Wrestling. then...?
Wrestling is the toughest thing I have ever done.
I'm in college now, and I'm not wrestling. There's a wrestling club, if you could call it that. Me and four or five other former wrestlers, meeting maybe once a week. Wrestle for a little (nobody's in good enough shape to wrestle for more than 'a little'). The mat (one mat) must be from the seventies, and it's got thirty years of crud embedded in it to prove it. The club was supposed to really take off this semester; we'd start competing with other clubs, buy uniforms. That's what the kid who started the wrestling club told us.
He hasn't shown up to a practice yet this semester.
In wrestling, the goals were obvious.
Work hard. Win.
I've never worked so hard as I did in practice my senior year. I've never been in such good shape. The day before All-States, I ran four miles in twenty five minutes for a warmup. I pushed myself to my physical potential in wrestling. It's discomforting to think of the shape I was in then compared to the shape I'm in now. I lift now (and sometimes run), but I'm not in any real shape. Even if I did get in great shape, what would be the point? I'm not competing for anything. All the same, it's depressing to find yourself a shadow of what you know you were. Settling for mediocrity.
"Even if I did get in great shape, what would be the point?"
I don't have any goals. I have no real direction.
There aren't many things that I care about as much as I came to care about wrestling. I miss having that physical commitment, that kind of dedication, to something.
In wrestling you want to win. In college... What do I want out of college? It's tough to really work hard and dedicate yourself to something when you have no clear goals or ambitions. I need some target to shoot for, something I can aspire to accomplish. Before I can figure out my goals, though, I need to find something that I really enjoy.
I'm just gonna end this here. I've been meaning to write a post about wrestling for a while now, but every time I sit down to write it I can't figure out what to say. And this, whatever crap I just wrote, isn't what I sat down to write.
This is not what was intended.
* * *
I didn't intend to write a page worth of whiny emotional bullshit. I hate anyone whose typical entry is as follows:
"I'm sad. This is an online journal, but I'm still gonna express my deepest, innermost emotions. I'm still gonna write about deeply personal matters, even though I know that total strangers read this, the people who check my away messages but will never IM me.
I have so many dramatic problems, oh, I'm so sad and confused. My problems are just like the problems of every other human being on the goddamned planet, but for some reason, I feel like mine are more important or significant. I feel that people will give a shit about my melodrama, so long as it's publicly posted.
I will write of my sadness to give others a window into my depressing life, though no one could possibly understand the depths of my despair.
I'm so angsty.
I'm gonna post some Ataris lyrics, because that group of mid-twenties guys really speaks to my unique teenage angst:
'Wah wah, I'm a big pussy crybaby,
I'm emo,
I am unable to deal with the everyday problems of living,
I blow everything out of proportion,
oh yeah, yeah.'
Oops, I guess those weren't actual lyrics, but they might as well be."
Of course, that's only one example of a typical livejournal update. Here's another:
"Haha, OMFG! 2day I woke up and went 2 skool, and my teacher wuz like, d00d you spell all wrong, what you think you're l337 or something?' I wuz like, 'No, lol!' ok so then like me and this kid went and did some stuff and it wuz mad cool. yeah dawg, we's 2 cool 4 skool, u know it! Good timez, d00d, good timez, u know how we do! lol! 4-eva! uM lemme see think I think thei're was some other trivial bullshit I did that no one gives a fuck about, but if u wanna know [which u don't] then just ask me or hit up tha cell! ttyl!"
If this is your typical entry, slit your wrists.
If you think anyone gives a shit, cut your throat.
If you regularly post stupid bullshit like this, then I hope someday you grow up and have a kid named Jimmy, and Jimmy will always ask you for this one cool bicycle for his birthday, and you finally give it to him and he tries it out while all his friends from his birthday party are watching and then Jimmy gets hit by a Mack truck doing 80 mph, and his shoes fly off and hit you in the face, and when you bend over in shock to pick up one of the shoes you realize that Jimmy's disembodied foot is still in it.
I hope that happens to you.
Well. The evolution of this entry sure was interesting.
Have a nice day.
I'm in college now, and I'm not wrestling. There's a wrestling club, if you could call it that. Me and four or five other former wrestlers, meeting maybe once a week. Wrestle for a little (nobody's in good enough shape to wrestle for more than 'a little'). The mat (one mat) must be from the seventies, and it's got thirty years of crud embedded in it to prove it. The club was supposed to really take off this semester; we'd start competing with other clubs, buy uniforms. That's what the kid who started the wrestling club told us.
He hasn't shown up to a practice yet this semester.
In wrestling, the goals were obvious.
Work hard. Win.
I've never worked so hard as I did in practice my senior year. I've never been in such good shape. The day before All-States, I ran four miles in twenty five minutes for a warmup. I pushed myself to my physical potential in wrestling. It's discomforting to think of the shape I was in then compared to the shape I'm in now. I lift now (and sometimes run), but I'm not in any real shape. Even if I did get in great shape, what would be the point? I'm not competing for anything. All the same, it's depressing to find yourself a shadow of what you know you were. Settling for mediocrity.
"Even if I did get in great shape, what would be the point?"
I don't have any goals. I have no real direction.
There aren't many things that I care about as much as I came to care about wrestling. I miss having that physical commitment, that kind of dedication, to something.
In wrestling you want to win. In college... What do I want out of college? It's tough to really work hard and dedicate yourself to something when you have no clear goals or ambitions. I need some target to shoot for, something I can aspire to accomplish. Before I can figure out my goals, though, I need to find something that I really enjoy.
I'm just gonna end this here. I've been meaning to write a post about wrestling for a while now, but every time I sit down to write it I can't figure out what to say. And this, whatever crap I just wrote, isn't what I sat down to write.
This is not what was intended.
* * *
I didn't intend to write a page worth of whiny emotional bullshit. I hate anyone whose typical entry is as follows:
"I'm sad. This is an online journal, but I'm still gonna express my deepest, innermost emotions. I'm still gonna write about deeply personal matters, even though I know that total strangers read this, the people who check my away messages but will never IM me.
I have so many dramatic problems, oh, I'm so sad and confused. My problems are just like the problems of every other human being on the goddamned planet, but for some reason, I feel like mine are more important or significant. I feel that people will give a shit about my melodrama, so long as it's publicly posted.
I will write of my sadness to give others a window into my depressing life, though no one could possibly understand the depths of my despair.
I'm so angsty.
I'm gonna post some Ataris lyrics, because that group of mid-twenties guys really speaks to my unique teenage angst:
'Wah wah, I'm a big pussy crybaby,
I'm emo,
I am unable to deal with the everyday problems of living,
I blow everything out of proportion,
oh yeah, yeah.'
Oops, I guess those weren't actual lyrics, but they might as well be."
Of course, that's only one example of a typical livejournal update. Here's another:
"Haha, OMFG! 2day I woke up and went 2 skool, and my teacher wuz like, d00d you spell all wrong, what you think you're l337 or something?' I wuz like, 'No, lol!' ok so then like me and this kid went and did some stuff and it wuz mad cool. yeah dawg, we's 2 cool 4 skool, u know it! Good timez, d00d, good timez, u know how we do! lol! 4-eva! uM lemme see think I think thei're was some other trivial bullshit I did that no one gives a fuck about, but if u wanna know [which u don't] then just ask me or hit up tha cell! ttyl!"
If this is your typical entry, slit your wrists.
If you think anyone gives a shit, cut your throat.
If you regularly post stupid bullshit like this, then I hope someday you grow up and have a kid named Jimmy, and Jimmy will always ask you for this one cool bicycle for his birthday, and you finally give it to him and he tries it out while all his friends from his birthday party are watching and then Jimmy gets hit by a Mack truck doing 80 mph, and his shoes fly off and hit you in the face, and when you bend over in shock to pick up one of the shoes you realize that Jimmy's disembodied foot is still in it.
I hope that happens to you.
Well. The evolution of this entry sure was interesting.
Have a nice day.