TKD considerations and disappointing doctors
Two weeks ago, I decided to take a break from TKD. The truth is, I haven't been happy at my new dojong from the beginning. I have tried to give it a chance - for nearly a year and a half. To be honest: the people are nice and Master P is knowledgeable and clearly is concerned for the welfare of his students. (There used to be a Master K there as well, but back in October he seemed to find another career he wanted to pursue, so now Master P teaches all the classes on his own.) But I have never felt at home there, and some of the things I've learned, completely contrary to what I learned in PA - even though I try to tell myself that all knowledge is good, and there's more than one way to do things - have been really frustrating. Then there's what I'm NOT learning: I don't feel like Master P spends much time on technique for most things, except maybe self defense. And I *like* self defense, so that's fine, but it means I don't feel like I've improved my kicks, my forms (especially as I had to learn all new forms, and nobody has ever taught me how to clean them up) or much of anything else. In terms of muscle-building exercises like holding a squat position, or doing a ton of pushups - I feel like the bar is always set too high so that nobody can reasonably achieve them, instead of starting a little bit lower and working up. And even if people are nice, I don't feel like I've connected with anyone. There's no joking around, it's all very serious and polite chit-chat, you know?
Essentially, every single time I went to class, I didn't want to go. I had to force myself to go. Every. Time. The pride I had at earning my black belt? I lost that almost immediately upon joining the new dojong. I don't feel like I deserve it. I have never had the confidence of Master P - I've never felt that he held my abilities in any particular regard, and he even said, to my face, after my first "intermediate belt test" (he tests black belts twice a year to keep tabs on their progress, in preparation for their next belt) that he wasn't too sure how well I would do. I think I posted here how, during my second belt test, everyone was encouraged to take kid-strength boards (very thin) which just felt insulting, even if I wasn't targeted directly. But, yeah - that belt I worked so hard for, and was so proud to have? It now feels like ... nothing.
What I really want to do is go back to Master K's in PA. For the first year after we moved here, I commuted once every two weeks in order to attend the every-other-Friday black belt class (and if I was lucky enough to sleep over, I'd go to Sat morning class as well, before going home), and in the summer (when there is no black belt class) I just picked a class to attend, once every two weeks. In between, I did my best to train at home, practicing forms, kicks, mentally practicing self defense or one-step sparring against imaginary opponents, doing some of the endurance exercises or calisthenics I knew we often did in real class, stuff like that. It helped that, at the time, I was also taking a twice-weekly exercise class through my church, mostly body-weight exercises and kettlebells, but sometimes ropes, or tires, or whatever, which I really enjoyed, and helped round out my fitness routine, since I couldn't get to TKD regularly.
Unfortunately, that church-based class is no longer offered there; it's only at the Catholic high school, which isn't nearby. I *could* hike out there for class, I think, but it would be challenging, especially as I think that one's only offered early in the morning, not in the evening. For awhile, I tried to keep up some of those exercises at home, along with regular weight-lifting and body-weight exercises, but I admit to having fallen off the wagon and am having trouble motivating myself to get back on.
Meanwhile, since my injurious half marathon in November, I have not run farther than 3 miles - except yesterday, when I ran 4 miles for the first time.
So: between probable anemia (I don't have recent bloodwork results yet) from the Crohn's, decrease in running, decrease in home exercising, and now dropping TKD, I feel like I'm losing strength by the day, and I hate that. But I also am depressed by the NJ TKD dojong, the Crohn's and a new knee problem and am finding it hard to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get done what I can, even if it isn't much.
The question I've been asking myself every day for the past two weeks, and after nearly every TKD class for the past year and a half is: can I find a way to make returning to my PA dojong feasible? Can I make the commitment to exercise on my own here at home? Will it really benefit me to only attend class once a week (because if I were to "properly" return, I would go once a week, not once every other week). Would I learn enough? Should I add in some regular private lessons to help learn more? Can we afford those extra lessons? And given the current Crohn's flareup, is putting myself in a car for long trips every week a good idea? *Could* I keep up, energy- and health-wise, with black belt class right now?
The answer to all these questions is: I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know, and it's killing me. I want to make it work, and I don't know if I have it in me to make it work. I don't know if it's realistic to try to make it work, even if I try hard at home. How ludicrous is it to commute once a week 90 miles because I can't find a closer school I like here? (I did try another school a year ago, just to see if I liked it better, but I didn't.)
I feel like a failure - the failure to adapt. When in Rome and all that. How many times have I told my kids to wait out an uncomfortable situation, that it will get better? It's part of why I stuck it out for a year and a half. I feel like if I had a better attitude, maybe I would have adjusted better, but ... I don't know. I do know many people have moved away and struggled to find a school they like as well as Master K's, with its dedication to technique, the family atmosphere, etc. So I know I'm not alone in that. But I hate the idea of quitting, too.
I still don't know what I'm going to do.
And in less existential issues: I had my appointment with the new dermatologist on Thursday, regarding my recent flare-up of peri-oral dermatitis. First off, it was one of those "wait 40 mins for a 3-min consult" things, which is just irritating in itself. I had mentioned to the intake nurse/assistant (once I was in the exam room) that I was also looking for a quick full-body scan, given my history of the pre-cancerous moles on my back. She was like, "Oh, no - that will be another appointment. She doesn't do a quick check, she's thorough and it takes at least fifteen minutes. When you schedule your follow-up for this appointment, you can add that on." But, you know, it clearly demonstrated that the doctor had no intention of spending *gasp* fifteen minutes with me right then. (Compare this to when the new gastroenterologist spent an *hour* with me. And, yes, I realize that's a much more complex issue, but still.) I felt like she was pretty condescending, though, that I was completely out of line for asking for such a thing. (When I had gone to the previous derm in PA, she had, indeed, taken 5-10 minutes to do a quick scan on the spot, which is how she found the moles.) Both the assistant and the doctor reacted with the equivalent of raised eyebrows that I was coming in claiming something so specific as "peri-oral dermatitis," although after the doctor had laid eyes on me for 10 seconds, she agreed that was clearly what it was. Unfortunately, I had absolutely zero memory of what they had done to treat it last time, and since I only had made the appointment 2 days before, I hadn't thought to call my PA derm office (or my pharmacist) and ask for records. I only remembered being told to avoid sodium laurel sulfate (common in most toothpastes) - and, again, the doctor and assistant both reacted with raised eyebrows. "Were you tested for an allergy?" Uh, no? The doctor just suggested it as a common thing, and when I switched toothpastes, the symptoms went away so ... that seemed to work? But I just felt like my previous doctor was being branded incompetent and that my requests were dismissable and ... yeah, I wasn't impressed, really.
The new doctor decided that since I had been treated before, and that I probably had been treated with the first, most common type of ointment, she would skip that and go to the second type, and also added on a daily medicated face wash to use. She cautioned me it could take as much as 6 weeks to improve, which felt ludicrous because it definitely didn't take that long last time. Initially she wanted to use oral antibiotics as well, but I put the kibosh on that because Crohn's + oral antibiotics =/= a good idea. Within minutes the doctor left (see above: 3 min consult) and the assistant handed me the business card of the special pharmacy they use, because that place has a lot of access to discounts and such, and that they'd deliver the meds/wash to me directly at our house. Which is why I was completely baffled to receive the phone call from my regular pharmacist fifteen minutes later, informing me that they'd have to order it and, oh, did I know it would cost over $100 and so did I want them to proceed? I told them to hold the prescription until I could get it straightened out, because, as far as I knew, the prescription shouldn't have gone to them at all. I tried calling the derm place back right away but it was 4:58p by then and it went straight to their after-hours voice mail.
Friday morning I had an appointment with MiniPlu's counselor at the high school - time for the juniors to have the pre-college talk, which parents are supposed to also attend. Once I came back, I had less than an hour to get ready for the lunch shift at the elementary school and do a few other things. I could have called the derm place back right then, but I didn't think of it at the time. Instead, I called when I got back from lunch shift, a little after 2p. And guess what? The dermologists' office closes at 2p on Fridays! Once again, I got the after-hours voice mail.
Saturday I called AGAIN, because they are usually open for a bit on Saturday mornings. I did get a real person, but when I explained the issue, she sent me to the nurse help line, which, ok, fine, except the recording there specified that nurses only answer that line Mon-Fri ... which meant that nobody was going to be helping me until today at the earliest. Argh! I mean, you're OPEN and presumably you have nurses THERE, so why the heck won't they answer that help line??
I should add that this place came highly recommended by the elementary secretary, who had sung this facility's praises. I didn't get her specific doctor, but I definitely expected more from a place with a personal recommendation, you know? Anyway, I'll stick it out until the next appointment in 2 months (the day before we go back to Disney) but if they continue to be snooty I might see about finding somewhere else for future needs, if necessary.
Oh, and I did get the name of the topical medication I'd been prescribed before, so I called the local office AGAIN this morning, to see if the doctor might want to change her mind on what she was prescribing me. The nurse said she'd get back to me. Still waiting.
EDIT: 2pm - just heard back from derm nurse, who began the conversation with "How can I help you?" as if she had absolutely NO idea about the content of the weekend message and phone call I'd had this morning with someone else. Which meant I had to go over it all again. Except once I had done so, she again said, "How can I help you?" like it wasn't clear, and when I said, "Well, I wanted to know if the doctor wanted to change her plan, now that I know what I was treated with before," the nurse was like, "No, she wants you to take what she prescribed you last week." Rather snootily. So, uh, if you DID know what this was about, why didn't you just say so up front? And when I said, "Well, that's not what the other person said - she said she was going to talk to the doctor and get back to me" this person said, "Well, I work with the doctor," (implying that nobody else in her office could magically know the doctor's wishes, as she apparently can) "and she wants you to take [meds]." I was a little taken aback by her attitude, but I said, "Ok, so they're going to be called into the right pharmacy this time?" and she was all, icily, "The RIGHT pharmacy?" as if they could not have possibly made any mistakes and I didn't know what I was talking about. I'm guessing it's the same assistant I saw on Thursday, given the attitude.
And when all was said and done and she asked if there was anything else she could do, I hesitated a moment, but then said, "You could be less condescending to the patients" and hung up on her. Because, OMG, I'd had it by then.
Seriously, I might not even keep the April follow-up appointment/body scan at this point - I might just go straight to another office, because I'm not willing to put up with this shit.
Meh.
(And speaking of skin conditions: there's an entire drama story around some full-body mystery rash my FIL developed, but we won't go into that now.)
And, finally: I finished reading Six of Crows last week; it had been a Christmas gift from hamsterwoman. I started it as soon as I finished Michelle Obama's Becoming around the new year, but took a brief detour with the SPECTR stories. Short version: I enjoyed it, although I felt it bogged down a little bit in the middle. Keep in mind that I have never read Leigh Bardugo's original Grisha trilogy, so the entire 'verse was new to me. I loved the pseudo countries/cities: Ketterdam/Amsterdam, Ravka/Russia, Shu/China, etc. I'm trying to picture what ethnicity is associated with Novyi Zem - that's clearly "the new world" - but the author makes a point of mentioning Jesper's darker coloring. Is he supposed to be pseudo-Hispanic? African-American? Something else? Is Suli the equivalent of Gypsy/Travelers? Little things like that - I'd like to know more about the 'verse, so I can picture it better.
I liked the way the author structured the story - we meet the characters along the way, but only learn their backstories in bits and pieces. Kaz's is probably the saddest to me, especially the reason he wears gloves all the time. But I liked that Inej isn't willing to put up with it by the end of the book - "I will have you without your armor, or not at all." (Paraphrased, sorry.) I felt the story bogged down for a bit in the middle - rescuing Matthias and getting going with their trip. But as more of the backstories are revealed, I felt more connected to the characters, and the pace picked up again for me.
I admit I was surprised that Kaz freed Pekka Rollins, rather than killing him, as all that blood implied. (What WAS the blood from, then?) On the other hand, I can see why Kaz would want Rollins to suffer long and hard, as he himself has suffered. I'm guessing the "deal" he made - supposedly giving up his shares in the club - is going to be part of that long-term plan?
I wanted to violently shake each of the participants who harbors secret feelings for another participant, but is unwilling - for whatever reason - to voice or act on those feelings. I mean, thank GOODNESS Matthias and Nina finally come around, with Matthias essentially pledging himself to Nina and Nina threatening to kiss him senseless if they survived their escape/her detox from jurda parem. Kaz and Inej seemed to finally be getting there, but Kaz remains too pig-headed, and too afraid of touch and emotional commitment - to actually cross the divide. I hope that once Inej is rescued (which, I presume, will eventually happen in Crooked Kingdom?) they get their shit together. Also ... I didn't imagine the flirting between Jesper and Wylan, did I? Is there any bias against m/m relationships in this 'verse? Do they eventually get their shit together?
Anyway, I did enjoy this, and once I've read some other things on my to-read list (just started Queen of Air and Darkness, which will take awhile), I might well want to come back and read Crooked Kingdom. Has anyone else here read it? Did you like it?
Essentially, every single time I went to class, I didn't want to go. I had to force myself to go. Every. Time. The pride I had at earning my black belt? I lost that almost immediately upon joining the new dojong. I don't feel like I deserve it. I have never had the confidence of Master P - I've never felt that he held my abilities in any particular regard, and he even said, to my face, after my first "intermediate belt test" (he tests black belts twice a year to keep tabs on their progress, in preparation for their next belt) that he wasn't too sure how well I would do. I think I posted here how, during my second belt test, everyone was encouraged to take kid-strength boards (very thin) which just felt insulting, even if I wasn't targeted directly. But, yeah - that belt I worked so hard for, and was so proud to have? It now feels like ... nothing.
What I really want to do is go back to Master K's in PA. For the first year after we moved here, I commuted once every two weeks in order to attend the every-other-Friday black belt class (and if I was lucky enough to sleep over, I'd go to Sat morning class as well, before going home), and in the summer (when there is no black belt class) I just picked a class to attend, once every two weeks. In between, I did my best to train at home, practicing forms, kicks, mentally practicing self defense or one-step sparring against imaginary opponents, doing some of the endurance exercises or calisthenics I knew we often did in real class, stuff like that. It helped that, at the time, I was also taking a twice-weekly exercise class through my church, mostly body-weight exercises and kettlebells, but sometimes ropes, or tires, or whatever, which I really enjoyed, and helped round out my fitness routine, since I couldn't get to TKD regularly.
Unfortunately, that church-based class is no longer offered there; it's only at the Catholic high school, which isn't nearby. I *could* hike out there for class, I think, but it would be challenging, especially as I think that one's only offered early in the morning, not in the evening. For awhile, I tried to keep up some of those exercises at home, along with regular weight-lifting and body-weight exercises, but I admit to having fallen off the wagon and am having trouble motivating myself to get back on.
Meanwhile, since my injurious half marathon in November, I have not run farther than 3 miles - except yesterday, when I ran 4 miles for the first time.
So: between probable anemia (I don't have recent bloodwork results yet) from the Crohn's, decrease in running, decrease in home exercising, and now dropping TKD, I feel like I'm losing strength by the day, and I hate that. But I also am depressed by the NJ TKD dojong, the Crohn's and a new knee problem and am finding it hard to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get done what I can, even if it isn't much.
The question I've been asking myself every day for the past two weeks, and after nearly every TKD class for the past year and a half is: can I find a way to make returning to my PA dojong feasible? Can I make the commitment to exercise on my own here at home? Will it really benefit me to only attend class once a week (because if I were to "properly" return, I would go once a week, not once every other week). Would I learn enough? Should I add in some regular private lessons to help learn more? Can we afford those extra lessons? And given the current Crohn's flareup, is putting myself in a car for long trips every week a good idea? *Could* I keep up, energy- and health-wise, with black belt class right now?
The answer to all these questions is: I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know, and it's killing me. I want to make it work, and I don't know if I have it in me to make it work. I don't know if it's realistic to try to make it work, even if I try hard at home. How ludicrous is it to commute once a week 90 miles because I can't find a closer school I like here? (I did try another school a year ago, just to see if I liked it better, but I didn't.)
I feel like a failure - the failure to adapt. When in Rome and all that. How many times have I told my kids to wait out an uncomfortable situation, that it will get better? It's part of why I stuck it out for a year and a half. I feel like if I had a better attitude, maybe I would have adjusted better, but ... I don't know. I do know many people have moved away and struggled to find a school they like as well as Master K's, with its dedication to technique, the family atmosphere, etc. So I know I'm not alone in that. But I hate the idea of quitting, too.
I still don't know what I'm going to do.
And in less existential issues: I had my appointment with the new dermatologist on Thursday, regarding my recent flare-up of peri-oral dermatitis. First off, it was one of those "wait 40 mins for a 3-min consult" things, which is just irritating in itself. I had mentioned to the intake nurse/assistant (once I was in the exam room) that I was also looking for a quick full-body scan, given my history of the pre-cancerous moles on my back. She was like, "Oh, no - that will be another appointment. She doesn't do a quick check, she's thorough and it takes at least fifteen minutes. When you schedule your follow-up for this appointment, you can add that on." But, you know, it clearly demonstrated that the doctor had no intention of spending *gasp* fifteen minutes with me right then. (Compare this to when the new gastroenterologist spent an *hour* with me. And, yes, I realize that's a much more complex issue, but still.) I felt like she was pretty condescending, though, that I was completely out of line for asking for such a thing. (When I had gone to the previous derm in PA, she had, indeed, taken 5-10 minutes to do a quick scan on the spot, which is how she found the moles.) Both the assistant and the doctor reacted with the equivalent of raised eyebrows that I was coming in claiming something so specific as "peri-oral dermatitis," although after the doctor had laid eyes on me for 10 seconds, she agreed that was clearly what it was. Unfortunately, I had absolutely zero memory of what they had done to treat it last time, and since I only had made the appointment 2 days before, I hadn't thought to call my PA derm office (or my pharmacist) and ask for records. I only remembered being told to avoid sodium laurel sulfate (common in most toothpastes) - and, again, the doctor and assistant both reacted with raised eyebrows. "Were you tested for an allergy?" Uh, no? The doctor just suggested it as a common thing, and when I switched toothpastes, the symptoms went away so ... that seemed to work? But I just felt like my previous doctor was being branded incompetent and that my requests were dismissable and ... yeah, I wasn't impressed, really.
The new doctor decided that since I had been treated before, and that I probably had been treated with the first, most common type of ointment, she would skip that and go to the second type, and also added on a daily medicated face wash to use. She cautioned me it could take as much as 6 weeks to improve, which felt ludicrous because it definitely didn't take that long last time. Initially she wanted to use oral antibiotics as well, but I put the kibosh on that because Crohn's + oral antibiotics =/= a good idea. Within minutes the doctor left (see above: 3 min consult) and the assistant handed me the business card of the special pharmacy they use, because that place has a lot of access to discounts and such, and that they'd deliver the meds/wash to me directly at our house. Which is why I was completely baffled to receive the phone call from my regular pharmacist fifteen minutes later, informing me that they'd have to order it and, oh, did I know it would cost over $100 and so did I want them to proceed? I told them to hold the prescription until I could get it straightened out, because, as far as I knew, the prescription shouldn't have gone to them at all. I tried calling the derm place back right away but it was 4:58p by then and it went straight to their after-hours voice mail.
Friday morning I had an appointment with MiniPlu's counselor at the high school - time for the juniors to have the pre-college talk, which parents are supposed to also attend. Once I came back, I had less than an hour to get ready for the lunch shift at the elementary school and do a few other things. I could have called the derm place back right then, but I didn't think of it at the time. Instead, I called when I got back from lunch shift, a little after 2p. And guess what? The dermologists' office closes at 2p on Fridays! Once again, I got the after-hours voice mail.
Saturday I called AGAIN, because they are usually open for a bit on Saturday mornings. I did get a real person, but when I explained the issue, she sent me to the nurse help line, which, ok, fine, except the recording there specified that nurses only answer that line Mon-Fri ... which meant that nobody was going to be helping me until today at the earliest. Argh! I mean, you're OPEN and presumably you have nurses THERE, so why the heck won't they answer that help line??
I should add that this place came highly recommended by the elementary secretary, who had sung this facility's praises. I didn't get her specific doctor, but I definitely expected more from a place with a personal recommendation, you know? Anyway, I'll stick it out until the next appointment in 2 months (the day before we go back to Disney) but if they continue to be snooty I might see about finding somewhere else for future needs, if necessary.
Oh, and I did get the name of the topical medication I'd been prescribed before, so I called the local office AGAIN this morning, to see if the doctor might want to change her mind on what she was prescribing me. The nurse said she'd get back to me. Still waiting.
EDIT: 2pm - just heard back from derm nurse, who began the conversation with "How can I help you?" as if she had absolutely NO idea about the content of the weekend message and phone call I'd had this morning with someone else. Which meant I had to go over it all again. Except once I had done so, she again said, "How can I help you?" like it wasn't clear, and when I said, "Well, I wanted to know if the doctor wanted to change her plan, now that I know what I was treated with before," the nurse was like, "No, she wants you to take what she prescribed you last week." Rather snootily. So, uh, if you DID know what this was about, why didn't you just say so up front? And when I said, "Well, that's not what the other person said - she said she was going to talk to the doctor and get back to me" this person said, "Well, I work with the doctor," (implying that nobody else in her office could magically know the doctor's wishes, as she apparently can) "and she wants you to take [meds]." I was a little taken aback by her attitude, but I said, "Ok, so they're going to be called into the right pharmacy this time?" and she was all, icily, "The RIGHT pharmacy?" as if they could not have possibly made any mistakes and I didn't know what I was talking about. I'm guessing it's the same assistant I saw on Thursday, given the attitude.
And when all was said and done and she asked if there was anything else she could do, I hesitated a moment, but then said, "You could be less condescending to the patients" and hung up on her. Because, OMG, I'd had it by then.
Seriously, I might not even keep the April follow-up appointment/body scan at this point - I might just go straight to another office, because I'm not willing to put up with this shit.
Meh.
(And speaking of skin conditions: there's an entire drama story around some full-body mystery rash my FIL developed, but we won't go into that now.)
And, finally: I finished reading Six of Crows last week; it had been a Christmas gift from hamsterwoman. I started it as soon as I finished Michelle Obama's Becoming around the new year, but took a brief detour with the SPECTR stories. Short version: I enjoyed it, although I felt it bogged down a little bit in the middle. Keep in mind that I have never read Leigh Bardugo's original Grisha trilogy, so the entire 'verse was new to me. I loved the pseudo countries/cities: Ketterdam/Amsterdam, Ravka/Russia, Shu/China, etc. I'm trying to picture what ethnicity is associated with Novyi Zem - that's clearly "the new world" - but the author makes a point of mentioning Jesper's darker coloring. Is he supposed to be pseudo-Hispanic? African-American? Something else? Is Suli the equivalent of Gypsy/Travelers? Little things like that - I'd like to know more about the 'verse, so I can picture it better.
I liked the way the author structured the story - we meet the characters along the way, but only learn their backstories in bits and pieces. Kaz's is probably the saddest to me, especially the reason he wears gloves all the time. But I liked that Inej isn't willing to put up with it by the end of the book - "I will have you without your armor, or not at all." (Paraphrased, sorry.) I felt the story bogged down for a bit in the middle - rescuing Matthias and getting going with their trip. But as more of the backstories are revealed, I felt more connected to the characters, and the pace picked up again for me.
I admit I was surprised that Kaz freed Pekka Rollins, rather than killing him, as all that blood implied. (What WAS the blood from, then?) On the other hand, I can see why Kaz would want Rollins to suffer long and hard, as he himself has suffered. I'm guessing the "deal" he made - supposedly giving up his shares in the club - is going to be part of that long-term plan?
I wanted to violently shake each of the participants who harbors secret feelings for another participant, but is unwilling - for whatever reason - to voice or act on those feelings. I mean, thank GOODNESS Matthias and Nina finally come around, with Matthias essentially pledging himself to Nina and Nina threatening to kiss him senseless if they survived their escape/her detox from jurda parem. Kaz and Inej seemed to finally be getting there, but Kaz remains too pig-headed, and too afraid of touch and emotional commitment - to actually cross the divide. I hope that once Inej is rescued (which, I presume, will eventually happen in Crooked Kingdom?) they get their shit together. Also ... I didn't imagine the flirting between Jesper and Wylan, did I? Is there any bias against m/m relationships in this 'verse? Do they eventually get their shit together?
Anyway, I did enjoy this, and once I've read some other things on my to-read list (just started Queen of Air and Darkness, which will take awhile), I might well want to come back and read Crooked Kingdom. Has anyone else here read it? Did you like it?