Glee-Fic: Undisclosed Desires, Chapter Ten (Finn/Kurt/Blaine)
Title:Undisclosed Desires
Author: AoiTsukikage
Rating: R for now
Characters/Pairing: Finn/Kurt/Blaine, in all combinations.
Chapter: 10/?
Word Count: 2274
Spoilers: Let's say everything to be safe :)
Summary/Warnings: From a tumblr prompt. Blaine and Kurt are both having secret affairs with Finn while trying to keep their own relationship from falling apart. But not everything is as simple as it seems, and nothing can stay secret for long.
Undisclosed Desires
Chapter Ten
Blaine rings the doorbell, not sure if it’s even connected as his eyes follow the wires into the ceiling of the hallway. It’s cold even inside the apartment building, his breath visible as it fogs in the air before him and he stamps his feet in an effort to keep moving.
This place is a Hell-hole, no two ways around it, but it’s also the only place he could see Kurt coming and, present surroundings notwithstanding, the company’s more than pleasant enough.
…However, he’s quite sure that not-so-savoury customer outside the front door was eyeing him up rather interestedly, and the less time he has to spend here, the better.
He rings the bell again, hearing a tiny squelch from inside like the noise had tried to come out and died halfway, and there’s a groan from inside before the door’s pulled open.
“We thought it’d be you,” Sam sighs, looking sleep-tousled and rumpled, and Blaine gulps and tries to slow his racing heart.
He doesn’t want to have this conversation.
He knows it can only end one way.
“Does he…” Blaine clears his throat, trying to steel himself. “Does he…want to see me?”
“You? Yeah,” Sam shrugs and leans against the doorframe, giving him a tiny smile. “He’s…not too keen on seeing Finn right now, but…”
“I get that,” Blaine admits, shuffling his feet and finally looking up when Sam lays a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You…you’re not…I thought you’d be…”
“Mad at you? Nah,” Sam shrugs, an easy smile on his face as he squeezes Blaine’s arm before letting go. “There’s…more to the story than you know, man. I’ll let Kurt explain it, but I’m not mad at you.”
“Okay,” Blaine shuffles his feet again, Sam moving aside so he can enter the tiny apartment and he sees Kurt at the table, perfectly put-together as he gives Blaine a tiny smile.
“I’m gonna get changed and go out for a run, give you guys some privacy,” Sam decides, obviously feeling the tension in the room as he grabs some clothes from the makeshift closet and heads for the washroom.
There’s utter silence in the building until Sam emerges, grabbing a coat and gloves and taking off, and only then does Kurt clear his throat and meet Blaine’s eyes.
“So,” he starts, biting his lower lip and glancing off to the side, and Blaine wants to go over and comfort him but he knows that’s about the worst thing he could possibly do in that moment.
“So.” Blaine pauses, heaves a huge breath, and starts to explain everything: why they started hooking up, how it was supposed to be purely physical except Finn couldn’t do that anymore, that it had been one of the only things keeping him sane, that the night he’d almost killed himself it was because Finn had told him no in order to stay faithful to Jade, that last night was the first time they’d kissed and actually acted like lovers instead of somebody’s hook-up. His throat is dry when he finishes, breathing harsh and the air doesn’t feel like it’s entering his body the way it should, and Kurt’s crying.
“I…” he starts, shaking his head and clenching his hands into fists before opening them, laying his palms flat on the table as he looks straight at Blaine, guilt and disbelief and so many emotions swirling through his eyes that Blaine just wants to take all of the pain away but…
But he’s the cause of most of it, isn’t he?
“I…I have something to tell you,” Kurt shivers, entire body shaking enough that Blaine can see, and suddenly he knows.
“F-Finn and I…we…you’re not the only one who…”
“I know,” Blaine’s almost amazed at how calm he sounds, how utterly expressionless, and Kurt gapes at him for a few seconds before blinking rapidly.
“You…you know…”
“I just figured it out, but maybe I should have known all along,” Blaine sighs and realizes that he’s not mad. He can’t be, really, considering what he’s done, and everything’s so screwed up right now but this might be the one thing that makes sense. Kurt and Finn. They’ve always had something between them, a spark just needing a flame to light it, and with all the time they had to have spent in the condo while Blaine was still in Lima and Rachel was at rehearsals, it was really no wonder it finally lit.
It hurts a little, yes, but he’s not mad.
“I just…how long? When did you stop?”
“When he started dating Jade,” Kurt admits with a tiny, rueful smile. “It wasn’t all the time, or even that often, but in the year you were gone we…it was comfortable. It’s always comfortable with him, and not that it isn’t with you, but he’s…”
“Bigger,” Blaine guesses, because he knows Kurt likes to be wrapped up completely and he’ll never be able to do that.
“We didn’t kiss, either,” Kurt huffs a breath, blowing a stray hair out of his eyes as he taps his fingernails on the tabletop. “We just…the first time we did, and then we decided it was too personal, somehow, even though what we’ve done since is a lot more personal. But when he started dating Jade he told me that he wanted to do it right this time and maybe we should stop being intimate, and I agreed, knowing it was better for both of our relationships if it stopped altogether.
“That’s partly why it hurt so much to see you two…so close, and so loving, and…” Kurt sniffs again, his voice choked and thick with tears and Blaine reaches on instinct to grab his hand, pleased when Kurt doesn’t shake him off. “I thought that…if you and he had been doing this for a while, then why would he be back with you and not with me? And I felt used, and worthless, and it’s horribly foolish of me because I was cheating too but for some…” he stops and bends forward, shoulders shaking as Blaine finally gives in to his own urges and crosses around the table, kneeling beside Kurt and taking both of his hands.
“It was the first time. I pushed for it. I swear, Kurt, I’d never…”
“But you did,” Kurt doesn’t say it maliciously but the words still cut to the bone. “You did, and I did, and he did especially.”
“Which I still can’t figure out,” Blaine admits, narrowing his eyes. “Finn isn’t the type of guy you’d go to with your most trusted secrets, so how could he have kept it from both of us and not looked guilty for so long? It doesn’t add up.”
“Because Finn’s primary goal in life is making people happy. By being with us, he made us happy,” Kurt has a wistful smile on his face and Blaine’s willing to bet he’s much the same. Yes, he’d asked Finn to hurt him and use him, but Finn never did…not really…and the one time he’d admitted to being hurt Finn had wrapped him up and held him and let him be, and really that’s all Blaine could ever ask for. “If either of us would have found out about the other, we would have been unhappy. As far as he’s concerned, that’s all he needs.”
And to Blaine that logic, as childish as it might seem at first, makes a frightening amount of sense and it makes his heart ache a little to know that of course Finn would feel guilt but he thought Blaine and Kurt’s happiness was bigger than that.
“Not that I want to see him,” Kurt’s voice breaks the silence and Blaine looks up at him. “But where is he?”
“I couldn’t say. I told him to leave last night,” Blaine whispers and Kurt heaves a sigh, breathing out slowly through his nose and combing his hands through Blaine’s hair.
“So you stayed at the condo alone?”
“Yeah. There wasn’t any alcohol,” Blaine adds quickly because he knows Kurt’ll be concerned about that, but Kurt’s eyes are dark and he’s touching Blaine a little more desperately, as if to make sure he’s really there.
“Alcohol’s not the only thing I’m worried about,” Kurt breathes quietly, eyes wide with fear, and Blaine knows he owes him the truth.
“I thought about…” Blaine’s eyes flicker around, not wanting to see the disappointment he knew would be in Kurt’s own as he swallows. “Painkillers. I did. But I didn’t, Kurt, I realize that…that I’ve got too much to live for, and until this…until we’re okay again, I can’t just throw my life away…” he stops as Kurt pulls him in, legs spreading as Blaine leans against his thigh and it’s awkward and intimate and Blaine closes his eyes and just feels.
“I love you,” Kurt murmurs into his hair and Blaine can feel wetness on his forehead, tears falling from Kurt’s eyes as he sobs. “I love you so much, Blaine. How can you…”
“I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I won’t,” Blaine promises, fingers tightening around Kurt’s as he feels tears prick his own eyes an angrily blinks them away.
He doesn’t deserve to cry.
“C’mere,” Kurt pulls him up and into his lap, the plastic chair creaking ominously as Blaine drapes his arms around Kurt’s neck and exhales shakily.
“Where do we go from here, Kurt?” Blaine asks cautiously, because he has a feeling he knows where this is going and he’s not going to like it. Kurt looks up at him and kisses him softly, the touch of his lips far too much like a goodbye for Blaine’s liking.
“You know.”
“We…is this…is this it?” Blaine’s voice cracks and he does cry now because he can’t help it. Kurt’s his first boyfriend, his first love, his first everything and he can’t give that up.
“No,” Kurt shakes his head. “We’re not breaking up. We’re just…taking a break. Until we figure out what we really want and if we can move forward from this. We’ve never broken up before,” Kurt says it almost like a revelation, tilting his head to the side. “Maybe it’s time to step back. We were friends long before we were boyfriends, and I think maybe it’s time we re-learn why we changed our relationship in the first place.”
And Blaine has to admit that this makes an awful lot of sense, nodding shortly because no matter how hard it will be, he does agree. “Take a chance and don’t ever look back, right?”
“Right,” Kurt laughs and rests their foreheads together, both of them quietly breathing in sync for a while. “I’m going to stay here for a couple of days, and maybe then I’ll be ready to talk to Finn. I am, however, mourning the fact that this place has neither my wardrobe nor my facial products,” he sighs dramatically and Blaine smiles and leans in to kiss him before remembering that no, they can’t do that, but Kurt obliges him regardless, deepening the kiss for a moment before pulling away.
“I could bring some stuff over for you. You…” Blaine pauses, one hand stroking Kurt’s chest almost convulsively. “You are coming back, right?”
“Blaine Anderson!” Kurt sounds nearly scandalized, mouth dropping open. “Do you think I could live long-term in a place such as this?”
Good old Kurt, Blaine thinks, but one more thing is niggling at his brain and he voices it cautiously. “Kurt, you do realize we’d…be sharing a bed…”
“We shared a bed before we started dating. I don’t expect you to remember but you were drunk, but the fact remains that I can share a bed with you and control myself. We’ll be fine,” he promises and Blaine can only believe him; believe that somehow this is all going to turn out all right. “Now, I need some coffee desperately and I think there’s a semi-decent place around the corner. You want anything?”
“I’m fine,” Blaine gets off of his...friend’s…lap and stands up, clasping his hands and giving Kurt a hopefully reassuring smile as Kurt stands and exits the room, the door closing behind him sounding far too final but Blaine doesn’t feel the soul-crushing despair he’d feared.
He feels…almost hopeful that they can work it out.
Somehow.
The door opens soon after and Sam comes in, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and gulping about half of it back before sighing and sitting at the table, taking one look at Blaine before saying, “So talk.”
Blaine does, the words spilling out of him before he can stop them, but when he’s done he realizes he’s got a smile on his face and it feels almost strange to be smiling after he’d just effectively kind-of broken up with the man he’s in love with, but for once everything is out in the open and there’s no more secrets.
They can move forward.
“You’ll be fine,” Sam promises, grinning, sweat-soaked hair stuck to his forehead as he shakes his head and musses it even more. “Trust me, man. I went through three girlfriends in a year, after all, and I can tell that you and Kurt aren’t like that. You guys’re gonna make it.”
“Thank you,” Blaine reaches out his hand, not sure what he’s asking for because he and Sam haven’t always seen eye-to-eye, but Sam clasps it tightly in his own and keeps grinning at him and Blaine eventually gives up and laughs shortly, the feeling freeing and oh-so-wonderful. “I know we’ll be fine, too.”
They will be.
If they can make it through this, they can make it through anything.
He’s certain of that.
Previous Chapter
Next Chapter
Notes:
1. I feel like this chapter is too much talking, but I think there was a lot that needed to be said and I think it ended on a more hopeful note than many of the previous chapters, so I suppose that’s a good thing?
2. Thank you all again for all of the wonderful feedback and comments; they mean so much to me!
Author: AoiTsukikage
Rating: R for now
Characters/Pairing: Finn/Kurt/Blaine, in all combinations.
Chapter: 10/?
Word Count: 2274
Spoilers: Let's say everything to be safe :)
Summary/Warnings: From a tumblr prompt. Blaine and Kurt are both having secret affairs with Finn while trying to keep their own relationship from falling apart. But not everything is as simple as it seems, and nothing can stay secret for long.
Undisclosed Desires
Chapter Ten
Blaine rings the doorbell, not sure if it’s even connected as his eyes follow the wires into the ceiling of the hallway. It’s cold even inside the apartment building, his breath visible as it fogs in the air before him and he stamps his feet in an effort to keep moving.
This place is a Hell-hole, no two ways around it, but it’s also the only place he could see Kurt coming and, present surroundings notwithstanding, the company’s more than pleasant enough.
…However, he’s quite sure that not-so-savoury customer outside the front door was eyeing him up rather interestedly, and the less time he has to spend here, the better.
He rings the bell again, hearing a tiny squelch from inside like the noise had tried to come out and died halfway, and there’s a groan from inside before the door’s pulled open.
“We thought it’d be you,” Sam sighs, looking sleep-tousled and rumpled, and Blaine gulps and tries to slow his racing heart.
He doesn’t want to have this conversation.
He knows it can only end one way.
“Does he…” Blaine clears his throat, trying to steel himself. “Does he…want to see me?”
“You? Yeah,” Sam shrugs and leans against the doorframe, giving him a tiny smile. “He’s…not too keen on seeing Finn right now, but…”
“I get that,” Blaine admits, shuffling his feet and finally looking up when Sam lays a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You…you’re not…I thought you’d be…”
“Mad at you? Nah,” Sam shrugs, an easy smile on his face as he squeezes Blaine’s arm before letting go. “There’s…more to the story than you know, man. I’ll let Kurt explain it, but I’m not mad at you.”
“Okay,” Blaine shuffles his feet again, Sam moving aside so he can enter the tiny apartment and he sees Kurt at the table, perfectly put-together as he gives Blaine a tiny smile.
“I’m gonna get changed and go out for a run, give you guys some privacy,” Sam decides, obviously feeling the tension in the room as he grabs some clothes from the makeshift closet and heads for the washroom.
There’s utter silence in the building until Sam emerges, grabbing a coat and gloves and taking off, and only then does Kurt clear his throat and meet Blaine’s eyes.
“So,” he starts, biting his lower lip and glancing off to the side, and Blaine wants to go over and comfort him but he knows that’s about the worst thing he could possibly do in that moment.
“So.” Blaine pauses, heaves a huge breath, and starts to explain everything: why they started hooking up, how it was supposed to be purely physical except Finn couldn’t do that anymore, that it had been one of the only things keeping him sane, that the night he’d almost killed himself it was because Finn had told him no in order to stay faithful to Jade, that last night was the first time they’d kissed and actually acted like lovers instead of somebody’s hook-up. His throat is dry when he finishes, breathing harsh and the air doesn’t feel like it’s entering his body the way it should, and Kurt’s crying.
“I…” he starts, shaking his head and clenching his hands into fists before opening them, laying his palms flat on the table as he looks straight at Blaine, guilt and disbelief and so many emotions swirling through his eyes that Blaine just wants to take all of the pain away but…
But he’s the cause of most of it, isn’t he?
“I…I have something to tell you,” Kurt shivers, entire body shaking enough that Blaine can see, and suddenly he knows.
“F-Finn and I…we…you’re not the only one who…”
“I know,” Blaine’s almost amazed at how calm he sounds, how utterly expressionless, and Kurt gapes at him for a few seconds before blinking rapidly.
“You…you know…”
“I just figured it out, but maybe I should have known all along,” Blaine sighs and realizes that he’s not mad. He can’t be, really, considering what he’s done, and everything’s so screwed up right now but this might be the one thing that makes sense. Kurt and Finn. They’ve always had something between them, a spark just needing a flame to light it, and with all the time they had to have spent in the condo while Blaine was still in Lima and Rachel was at rehearsals, it was really no wonder it finally lit.
It hurts a little, yes, but he’s not mad.
“I just…how long? When did you stop?”
“When he started dating Jade,” Kurt admits with a tiny, rueful smile. “It wasn’t all the time, or even that often, but in the year you were gone we…it was comfortable. It’s always comfortable with him, and not that it isn’t with you, but he’s…”
“Bigger,” Blaine guesses, because he knows Kurt likes to be wrapped up completely and he’ll never be able to do that.
“We didn’t kiss, either,” Kurt huffs a breath, blowing a stray hair out of his eyes as he taps his fingernails on the tabletop. “We just…the first time we did, and then we decided it was too personal, somehow, even though what we’ve done since is a lot more personal. But when he started dating Jade he told me that he wanted to do it right this time and maybe we should stop being intimate, and I agreed, knowing it was better for both of our relationships if it stopped altogether.
“That’s partly why it hurt so much to see you two…so close, and so loving, and…” Kurt sniffs again, his voice choked and thick with tears and Blaine reaches on instinct to grab his hand, pleased when Kurt doesn’t shake him off. “I thought that…if you and he had been doing this for a while, then why would he be back with you and not with me? And I felt used, and worthless, and it’s horribly foolish of me because I was cheating too but for some…” he stops and bends forward, shoulders shaking as Blaine finally gives in to his own urges and crosses around the table, kneeling beside Kurt and taking both of his hands.
“It was the first time. I pushed for it. I swear, Kurt, I’d never…”
“But you did,” Kurt doesn’t say it maliciously but the words still cut to the bone. “You did, and I did, and he did especially.”
“Which I still can’t figure out,” Blaine admits, narrowing his eyes. “Finn isn’t the type of guy you’d go to with your most trusted secrets, so how could he have kept it from both of us and not looked guilty for so long? It doesn’t add up.”
“Because Finn’s primary goal in life is making people happy. By being with us, he made us happy,” Kurt has a wistful smile on his face and Blaine’s willing to bet he’s much the same. Yes, he’d asked Finn to hurt him and use him, but Finn never did…not really…and the one time he’d admitted to being hurt Finn had wrapped him up and held him and let him be, and really that’s all Blaine could ever ask for. “If either of us would have found out about the other, we would have been unhappy. As far as he’s concerned, that’s all he needs.”
And to Blaine that logic, as childish as it might seem at first, makes a frightening amount of sense and it makes his heart ache a little to know that of course Finn would feel guilt but he thought Blaine and Kurt’s happiness was bigger than that.
“Not that I want to see him,” Kurt’s voice breaks the silence and Blaine looks up at him. “But where is he?”
“I couldn’t say. I told him to leave last night,” Blaine whispers and Kurt heaves a sigh, breathing out slowly through his nose and combing his hands through Blaine’s hair.
“So you stayed at the condo alone?”
“Yeah. There wasn’t any alcohol,” Blaine adds quickly because he knows Kurt’ll be concerned about that, but Kurt’s eyes are dark and he’s touching Blaine a little more desperately, as if to make sure he’s really there.
“Alcohol’s not the only thing I’m worried about,” Kurt breathes quietly, eyes wide with fear, and Blaine knows he owes him the truth.
“I thought about…” Blaine’s eyes flicker around, not wanting to see the disappointment he knew would be in Kurt’s own as he swallows. “Painkillers. I did. But I didn’t, Kurt, I realize that…that I’ve got too much to live for, and until this…until we’re okay again, I can’t just throw my life away…” he stops as Kurt pulls him in, legs spreading as Blaine leans against his thigh and it’s awkward and intimate and Blaine closes his eyes and just feels.
“I love you,” Kurt murmurs into his hair and Blaine can feel wetness on his forehead, tears falling from Kurt’s eyes as he sobs. “I love you so much, Blaine. How can you…”
“I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I won’t,” Blaine promises, fingers tightening around Kurt’s as he feels tears prick his own eyes an angrily blinks them away.
He doesn’t deserve to cry.
“C’mere,” Kurt pulls him up and into his lap, the plastic chair creaking ominously as Blaine drapes his arms around Kurt’s neck and exhales shakily.
“Where do we go from here, Kurt?” Blaine asks cautiously, because he has a feeling he knows where this is going and he’s not going to like it. Kurt looks up at him and kisses him softly, the touch of his lips far too much like a goodbye for Blaine’s liking.
“You know.”
“We…is this…is this it?” Blaine’s voice cracks and he does cry now because he can’t help it. Kurt’s his first boyfriend, his first love, his first everything and he can’t give that up.
“No,” Kurt shakes his head. “We’re not breaking up. We’re just…taking a break. Until we figure out what we really want and if we can move forward from this. We’ve never broken up before,” Kurt says it almost like a revelation, tilting his head to the side. “Maybe it’s time to step back. We were friends long before we were boyfriends, and I think maybe it’s time we re-learn why we changed our relationship in the first place.”
And Blaine has to admit that this makes an awful lot of sense, nodding shortly because no matter how hard it will be, he does agree. “Take a chance and don’t ever look back, right?”
“Right,” Kurt laughs and rests their foreheads together, both of them quietly breathing in sync for a while. “I’m going to stay here for a couple of days, and maybe then I’ll be ready to talk to Finn. I am, however, mourning the fact that this place has neither my wardrobe nor my facial products,” he sighs dramatically and Blaine smiles and leans in to kiss him before remembering that no, they can’t do that, but Kurt obliges him regardless, deepening the kiss for a moment before pulling away.
“I could bring some stuff over for you. You…” Blaine pauses, one hand stroking Kurt’s chest almost convulsively. “You are coming back, right?”
“Blaine Anderson!” Kurt sounds nearly scandalized, mouth dropping open. “Do you think I could live long-term in a place such as this?”
Good old Kurt, Blaine thinks, but one more thing is niggling at his brain and he voices it cautiously. “Kurt, you do realize we’d…be sharing a bed…”
“We shared a bed before we started dating. I don’t expect you to remember but you were drunk, but the fact remains that I can share a bed with you and control myself. We’ll be fine,” he promises and Blaine can only believe him; believe that somehow this is all going to turn out all right. “Now, I need some coffee desperately and I think there’s a semi-decent place around the corner. You want anything?”
“I’m fine,” Blaine gets off of his...friend’s…lap and stands up, clasping his hands and giving Kurt a hopefully reassuring smile as Kurt stands and exits the room, the door closing behind him sounding far too final but Blaine doesn’t feel the soul-crushing despair he’d feared.
He feels…almost hopeful that they can work it out.
Somehow.
The door opens soon after and Sam comes in, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and gulping about half of it back before sighing and sitting at the table, taking one look at Blaine before saying, “So talk.”
Blaine does, the words spilling out of him before he can stop them, but when he’s done he realizes he’s got a smile on his face and it feels almost strange to be smiling after he’d just effectively kind-of broken up with the man he’s in love with, but for once everything is out in the open and there’s no more secrets.
They can move forward.
“You’ll be fine,” Sam promises, grinning, sweat-soaked hair stuck to his forehead as he shakes his head and musses it even more. “Trust me, man. I went through three girlfriends in a year, after all, and I can tell that you and Kurt aren’t like that. You guys’re gonna make it.”
“Thank you,” Blaine reaches out his hand, not sure what he’s asking for because he and Sam haven’t always seen eye-to-eye, but Sam clasps it tightly in his own and keeps grinning at him and Blaine eventually gives up and laughs shortly, the feeling freeing and oh-so-wonderful. “I know we’ll be fine, too.”
They will be.
If they can make it through this, they can make it through anything.
He’s certain of that.
Previous Chapter
Next Chapter
Notes:
1. I feel like this chapter is too much talking, but I think there was a lot that needed to be said and I think it ended on a more hopeful note than many of the previous chapters, so I suppose that’s a good thing?
2. Thank you all again for all of the wonderful feedback and comments; they mean so much to me!