Sexuality Musings
Because I'm sure my tumblr followers are tired of hearing about it and I know I've talked to some people on here before about sexuality, but this is kind of...my journey over the last year into realizing a little more about myself and what I identify as.
So. I'm asexual. Probably heteroromantic asexual if I had to classify myself further, but since I've never had a relationship it's hard to say if I'd find the romantic aspects of it appealing (however, I'm aesthetically attracted to men so that's where I'm basing this from).
And it's...been a process, realizing this, simply because up until a couple of years ago I didn't know asexuality existed and I just assumed I was a late bloomer or more interested in getting an education/finding a career than being in a relationship. It was always something I was 'ashamed' of socially because I felt like I could never relate to my peers, who were in relationships and getting married and having babies and I just...wasn't there yet. I had no interest in talking about sex, in discussing sex, in being sexually active, and part of me thought there was something wrong with me but now I'm very glad to realize that...there isn't, and my lack of sexual attraction has nothing to do with a lack of 'maturity'.
I told my parents about it in June, mostly because my mother was going on and on and on about finding a boyfriend and 'meeting the right one' and 'didn't you know him back in elementary school he's cute' and finally I just snapped and told her point-blank that she needed to stop looking for 'a man' for me because I wasn't interested in that. My father's been great about it, but my mom...well, let's just say the continual jabs about 'i'll never have grandchildren' and 'at least your cousins have kids because i'll never experience that for myself' are really, really irritating and make me feel like shit, but she doesn't seem to comprehend how this could be harmful to me because I guess I should be having kids for her sake.
But that aside, I've also come to realize that I probably should have recognized my asexuality sooner just based on the fandoms and interests that I have. And I know some people might call some of them 'childish', but really, when a show revolves around sex and sexuality I generally stop watching because I just...can't relate. And getting back into One Piece now especially, the fact that it doesn't put any focus on relationships or sexuality and is about comradeship and adventure and humor and drama that has little or nothing to do with 'couple drama' is probably a huge reason why I love it so much. And my other favorite shows/movies/fandoms (Les Mis, Lord of the Rings, Glee (when it started, at least, although eventually it started to focus almost solely on relationships and kind of lost me there), Graceland, etc. all do have elements of romantic relationships within them, but it's not really the 'main' focus) all follow the same pattern to an extent. And probably the fact that when I was in film school my final project script had the male and female protagonists be just friends (despite the fact that my screenwriting teacher told me 'nobody will want it if they don't get together) should also have been a clue.
So I'm not really sure what I'm word-spamming for, other than to say realizing I'm asexual has just made me see that I'm not abnormal, I'm not immature, I'm not a 'late bloomer', and that's helped me feel a lot more confident in myself even if the people around me don't really accept it and tell me that 'I just need to have sex or I can't say I don't like it'.
So...yeah.
So. I'm asexual. Probably heteroromantic asexual if I had to classify myself further, but since I've never had a relationship it's hard to say if I'd find the romantic aspects of it appealing (however, I'm aesthetically attracted to men so that's where I'm basing this from).
And it's...been a process, realizing this, simply because up until a couple of years ago I didn't know asexuality existed and I just assumed I was a late bloomer or more interested in getting an education/finding a career than being in a relationship. It was always something I was 'ashamed' of socially because I felt like I could never relate to my peers, who were in relationships and getting married and having babies and I just...wasn't there yet. I had no interest in talking about sex, in discussing sex, in being sexually active, and part of me thought there was something wrong with me but now I'm very glad to realize that...there isn't, and my lack of sexual attraction has nothing to do with a lack of 'maturity'.
I told my parents about it in June, mostly because my mother was going on and on and on about finding a boyfriend and 'meeting the right one' and 'didn't you know him back in elementary school he's cute' and finally I just snapped and told her point-blank that she needed to stop looking for 'a man' for me because I wasn't interested in that. My father's been great about it, but my mom...well, let's just say the continual jabs about 'i'll never have grandchildren' and 'at least your cousins have kids because i'll never experience that for myself' are really, really irritating and make me feel like shit, but she doesn't seem to comprehend how this could be harmful to me because I guess I should be having kids for her sake.
But that aside, I've also come to realize that I probably should have recognized my asexuality sooner just based on the fandoms and interests that I have. And I know some people might call some of them 'childish', but really, when a show revolves around sex and sexuality I generally stop watching because I just...can't relate. And getting back into One Piece now especially, the fact that it doesn't put any focus on relationships or sexuality and is about comradeship and adventure and humor and drama that has little or nothing to do with 'couple drama' is probably a huge reason why I love it so much. And my other favorite shows/movies/fandoms (Les Mis, Lord of the Rings, Glee (when it started, at least, although eventually it started to focus almost solely on relationships and kind of lost me there), Graceland, etc. all do have elements of romantic relationships within them, but it's not really the 'main' focus) all follow the same pattern to an extent. And probably the fact that when I was in film school my final project script had the male and female protagonists be just friends (despite the fact that my screenwriting teacher told me 'nobody will want it if they don't get together) should also have been a clue.
So I'm not really sure what I'm word-spamming for, other than to say realizing I'm asexual has just made me see that I'm not abnormal, I'm not immature, I'm not a 'late bloomer', and that's helped me feel a lot more confident in myself even if the people around me don't really accept it and tell me that 'I just need to have sex or I can't say I don't like it'.
So...yeah.