(no subject)
I was listening to a conversation tonight about how my neighbor came to a revelation while under the influences of LSD when she was younger. Ever since then she believes touch is the fundamental catalyst for all healing. We survive because of our core desire for human contact.
I've always considered skin to be a favorite body part, and I always make a note of a lot of skin types when I meet people. Well, women mostly. Yesterday for example (excuse this short tangent), the girl I've been co-training with has skin I haven't seen since I was a kid. It reminded me of my grandma's skin on my dad's side, and my crazy cousin here in Portland is also similar. It's rare for me to see this kind. It's only interesting becauset he wrinkles aren't in places everyone else's wrinkles are. It's just different. And I have to mention KNF's skin as well as your skin. Except I haven't seen yours much (you wear jeans and tshirts and jackets a lot), but I know it's like KNF's. It's darker, smooth, and is visually attention getting. I like seeing you both in the snow because of how contrasted you are. It looks that much more tan? I guess is a word I could use. It belongs. It's warming. I wish I could touch you both, which is where this is all going.
Touch really is what heals us. And I'll admit that it might be the reason I feel so lonely so often. I like touch so much I hate touching people. I mean, I love it, but I'm not allowed to just touch a girl's skin. I can't glide my lips in their neck crevice behind their collarbone, or "caress" (hate that word) their back with fingertips... that's just fucking weird when she's not a girlfriend or sexual encounter. But that's what I want to do. It belongs. It's not sexual, either. Well, depending on context, but 95% of my desire to touch skin derives from what touching provides. Human contact. I poked an ex-coworker on her hipbone at work a long time ago, and she dropped the film cartridges she was working with and froze. I asked her if she was okay, and she turned around wide-eyed, and told me with sincerity that it felt like electricity. I don't know exactly what she meant by that, but if it means what I think it means, then it triggered the desire to be touched. Strange business. Sadly, I think that was the last time I got to touch anyone at all other then hugs, hand shakes, and high fives.
And here I am, 1400 miles from anyone I might have the slightest chance of touch allowance, sleeping under a bag, listening to Johnny Quest. Mleh.
There is so much to elaborate on, but I'm quickly remembering I'm not supposed to be thinking too much about my failures.
I'm gonna take a risk tomorrow. But it won't involve touching :(