All around me are familiar faces.
Well, I figured I hadn’t had a decent post about myself in a long time. Most of it has just been quizzes and the ill-fated eulogy for Scooty. I’m sure some of you out there have been dying to know what’s been going on with me since the new year started, aside from the fact that I like to drink.
Not a lot has been going on and for some reason, people have a hard time believing that, but it’s true. All I do anymore is work, school and HYAMP. If I’m not at one of those places, I’m at home. I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything and I’ve been logging more hours than humanly necessary on the Nintendo. My days usually consist of staying up too late (I’m talking until around 4 or 5 am), going to sleep, getting up around 10 am and going to class. Then I’ll come home and sit around with Ty and Cwis Cwis until the early morning and I’ll just repeat. The only breaks I get are the weekend, when I stay up even later, instead of school I go to work and then I’ll sleep less. It’s a fairly good routine and I’m not complaining. It suits me.
I’m a lot happier now. I don’t feel stressed out or angry or frustrated all the time. I’m just at this really good place. I don’t know why that is, but it just is. I don’t wake up and feel as though I’m suffocating or when I’m at home, I don’t feel the need to defend myself. I think a lot of that comes from the fact that I live by myself now. I don’t have to exert the energy to put up a front or put on a happy face. Eventually, that shit wears on you and it just eats you alive. But it’s a double edged sword. One the one hand, you’re all happy and smiles on the outside, but on the inside, you’re dead. Everyone is happy, except you. The other hand is if you really reveal how you feel and how frustrated you are, you (even though you don’t want to) take it out on the people around you and your relationships suffer. Do you sacrifice self or your relationships with others? I say, no matter what you do, you’ll always end up doing both.
But I’m out of that now and it feels great. I wake up every morning, although still tired as piss, I don’t count the hours until I can go back to sleep and hide. Maybe I’m a tad grumpy, but normally I wake up feeling good. Not physically, because I’m still tired as shit, but mentally and emotionally, I feel good and that’s a good thing.
School is going well. I’m working on my last semester. It’s crazy. I think I’m doing okay in all of my classes except Latin. I’m fairly sure I’m failing that, but I’ll get my head out of my ass and fix that. I’m fairly sure I can still pull a C, which is how I’ve done in there all along. I made my last tuition payment yesterday. I ended up hanging out with my parents last night and my mom was like “how does it feel to make your last tuition payment as an undergrad.” Up until then, I hadn’t really thought about it.
I’m a little nervous about the whole graduation/transition into your real life situation that’s going to be happening within a little less than 4 months. Sometimes I think about it and I’m just like “I’m 23 goddamn years old. Some people have families by this point in their lives.” And then other times, I’m just like “and those people are fools.” I don’t know what’s going on. My dad gave me the old “what are you going to do with your life” talk last weekend while I was out at their house. It wasn’t the pressuring, hurry up and get on with it talk. He was genuinely curious. Of course, then again, so am I. Mom didn’t find the humor in my answer when I said that I just planned on marrying rich.
So I guess the bottom line is I’m happy but not content. I think you can be both. I’m not complacent like I was before now. I’m ready to do fun stuff. I don’t want to be living in Huntington at age 28, still working 16 hours a week. Who knows what I’m going to do after graduation, but I don’t care. I’ll figure it out. Things are good right now and I’m happy. I think I’ll just stick to being happy, at least till the end of the semester, and then I’ll work on uprooting myself and figuring out what I want to do in life.
I’m sure I’ll figure it out. If not, I’ll drink myself into a New York Times Bestseller.
On a small side note: I’m sick as shit. I have a terrible cough, so all you kids who make out with me, we’re going to have to cut that out. I don’t want to give this congestion shit to the entire eastern sea board.
On a small, yet bigger than the aforementioned side note: Tonight is the zombie party at Jessica’s house. I’m going as a “scene girl/indie rock” zombie, complete with the shotgun blast haircut, eyeliner and maybe a lip ring. Oh yeah, and lots of fake blood. Call if you want to come.