Married, part trois
what else can i say about getting into my dress? i was feeling generally rushed at this point, and i wish i had had lindsay there to remind me yet again that the wedding waits for the bride, because maybe i would have enjoyed it more. i was feeling very sort of robotic at this point - "accomplish task A, move on to task B" instead of the excited and nervous that i probably could have been if i were surrounded by different people. i'll try to remember that for my next wedding.
when we get down to the hotel lobby and stop for a couple of photos, it finally hits me there that I'M THE BRIDE. people are stopping and staring like i've always done, and i know what's going through their heads is "how cool!" and "wow! a bride! neato!" because it really is not something you see every day. i've always looked at brides and wondered how they were feeling at that moment about the fact that they're about to get married, and now i know that they're probably feeling excited and blurry and a little oxygen-deprived due to the corset. it's not at all a bad feeling.
so on to the city museum, where my brother was directing events in a way that was so very him that i just loved him so much at that moment. i should have made HIM my wedding coordinator. i'm surrounded by family and friends and feeling so sheltered and cozy, but then it's TIME and the coordinator shoos everyone away and looks at me and says, like a drill sergeant, "are you ready to get married?" and all the thoughts leave my head and the only thing left is "Yes!" I am so ready. I think i might have said "let's do this thing."
my dad and i walk down the mirrored hallway, and i'm finally excited. i can't wait to see andy. as we're waiting for maria to flower-girl herself down the aisle (which i'm later told she does in a very robotic, yet endearing manner) and the music to start, daddy asks for a kiss and then we go. i probably walked a little fast, and certainly not as gracefully as 'moonlight sonata' would dictate, but it was weird - everyone stood up and all eyes were on me. i locked eyes with andy for a while, but it was too intense, and i had to look away. i couldn't look at anyone. i made eye contact randomly with erin lockward and she gave me the thumbs-up and i winked at her, and then andy was there. i know it's all antiquated and anti-feminist, but i am SO glad that i went straight from my dad to andy's arm, because i really needed guidance at this point. one comforting presence to the next.
and there we were, facing each other, holding hands. i felt the need to mouth little things to him that i'm sure he didn't understand, but i was so nervous that i couldn't just stand there and stare at him. my face was doing weird things like it does just before i start to cry, and i was NOT going to let that happen. i was finally calm enough to look around a bit - i saw that danielle, my brother's fiancee, was crying (major sister-in-law points) and tim, andy's dad, was not (he had been duly warned by his wife, becky). Then my dad got up to do a reading, and totally choked up. I'm not sure i've ever seen my dad cry. The short, 4 line poem my mom read as a funny counterpoint to my dad's serious reading got a laugh from everybody, and then it was down to the serious business. We rocked our vows. i was finally able to look andy in the eye as he read his to me, and it was good. it was recitation for sure - i still have no idea what exactly was said - but i remember feeling very 'in the moment' and actually meaning every word, every syllable that was spoken. i'm glad about that. that it wasn't all a blur. i never thought that the ceremony itself was going to be a big deal to me - i mean, c'mon, we've lived together for 6 years. it was just a formality, right? turns out that's not the case. i mean, i certainly didn't fixate on the ceremony while i was making wedding plans, but it seems that when it came right down to it, it actually was very meaningful. go figure.
and then the rings. when andy took them out and gave them to arlene and i saw them in her hand, there was a feeling of "ooh, yay!" that i can't really explain. in the moment, i was really excited about exchanging rings. i remember that andy put mine on a bit too early and that when i put his on, there was a definite saucy note of victory and accomplishment in my voice, like "with this ring, I...(dramatic pause while i slip the ring on)...thee wed." i was cute. people laughed.
then the kiss. it was a good kiss, but i was still too nervous, being up in front of all those people, to make it a GOOD kiss. it was definitely not chaste, but not tacky, either. and then we processed to "new day rising," which, known only to myself and andy (and now you), is the record that andy put on after the first time we had sex. it was appropriate then and now, and i like that it's our secret.
next up...the reception!
when we get down to the hotel lobby and stop for a couple of photos, it finally hits me there that I'M THE BRIDE. people are stopping and staring like i've always done, and i know what's going through their heads is "how cool!" and "wow! a bride! neato!" because it really is not something you see every day. i've always looked at brides and wondered how they were feeling at that moment about the fact that they're about to get married, and now i know that they're probably feeling excited and blurry and a little oxygen-deprived due to the corset. it's not at all a bad feeling.
so on to the city museum, where my brother was directing events in a way that was so very him that i just loved him so much at that moment. i should have made HIM my wedding coordinator. i'm surrounded by family and friends and feeling so sheltered and cozy, but then it's TIME and the coordinator shoos everyone away and looks at me and says, like a drill sergeant, "are you ready to get married?" and all the thoughts leave my head and the only thing left is "Yes!" I am so ready. I think i might have said "let's do this thing."
my dad and i walk down the mirrored hallway, and i'm finally excited. i can't wait to see andy. as we're waiting for maria to flower-girl herself down the aisle (which i'm later told she does in a very robotic, yet endearing manner) and the music to start, daddy asks for a kiss and then we go. i probably walked a little fast, and certainly not as gracefully as 'moonlight sonata' would dictate, but it was weird - everyone stood up and all eyes were on me. i locked eyes with andy for a while, but it was too intense, and i had to look away. i couldn't look at anyone. i made eye contact randomly with erin lockward and she gave me the thumbs-up and i winked at her, and then andy was there. i know it's all antiquated and anti-feminist, but i am SO glad that i went straight from my dad to andy's arm, because i really needed guidance at this point. one comforting presence to the next.
and there we were, facing each other, holding hands. i felt the need to mouth little things to him that i'm sure he didn't understand, but i was so nervous that i couldn't just stand there and stare at him. my face was doing weird things like it does just before i start to cry, and i was NOT going to let that happen. i was finally calm enough to look around a bit - i saw that danielle, my brother's fiancee, was crying (major sister-in-law points) and tim, andy's dad, was not (he had been duly warned by his wife, becky). Then my dad got up to do a reading, and totally choked up. I'm not sure i've ever seen my dad cry. The short, 4 line poem my mom read as a funny counterpoint to my dad's serious reading got a laugh from everybody, and then it was down to the serious business. We rocked our vows. i was finally able to look andy in the eye as he read his to me, and it was good. it was recitation for sure - i still have no idea what exactly was said - but i remember feeling very 'in the moment' and actually meaning every word, every syllable that was spoken. i'm glad about that. that it wasn't all a blur. i never thought that the ceremony itself was going to be a big deal to me - i mean, c'mon, we've lived together for 6 years. it was just a formality, right? turns out that's not the case. i mean, i certainly didn't fixate on the ceremony while i was making wedding plans, but it seems that when it came right down to it, it actually was very meaningful. go figure.
and then the rings. when andy took them out and gave them to arlene and i saw them in her hand, there was a feeling of "ooh, yay!" that i can't really explain. in the moment, i was really excited about exchanging rings. i remember that andy put mine on a bit too early and that when i put his on, there was a definite saucy note of victory and accomplishment in my voice, like "with this ring, I...(dramatic pause while i slip the ring on)...thee wed." i was cute. people laughed.
then the kiss. it was a good kiss, but i was still too nervous, being up in front of all those people, to make it a GOOD kiss. it was definitely not chaste, but not tacky, either. and then we processed to "new day rising," which, known only to myself and andy (and now you), is the record that andy put on after the first time we had sex. it was appropriate then and now, and i like that it's our secret.
next up...the reception!