Thoughts.
I… I understand why Tezuka was upset. I do.
But, I don't know if I agree that Eiji should have been punished for it... He and Mukahi hosted the party, so everything that happened fell on their shoulders. As hosts, that's part of their responsibility, really… but… I don't know. It doesn't seem right. Eiji didn't seem to remember kissing Tezuka at all, that's what he told me. I believe him. Whether it was a joke or an accident… or something else entirely, it happened. I don't know why. I… didn't want to bring it up with Eiji after we talked. It looked like the thought really bothered him. … It would bother me too, to know I'd done something like that without remembering. He really seemed to take it personally, maybe that's why he looked so down on himself this past week. Well, that and all those extra laps and exercises.
Mn, I hadn't intended for him to do them. Sorry, Tezuka, I would have told you a little white lie to get him out of all that extra work. Just a lap and a set here and there… It's… part of why I volunteered to dole out his punishment. I-I wanted to keep an eye on him, of course, and make sure he'd be okay to handle the extra work. Hm… but I'd really counted on Eiji being his normal self, sneaking up to me in the club room and asking for the afternoon off, or taking a few of his evening laps and then heading inside. Eiji… he was like a different person all week. He didn't even talk to me beyond the short 'good morning's in the club room when he started his duties.
And… I started to feel really guilty. What if he hated me for coming up with those punishments? What if he didn't want to talk to me again? Or didn't want to play doubles anymore? Even though there aren't any official matches anymore… I wouldn't want to see our pair end like that. But last night, even as he was half-conscious and exhausted, he hugged me… and apologized to me. I… hm, I still don't know why he thinks he owes me an apology, when it was Tezuka he kissed. It was a huge relief though, to know he was still willing to talk to me. The hug… I hadn't counted on, but that felt nice too.
I mean, I laughed it off at first-the idea of Eiji liking Tezuka in that way… But what if he does? He made that post about glasses and looking smarter… maybe he was trying to impress him. If Eiji has a type though-I wouldn't have guessed in a million years it'd be someone like Tezuka. "Someone fun," he said. Well, Tezuka's fun in his own way, once you get to know him. But it's definitely a more quiet 'fun' than Eiji enjoys. If… he makes him happy… that's all I want. Eiji went about it the wrong way, kissing Tezuka… but… I can't… be entirely… I don't know. If Tezuka makes him happy, then I'd be happy for the both of them. Even if I don't get it at all…
Tezuka, like I said… I understand why he's angry with Eiji though. M-maybe I'm old-fashioned, and I think Tezuka's probably that type too, but it was his first kiss… it shouldn't have been rushed at a party with someone he may or may not like too. It's important, I think.
Though… in saying that. It makes me a hypocrite.
Ugh, that's why this entry's private... I suppose… It makes my stomach ball up thinking about all those punishments Eiji had to endure, about how angry Tezuka was about not remembering his first kiss… about everything I watched silently like a coward and didn't speak up about because it scared still scares me. I did the same thing as Eiji, but no one was there to catch me, or punish me for it. I… got away with it, I guess. Now a part of me wishes I hadn't.
I-it wasn't like I'd intended for it to be malicious… or anything. It was the night before that Second Year Formal, weeks ago… the one I'd agreed to attend with that fan- Satsuki-chan. I had already talked to Eiji about it, how much I was worried about doing the right thing-it was my first real 'date' and I got a little overwhelmed with all the etiquette and expectations that came along with that. He seemed to begrudgingly listen to it… I probably rambled a lot… not unlike what's happening with this post… I ended up talking so long with him that he just agreed to stay the night, and he fell asleep easy. I just couldn't. At the back of my mind it just kept ringing that tomorrow night she might expect a kiss. I don't know why I accepted that date in the first place, really… I told Eiji I did because I thought it'd be nice to treat a fan but, I know that wasn't it. It was more like I was trying to prove something… to myself. I worried and worried and the hours kept ticking away, then I started worrying about not getting any sleep, and it only got worse. I panicked. I didn't want my first kiss to be with someone I didn't care about. So I…
I kissed Eiji.
T-typing it out even… mn, it seems strange.
My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, I was so nervous he'd wake up and I'd have a lot of awkward explaining to do. However, he didn't move at all. I don't know how I reasoned it in my head in the first place… 3AM logic, I guess. Eiji's my closest friend, and I care about him a lot so… at the very least I could hold onto that as a memory of my first kiss. Hm, now it sounds like I'm justifying it. I'm not! I shouldn't have done it! A-as it turns out, I was worried for nothing anyway. Satsuki-chan didn't insist on anything, which was a relief.
It was selfish of me, looking back. At the time I was just worried about myself but, as far as I know, it was Eiji's first kiss too. It wasn't right, to do that in his sleep. He trusts me. And now, Eiji getting punished for the same thing I did to him… I still don't get why I did it in the first place… It really hurts to watch him go through what I deserve too, but… I don't know if I have the courage to tell him.
That's really, really low, I know.
I'll say it here though. Eiji, I'm sorry for everything you went through this week. I'm sorry that I didn't say something, or stop you. … I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to be honest with you. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can ever tell you. It'd be best if you just didn't know about it, and had your first real kiss with someone you really liked. Tezuka…
Maybe in a few years when you're happy with someone, I can tell you what happened and we can both laugh about it.
[OOC: Written during the long span of time Eiji was passed out in his bed before White Day]