Eff this shit
Well... today it snowed like a billion feet, actually 3 feet, and I am snowed in... soo I have had time to think and here is what I came up with...
Even though I always talk about how much I am ready to leave high school, get out of McQueen, and just be... I am deathly afraid that I am going to fail in life... Nothing I do will ever amount to what is expected, I will end up living on the street or lying an a gutter because I made a mistake... I just turned 17 years old, and I already just get sick of the thought of having to leave home, go to college, and make my own life, away from everything, anything I know... where the whole maturity issue isnt really an issue for me, I am just so worried of failing everyone in my life who told me that I would become anything... I've already effed up everything else, as my mom would say, but thinking about having a family, with a husband, adopted kids, my own house, paying for bills, having a job, I don't think I'll be able to do it... I don't want to sit around for the rest of my life and just be there, half way getting by... I want everything I have now, but I know the hardships my parents went threw to get where we are today... it's not even a "we" thing... my dad is gone, I hate him so much, but I don't want my kids to hate me, I don't know how to parent, I don't know how to feel, I don't even know how to love anything, yet anyone for that matter.... the future looks me blankly in the eye, and for once not knowing whats infront of me is scaring me... I don't know if I should just stop it before it starts or actually what. If life is anything like highschool, I am destined for absolute failure and feelings of disreguard for everyone around me except my circle. Have every older figure despise me, and be graded on everything I do... eff this and eff me.
Even though I always talk about how much I am ready to leave high school, get out of McQueen, and just be... I am deathly afraid that I am going to fail in life... Nothing I do will ever amount to what is expected, I will end up living on the street or lying an a gutter because I made a mistake... I just turned 17 years old, and I already just get sick of the thought of having to leave home, go to college, and make my own life, away from everything, anything I know... where the whole maturity issue isnt really an issue for me, I am just so worried of failing everyone in my life who told me that I would become anything... I've already effed up everything else, as my mom would say, but thinking about having a family, with a husband, adopted kids, my own house, paying for bills, having a job, I don't think I'll be able to do it... I don't want to sit around for the rest of my life and just be there, half way getting by... I want everything I have now, but I know the hardships my parents went threw to get where we are today... it's not even a "we" thing... my dad is gone, I hate him so much, but I don't want my kids to hate me, I don't know how to parent, I don't know how to feel, I don't even know how to love anything, yet anyone for that matter.... the future looks me blankly in the eye, and for once not knowing whats infront of me is scaring me... I don't know if I should just stop it before it starts or actually what. If life is anything like highschool, I am destined for absolute failure and feelings of disreguard for everyone around me except my circle. Have every older figure despise me, and be graded on everything I do... eff this and eff me.