Toolicious!!! Yummay!
I feel so dead, from the inside out. My life is flying by right in front of me and I can't figure out a fucking way to stop it. The other day my friend and I were having a conversation about what we would be thinking about if one of us were to go skydiving and have our chute not come out. So you're basically flying through the air with a minute or so left to live. What would you think about? I would think about all of the things that I've dreamed of doing my whole life. Just everything, from making music to traveling the world, there are so many experiences I would love to enjoy. I lack the motivation and the ability of knowing how to accomplish my goals. It's like I'm still in school and I need a teacher to guide me in the right direction. Once I'm given that guidance and a little push I'd be able to do the rest. I've never been good at starting anything. I'm depressed because I'm stuck here in this tiny ass apartment, alone, everyday, doing absolutely nothing besides working, sitting on the computer, watching tv, or drinking. I'm fucking tired of it. I hate this. It's so fucking mindnumbing. Being along like this is punishment. And the sad part is, I feel like it's all my fault. I push people away without even realizing what I'm doing until it's too late. If no one gets close to me then I don't have a chance to hurt them and they don't have a chance to hurt me. Simple as that. But at the same time....ARGGGGG! I've been noticing SO MANY FUCKING THINGS about myself lately that I HATE! Things like: I'm too uptight, I worry too much, I bitch and moan a lot, I have high standards for others but low standards for myself, I'm too hard on myself (did I just contradict myself?), I am never fucking satisfied...I think my only chance for improvement is getting out of this apartment and living with my parents. I hate living paycheck to paycheck, I hate never being able to save money, I hate drinking every night, I hate having to fucking wear long pants everyday to cover up my scars, I hate my fucking job, I hate my dirty ass apartment, I hate myself, I love myself, I hate you, I hate the world, I LOVE THIS WORLD!
Obviously, I have a lot of issues at hand. I'm constantly trying to improve or change all of the things I don't like about myself. Like how fucking egotistical and selfish I am or how I'm so fucking self absorbed. Am I getting repetitive?
On a different, lighter note, I was able to acquire the new TooL album last night! I got a ride down to Encore video and CD from 3 stoner friends of mine. I had drank about 4 beers or so at this point (sometime around 10:15). So they picked me up and we drive out to the event. As soon as we get there they were already complaining about how they wanted to leave. I was like fuck that, I'm not leaving, I'll sit here all night all alone if I have to. Haha. I mean I wanted to use that situation as a way to talk to other TooL fans in Austin. Met a few people but sat by myself for the most part (my friends had left). I was a bit disappointed that I didn't talk to more people. I guess I'm still working on getting the guts to strike up conversation with random people. Anyways, I stood in line for about 45 minutes and got my hands on one of the best albums ever made. So after my friends picked me up we headed home. This was one of the best experiences of my life. I got stoned for the first time in months. I didn't get stoned to get "stoned." No sir. I got stoned to be able to listen to this piece of art created by 4 artistic geniuses with a more opened mind and magnified senses, and aiiii carumba it was fanFUCKINGtastic! Not to mention, the car I was riding in had an awesomeass sound system. But then my out of this world experience was interrupted by the other people who were in the car with me. They were bashing the music, saying it was boring, and changing the songs right as they were starting to get heavy. It was quite frustrating. Have no fear though, I was able to smoke once more, kick everyone out of my apt, get in bed with my headphones, turn off all of my lights, and listen to TooL's new music the way it was supposed to be heard. At times I would enter a trancelike state. My eyes would be open, but all I saw were crazy patterns going in every direction. No, I don't think I was halucinating because I was stoned. I was in another world altogether.
Anywho, you all probably think I'm crazy now. But alas, at least I enjoyed every part of my experience last night (even the not so great parts). And if you think I'm losing it now...just wait till May 8, when I get to see TooL live! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Obviously, I have a lot of issues at hand. I'm constantly trying to improve or change all of the things I don't like about myself. Like how fucking egotistical and selfish I am or how I'm so fucking self absorbed. Am I getting repetitive?
On a different, lighter note, I was able to acquire the new TooL album last night! I got a ride down to Encore video and CD from 3 stoner friends of mine. I had drank about 4 beers or so at this point (sometime around 10:15). So they picked me up and we drive out to the event. As soon as we get there they were already complaining about how they wanted to leave. I was like fuck that, I'm not leaving, I'll sit here all night all alone if I have to. Haha. I mean I wanted to use that situation as a way to talk to other TooL fans in Austin. Met a few people but sat by myself for the most part (my friends had left). I was a bit disappointed that I didn't talk to more people. I guess I'm still working on getting the guts to strike up conversation with random people. Anyways, I stood in line for about 45 minutes and got my hands on one of the best albums ever made. So after my friends picked me up we headed home. This was one of the best experiences of my life. I got stoned for the first time in months. I didn't get stoned to get "stoned." No sir. I got stoned to be able to listen to this piece of art created by 4 artistic geniuses with a more opened mind and magnified senses, and aiiii carumba it was fanFUCKINGtastic! Not to mention, the car I was riding in had an awesomeass sound system. But then my out of this world experience was interrupted by the other people who were in the car with me. They were bashing the music, saying it was boring, and changing the songs right as they were starting to get heavy. It was quite frustrating. Have no fear though, I was able to smoke once more, kick everyone out of my apt, get in bed with my headphones, turn off all of my lights, and listen to TooL's new music the way it was supposed to be heard. At times I would enter a trancelike state. My eyes would be open, but all I saw were crazy patterns going in every direction. No, I don't think I was halucinating because I was stoned. I was in another world altogether.
Anywho, you all probably think I'm crazy now. But alas, at least I enjoyed every part of my experience last night (even the not so great parts). And if you think I'm losing it now...just wait till May 8, when I get to see TooL live! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!