Crash into me
Well, I guess the main thing is that I’m okay. That’s what stupid people always say after they get in a car accident. Well, at least I’m okay. Yes, that’s right. The very least. You have nothing left except the fact that you’re okay. Stupid people.
I totaled my car on Saturday driving to work. There was water runoff on the hill that I drive on my way to the museum and it had frozen during the night. On top of that frozen water runoff was leaves. So here’s what it looks like in a mathematical sense.
Frozen water + leaves + Ruth Ann’s bad tires + telephone pole = 1 totaled CaVan.
I ended up hitting the ice and barreling into a telephone pole. My car, my poor, sweet, beautiful, little unique CaVan ended up crumpling around the pole. Steam immediately started pouring from the hood of my car. I was scared it was going to blow up so I jumped out. Bad move. I jumped out and damn near fell down because of the ice.
So the guy who was driving in front of me pulled over and checked to make sure I was okay. I was as far as I could tell. Then, I called the cops. Then, I called my parents. My dad answered the phone. Here’s what it sounded like:
Ring Ring Ring
Dad: Hello.
Me: Hey Dad (voice starts shaking).
Dad: Hey. What’s up?
Me: (crying but still talking in that weird 3 year old crying sort of way) I’ve got some bad news.
Dad: What is it? (he kinda laughed as he said this, thinking I was calling to be like “hey, something bad happened to me but in the grand scheme of things it’s not that bad kinda thing)
Me: (full fledged sobbing) I was driving to work - sniff sniff sniff- and I skidded on some ice and I hit a telephone pole and I’m fairly sure my car’s totaled.
Dad: Oh no. (my dad said OH NO. As in Mr. Bill ooooh nooo. In that really high pitched voice. Well, not exactly but close enough for me to notice.)
And it was right about here that I could hear my mom’s scurrying to get to the phone. She’s asking my dad questions like ‘what happened?’ and so forth.. Then my mom commandeered the phone.
Long story short. I was late for work. Well, not late. I ended up driving up to work to tell them I wouldn’t be in Saturday because I had to go to the emergency room to get checked out. My mom was afraid I’d broken my collarbone. I was afraid I’d broken my sternum. I hurt all over and my knee was throbbing.
I ended up going to the emergency room. They made me wear a neck brace in case I had a neck injury. I looked ridiculous. My dad started laughing at me when I walked out into the waiting room with my neck brace on. I said “look at what they’re handing out back there…. For free.” And then pointed to my stupid neck brace. I put my scarf on over the neck brace. I say in about 2 - 3 months, everyone will be wearing neck braces and scarves. They’re all the rage. If you can imagine me wearing this stupid, uncomfortable neck brace with a scarf wrapped around it. At first, it was hilarious and then it got to be extremely uncomfortable. Oh well. I ended up taking close to a dozen x-rays. Nothing’s broken but I do have some wicked bruises. They made me do a pregnancy test before I had the x-rays taken to make sure that I wasn’t pregnant. (I’m not, by the way. Always good news.) They made me take all the jewelry out of my head. I have 7 earrings and one tongue ring. They had to give me a little pan to put all my jewelry in. They let me keep my scarf on. Which didn’t make sense to me at all, but I guess flannel scarves don’t show up on x-rays. Metal barbells do.
Here are some random facts about my accident.
1. I hit the telephone pole so hard, that it ripped a huge hole in the ass of my jeans.
2. The cop, when arriving on the scene, looked at the crumpled mass of metal that was the front of my car and stated “so, you hit the pole, huh?”
3. People are very kind. About 6 people who drove by asked me if I needed help or wanted them to wait with me while the cop showed up.
4. The hardest thing I have ever had to do is pee in a little cup while wearing a neck brace.
5. All you need to do to get Loritabs is to wreck your car.
So now I’m carless. A chapter has closed for me now. I loved the CaVan. It was the best car of all time. I was the only person in Huntington with a CaVan. It’s called the CaVan because it isn’t quite a car and it isn’t quite a van. Here’s a picture of it, only that one looks way better than mine and my CaVan was white.
And just in case you were wondering, here’s what the accident looked like, only slightly less hysterical and animated.
And here’s what it would have looked like if I hit someone with a little silver car.
Well, I guess that’s all. The important thing is that I’m okay. But honestly, that’s a crock of shit. It would have been way cooler if I was in the hospital. Goodbye finals. Hello Easy Street. Oh well. I’ll try to aim better next time.
And for the record, I did not cry at all, despite what my parents, the people at work, Ashley, the police and the 20 or so people who drove by say.