Where blood shed on shallow graves...
"& It's almost like your heaven's trying everything...Your heaven's trying everything to keep me out."
I think it's time to start writing again. To those on my friends list you'll be able to see everything, I guess.
Today is Memorial day, & every year for these types of rememberance days, I always buy a Poppy - I collect them. I'm contemplating getting a tattoo of 3 poppies... They represent the blood that has been shed. I've had to watch many souls go down below and in a way I feel as if it's the reason that I'm so cold now. My grandmother came to my home in 2004 to pass... My grandfather passed 4 months later (2005)... 2008 my aunt passed at the home I was staying at...Which was hers. 2007 I had to put my cat to sleep - she was my baby. 2008 we had to put our adopted dog to sleep, Max.
I feel like i've experienced too much death in such a short people of time - no breathing room. No one ever gives you an outline of "how" to "deal" with death. You just do...
Maybe somewhere along the line I stopped "feeling" and just started going through the motions of life. I guess when I was younger I never really put much thought into the people around me dying, I always focused on what people would say at my funeral? How would people react to my death? Did I leave on good standings with everyone? Did I live my life the best way I could and knew how? Did I say everything I needed to say?...... & Then someone flatlines and I didn't always get a chance to say goodbye. One death in particular haunts me to this day, it's an overcast on my heart, my mind, and my soul.
The phone rang, he wanted to see us, my mother asked me to take her. All I remember is all the snow, piles of it and it seemed to me that if I went, I knew I wouldn't be coming back home that night. I had a psychology test to take at 7pm, I was so wrapped up in my studying I told her to wait for, Jay. I wanted to do well in school after what happened with my grandmother and how I completely fell off the wagon at school. She told him she would be there soon once Jay arrives.. Here I am... Still studying. An hour passes, another phone call and it's not good. My mother and Jay are on their way and that test I wanted to do so great on just wasn't important anymore. I wasted an hour on a text book, when I could have invested that hour on a life. I could have been there to see him go, I could have had a last word, I could have held his hand, what if he was scared???? He was scared! & I chose psychology over my grandfather. He was scared... and I didn't come to his side. He wanted us there so bad, you can hear it in his voice. & I know all of them other times I was at the hospital for his surgeries or appointments it did count, I get that. But the one time when he needed us most, I took that away from her, I took that away from us all.
& Now I live like I need to know where everything is going, some reasurrance, some end point. SOMETHING THAT MAKES SENSE or has a purpose. I sometimes feel the need to know what I'm investing in, what can be lost, what can be won? What can be lost..... Maybe I'll inherit the same fate for what I did that day and how I chose, maybe I already have, inside anyway - because I carry this with me everday... and it's kills me.die
In Flanders fields
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
I think it's time to start writing again. To those on my friends list you'll be able to see everything, I guess.
Today is Memorial day, & every year for these types of rememberance days, I always buy a Poppy - I collect them. I'm contemplating getting a tattoo of 3 poppies... They represent the blood that has been shed. I've had to watch many souls go down below and in a way I feel as if it's the reason that I'm so cold now. My grandmother came to my home in 2004 to pass... My grandfather passed 4 months later (2005)... 2008 my aunt passed at the home I was staying at...Which was hers. 2007 I had to put my cat to sleep - she was my baby. 2008 we had to put our adopted dog to sleep, Max.
I feel like i've experienced too much death in such a short people of time - no breathing room. No one ever gives you an outline of "how" to "deal" with death. You just do...
Maybe somewhere along the line I stopped "feeling" and just started going through the motions of life. I guess when I was younger I never really put much thought into the people around me dying, I always focused on what people would say at my funeral? How would people react to my death? Did I leave on good standings with everyone? Did I live my life the best way I could and knew how? Did I say everything I needed to say?...... & Then someone flatlines and I didn't always get a chance to say goodbye. One death in particular haunts me to this day, it's an overcast on my heart, my mind, and my soul.
The phone rang, he wanted to see us, my mother asked me to take her. All I remember is all the snow, piles of it and it seemed to me that if I went, I knew I wouldn't be coming back home that night. I had a psychology test to take at 7pm, I was so wrapped up in my studying I told her to wait for, Jay. I wanted to do well in school after what happened with my grandmother and how I completely fell off the wagon at school. She told him she would be there soon once Jay arrives.. Here I am... Still studying. An hour passes, another phone call and it's not good. My mother and Jay are on their way and that test I wanted to do so great on just wasn't important anymore. I wasted an hour on a text book, when I could have invested that hour on a life. I could have been there to see him go, I could have had a last word, I could have held his hand, what if he was scared???? He was scared! & I chose psychology over my grandfather. He was scared... and I didn't come to his side. He wanted us there so bad, you can hear it in his voice. & I know all of them other times I was at the hospital for his surgeries or appointments it did count, I get that. But the one time when he needed us most, I took that away from her, I took that away from us all.
& Now I live like I need to know where everything is going, some reasurrance, some end point. SOMETHING THAT MAKES SENSE or has a purpose. I sometimes feel the need to know what I'm investing in, what can be lost, what can be won? What can be lost..... Maybe I'll inherit the same fate for what I did that day and how I chose, maybe I already have, inside anyway - because I carry this with me everday... and it's kills me.die
In Flanders fields
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.