as she likes to attack other dogs.
i think that is really about all. OOOH, i finally got a promotion and a decent raise!! that is fuckingA exciting. things are improving---even this week will, surely.
peace-out
bitches.
yes, shit.
why? because this is a shit week.
2 saturdays ago, a friend and ex-co-worker, killed himself. dumbass. so that sucked; i went to dallas last weekend to go to a memorial and to see other people that i had in common w/Ed. that was better than having no one to talk about it to other than Dylan, who was pretty bummed himself.
this week, i end up in a fight w/someone over my opinions on where they want to buy land and live. OPINIONS for christfuckingsake. if you don't want to hear your friends opinions or thoughts on a subject, do not fucking ask them, especially if they are an innately opinionated person to begin with. so for whatever reason truly behind it all, i may lose a good friend and one of my best friends over something lame--also to blame here is my overall negative attitude. fuck you.
is that positive enough for you?
i am working really hard on myself right now, and this is a whole body thing. mind, body, and a little spirit. (which in my eyes includes attitude)
i don't need to worry that every little thing out of my mouth is going to offend someone close to me and walk on egg shells. and quite personally, i do not want people to feel they need to be that way around me. i have been given that feedback in the past, and that is a small part of the big picture i am aiming to change. if you keep pecking and pecking at me, i might just fucking shank your stupid ass, so shut the fuck up and stop causing or TRYING to cause me problems. i have enough, thanks.
so that sux and then amidst all the lameness, i realize the underlying issue right this second this very week is the fact that its the 5 year shitty anniversary of my dad dying all week long and then finally losing his short, shitty battle on the 6th. i just shut down on this week. last year was worse, as i had just moved back here to austin, but was w/out a home and w/out a husband and w/out a general support structure. i stayed at dave and ape's house and i took some valium, took a shower and went to bed all before 9pm that night. sad.
THEN it's been raining everyday for 6 years and i would think i have moved to fucking seattle. geez. so that has kept me bummed from the lack of vitamin D and not being able to swim or ride my bike. the only exercise i have had the last 2 weeks has involved walking the dogs-but that is a good thing. (both here and at moms house.)
the upside of this week IS that its Wendy's birthday on the 5th (dad held out one day to not die on her day) so she is coming to visit me. i leave work early tomorrow to go to the doc in san antonio for my 1 month check up and review and then i am off work until monday. YAY!
On the medical fat girl front: when i went to start the program on June 2nd, i was 267 and now am at 256 today. that is pretty fucking exciting. i have had random people come up to me about it, so i know its obvious. the diet is a little grueling as it's easier to be lazy and not weight all your shit out and not make your food or plan for a week, but you kind of have to. i was getting stressed out about it all, the #'s and the fact that i am on a 1600 calorie diet but am not to be counting calories. just using a meal grid w/a list of shit to choose from. it's based on the ADA diet (diabetic association) so its low sugar and fat, blah blah blah. high protein and lots of veggies, essentially. i am having to eat shit (veggie-wise) i would have never eaten before, but if i don't i'd starve or end up cheating eating crap. i am happy eating yogurt when i want to "cheat" and eat more than prescribed. my heart rate for burning fat is lower than i would have expected so i think things will be easier--i have to really slow down when i swim to swim that slow, but can do my cardio for the week swimming my normal pace or biking--i actually use WAY too much energy to bike on these hills, but hoping once i get a hybrid bike that i will be able to utilize the bikes energy and not just my own. (this is not an electric bike for you non-bikers)
so that is how things are going.
ON the uber flipside of things, we are test running a new doggie. Her name is Nancy. Yes, really. The person who originally owned her was really into Nancy Spungen (sid/nancy) and named her dog after her. LAME, but she is 7, we aint gonna change her name. The Nancy-lover left her dog w/a friend while she traveled out of the country, then something happened and the chick never came back. it's been over a year now. My friend who has had Nancy is pregnant and already has a dog and will be a single mom, so i think she does not want to deal w/another dog--so she called me knowing i was interested if she was going to consider adopting her out. So she is out of town until the 7th and we are testing the water out w/Jazz--as she likes to attack other dogs.
i think that is really about all. OOOH, i finally got a promotion and a decent raise!! that is fuckingA exciting. things are improving---even this week will, surely.
peace-out
bitches.