What about your friends?
Well, I guess it’s about time to wrap it up for this year. 2004 has gone by really fast. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting at my desk, recuperating from the Fry Daddy Incident and watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure on New Years of 2003.
2004 for the most part has sucked. There have been some good moments, but my pessimistic self says that it sucked overall ass. I know I said I wouldn’t use my livejournal to complain about shit or turn it into an emo fest, but for Christ sakes, I just can’t help it.
But in the long run, I’ve decided against griping. It’s bad enough that there are people who think I already need therapy. I don’t want to give them any fuel for the fire. The last thing I need in 2005 is an intervention. All my friends (both of them) and family sitting around saying shit like “you shouldn’t bottle up all this negative emotion.” “This isn’t healthy.” “Cocaine isn’t the answer, Ruth Ann.”
My answer is I was never looking for the answers. I’ve got the answers and trust me, they don’t lie in people. Don’t ever count on people for anything. You’re only going to be disappointed and frustrated.
So I think that’s what 2004 has taught me. People are worthless. There aren’t really any good ones out there. You think you find one and then they use you up, suck the last little bit of marrow from your bones and then throw away your dried up, lifeless body. I’m done with that.
I think I’ve decided that I’m not going to let anyone get close to me anymore. I’m just going to shut myself off from everyone. I’m not going to be mean or angry or antisocial or whatever, I’m just going to keep all my problems, struggles, and emotions to myself. Pretty much just close myself off. It’s easier. Save myself a bunch of disappointment and heartache.
I tried to explain this to a friend of mine who lives far away. He knows me, but he doesn’t know me and we were talking about personalities and how we got to be how we are. I explained it like this:
When I was born, my heart started out like a beautiful, white piece of canvas. Flawless, perfect, without a blemish on it. As I got older, any time anyone ever got to know me, they would handle my canvas. If they didn’t wear gloves, or weren’t careful, they would leave big, black smudges on the surface, tainting it and darkening the white fabric. Eventually, many people left marks on my canvas. Some were very faint, grey smudges; others were big black solid streaks, running the entire length of the fabric. Now that I’m older, I have given too many people access to my canvas and it is now something completely different. What used to be a beautiful piece of white canvas, stretched over a wooden frame is now a dark, dirty, ugly piece of tattered, torn fabric sagging over a beat up casing. I can’t restore the canvas to its original condition. The only thing I can do is keep people from touching it and making it worse.
So that’s what I’m going to do. That’s all I really can do. The only thing people are capable of doing is fucking up. I guess that means all my friends have free reign. I don’t really expect much of you and I don’t really need you anymore, so I guess that means we’re just going to hang out. I’ll still listen to your problems and be a good friend to you, but I really don’t expect that in return. Even if I did expect it, it wouldn’t matter because even when you expect things from a friend, that doesn’t mean they’ll deliver. So friends, you’re off the hook and you can thank 2004 for that.
2004, especially the last 5 months of 2004 have been especially difficult for me. Having shitty friends who don’t care about you only compounded the problem.
I guess my mantra for 2004 was “you can only kick me so many times while I’m down until I don’t get up anymore.”
So here you go, 2004. Here’s the great kiss off (which is a great song by the violent femmes, by the way). Let’s hope 2005 isn’t as craptacular. If it is, that’s fine. I don’t really expect anything better.
And now what everyone wants to see…
Sniper Kitty
Cute and fluffy on the outside, pissed and vengeful on the inside.
Kinda like me.