...Tell Me Goodbye...
Title: Tell Me Goodbye (songfic)
Pairing: TaNakamaru
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, romance, tragedy
Warning: Character death
Disclaimer: You know how it goes… pft.
Summary: They love each other but sacrifices must be made. For better explanation, refer to THIS Big Bang song.
“This is not working… It would be best if we stop seeing each other. I’m letting you go.” You told him. He stood there, just blinking. You swallowed the lump in your throat. With those days that you didn’t see each other, you thought about all the fallbacks of keeping the relationship. You loved him more than yourself and you know that this is the best for him.
“Koki…” He started as he walked closer, trying to read your glassy eyes. “Did something happen? Let’s talk it out.” He tried to persuade you feeling that there’s something happening that he didn’t know because he won’t just let your happy relationship break in a single blink of an eye without knowing the real reason why.
You stepped backwards as he got closer, your head hanging low not giving him the chance to see through you.
“I’m sorry Yucchi. But it’s best if we end this now.” You told him once again and your voice shook at each word that fell from your pale lips.
He reached out his hand to touch you but just before you could feel his fingertips against your skin, you felt that excruciating pain in your head again. You froze and tried your best to suppress a scream and in return, your whole vision turned pitch black. Little did you know that your body just fell limply on the floor.
He gasped in surprise before realizing that you were unconscious and he immediately called an ambulance, crying in panic.
~**~
“It’s just a migraine… I’ve been stressed lately.” You said convincingly. You have asked your doctor to keep your condition a secret for fear of causing worry to your loved ones, most especially to him.
“You better take a lot of rest then.” His voice was as sweet as it always had been. He stayed with you all day, canceling all his plans to be able to watch over you. Your heart hurt more than your head.
“Arigatou.” You murmured but knew he deserved more than just that word.
He smiled and sat beside you, wiping the curly strands of hair on your forehead. He leaned forward to kiss you and you closed your eyes almost ready to receive it but you turned your head away at the last second.
He sat back with sad eyes. “Ja, you must be really exhausted.” He concluded and tucked you under the blanket. “Sleep some more. I’ll wake you up for later for your medicine.”
You didn’t reply and pretended to fall asleep. You waited for a while before opening your eyes again. You saw him on the small couch, trying to get some sleep too but you didn’t miss that lone tear that rolled down his cheek. You hated yourself more.
~**~
“No… there’s nothing to fix.” You insist again. There was nothing broken in the first place. Your love for each other was still there just as much as before, maybe flowing even more day by day. “Please just forget me. Forget everything we had.” You said bitterly, it would hurt him more if you stay together.
“But this is unfair! You want to break up but you couldn’t give me a good reason.” He punched your chest weakly, as all his strength had drained from crying.
You held both of his arms and tried your best not to pull him in your embrace. Instead, you kept him in his place. But you, yourself couldn’t stop your tears. “I’m sorry Yuu-chan… I’m so sorry.”
He stopped struggling and you loosened your grip. “Why?” his trembling voice echoed in your room. “I have given you all of me. I sacrificed a lot just to make you happy. And yet… it’s still not enough?” He looked up at you with the deepest sorrow in his eyes.
You wanted to shake your head, to take back what you said, to tell him that you appreciate even the smallest things he do for you. You slowly opened your mouth, “No… it’s more than enough…” you said truthfully.
He straightened up, feeling a spark glow inside with what you said but you quickly took it back.
“It’s too much Yuichi… Your love is suffocating me.” You can no longer count how many times you lied about your feelings. “You love me too much and I can’t give that back.” You wept inside. You can give as much love back and even more but only if you had that chance. Only if you had a lifetime. But you don’t.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I didn’t know I was suffocating you. I just want to show you my love and to return everything you did for me. I didn’t know I was suffocating you already.”
His words crushed your heart. It should be you who should be sorry for letting go of a great love. But you want to at least see him happy again before you go. Even if he was in someone else’s arms, as long as he’s happy, you’ll have no regrets. You’ve had the best time of your life with him. And all you want are those good memories and his smiling face.
But now, all you see is his pained smile as he comes close to you and caresses your face with his dainty hand. “You know that all I want is your happiness, right? If my love for you is hurting you, then I’ll just set you free. But you’ll always have my heart, Koki… zutto…” he closed his eyes and kissed you. You knew it’s the last kiss and you felt his tears against your cheeks. “Goodbye, Koki.”
You slumped down the floor as his back slowly disappeared. “Then take my heart with you too.” You whispered in the thin air before your own tears started streaming down. Why must this happen? It was perfect, you had nothing more to ask for and all of a sudden it all came crashing down. But you wanted to protect him no matter what. And this is the only thing you can do.
This might cause him pain right now but he’ll be shattered if he knew about your condition and you’d rather let him leave with a broken heart than have him beside you yet all of him broken. You’d never let him know of your misery, it’s only yours to keep.
~**~
You screamed in pain as you received your treatment. You still wondered why you have to undergo this when you already gave up on this battle. You have accepted your fate and your life has long ended when you broke up with the only reason of your existence.
You tried to endure the stinging pain in your body especially in your head. You wished to be numb and just meet death soon. You turned your head and your eyes fell on the glass panel looking outside the treatment room wanting to see something to distract you from all the medical apparatus surrounding you.
Your heart skipped a beat when you saw a familiar face but he was crying again, his hand pressed against the glass as if he wanted to touch you. You never wanted to see him like that… the very reason why you chose to let him go before things got worse. What was he doing there? How did he know? You closed your eyes not wanting to see him in that state; at that moment you lost consciousness too.
~**~
For once you felt the relaxing breeze of the wind again. It has been a while since you went beyond hospital grounds. He gently rubbed your fuzzy head as his other hand kept pushing your wheelchair. “You shaved your hair off again.” He chuckled.
“It can’t be helped… They keep falling out anyway. And I’ll lose all of them soon.” You cannot remember when your voice had gotten so hallow.
He stopped pushing and you found yourselves under the shades of a Sakura tree. He walked around and knelt in front of you. “Daijobu… you still look good.” He smiled in assurance.
You smiled back, albeit sadly. You still can’t believe that he found you again after you pushed him away.
“My cousin is a nurse here and told me she’s been seeing you around for the past weeks. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have known why you broke up with me just like that. Don’t do that again ne? I’ll kick your ass if you keep secrets from me again.” As if reading your mind, he explained to you with a smile. He still managed to pull one after crying so hard just to cheer you up.
Holding his hands in yours, you apologized for what you did. But you still remained firm with your decision. You can’t bear seeing him by your side trying to be strong just to keep you holding on.
“By the way, I’ve decided to resign from my company. I’ll find a part-time job instead. I would have more time to stay with you then.” His announcement surprised you. He sacrificed yet another important thing for your sake. “You have to keep fighting, okay? This time I would be by your side all the way until you recover.” He squeezed your hands.
You shook your head. You knew he’d be that stubborn to accept your fate. “Yuu-chan, you heard the doctor right? It’s terminal and I don’t have much time.” You tried to make him accept reality like you did.
“We can at least prolong your life with the treatments.” He was really willful, one of the many things you love about him. But right now, it’s not causing any good for the both of you.
“Yuichi…” you started but he cut you off.
“Koki… Can’t you at least fight for me? Live for me… just a little more.”
You could see teardrops on your lap. You bent down to kiss his head and inhaled the sweet smell of his hair one last time. “I have been Yucchi. I have been living all my life for you.” You said truthfully and you couldn’t hold back your own tears.
“Then don’t give up. I am not going anywhere until Kami-sama takes you back.” He pulled back, looking in your eyes with determination.
At that moment, you almost gave in. How could you refuse this man? The only person who has loved you and keeps on loving you unconditionally. But you remembered why you were doing this. “No… Yuichi, you deserve more than that. You have your own life to live. Your own life to cherish.”
“I live for you too, Koki. If I give up on things, that’s because I choose you and I don’t regret that.” Your heart ached again as he cried. How many tears has he cried out because of you? You want these tears to be the last he’ll ever shed for you.
“Then what would you when I’m gone? How can I go in peace knowing I’ll leave you behind like this? Yuichi, I want you to go on now. Pick yourself up while I’m still here.”
He shook his head fervently. “Don’t do this, please. I want to be by your side until that time.” He begged you.
You wiped his tears away and kissed him. “I love you… So please smile for me and start living a happy life without me. Do it now while I’m still here because I won’t be able to leave unless you give me that peace of mind. I only want to take our happy memories with me. That’s my only wish.” You pulled away and stirred your wheelchair turning your back to him leaving him on his place. You heard him run after you but your remaining strength wasn’t enough to let you go faster.
He blocked your way and he lifted your chin so you can look at his face. He was smiling despite the tears. “Here is your smile, Koki.” He kissed you and went behind you again to hug you tight. “I love you… I’ll start a new life but I’ll always love you.” His voice was shaking and that must be why he went behind you so that you won’t see his pain.
“I love you too. So don’t cry for me anymore and just tell me goodbye.”
He nodded and breathed in deeply before whispering in your ears. “Now don’t look back…” a kiss on your head, “Goodbye, Koki.” He released you from his hug and you stirred your wheelchair forward. Your head was aching again but you must bear it until you make it inside where he won’t see you.
The wind blew and pink petals showered and paved your way. You could hear him sobbing but you kept going further. It was best to never look back. You knew that it was really the end, his last words giving you peace. His smile imprinted on your mind and heart and you’ll bring it in your afterlife.
___OWARI___
A/N: I still feel guilty that I wasn't able to make something for Yucchi on his birthday. Anyway, I made this sad fic a few weeks ago. I hope it make up for my fail somehow.
Pairing: TaNakamaru
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, romance, tragedy
Warning: Character death
Disclaimer: You know how it goes… pft.
Summary: They love each other but sacrifices must be made. For better explanation, refer to THIS Big Bang song.
“This is not working… It would be best if we stop seeing each other. I’m letting you go.” You told him. He stood there, just blinking. You swallowed the lump in your throat. With those days that you didn’t see each other, you thought about all the fallbacks of keeping the relationship. You loved him more than yourself and you know that this is the best for him.
“Koki…” He started as he walked closer, trying to read your glassy eyes. “Did something happen? Let’s talk it out.” He tried to persuade you feeling that there’s something happening that he didn’t know because he won’t just let your happy relationship break in a single blink of an eye without knowing the real reason why.
You stepped backwards as he got closer, your head hanging low not giving him the chance to see through you.
“I’m sorry Yucchi. But it’s best if we end this now.” You told him once again and your voice shook at each word that fell from your pale lips.
He reached out his hand to touch you but just before you could feel his fingertips against your skin, you felt that excruciating pain in your head again. You froze and tried your best to suppress a scream and in return, your whole vision turned pitch black. Little did you know that your body just fell limply on the floor.
He gasped in surprise before realizing that you were unconscious and he immediately called an ambulance, crying in panic.
~**~
“It’s just a migraine… I’ve been stressed lately.” You said convincingly. You have asked your doctor to keep your condition a secret for fear of causing worry to your loved ones, most especially to him.
“You better take a lot of rest then.” His voice was as sweet as it always had been. He stayed with you all day, canceling all his plans to be able to watch over you. Your heart hurt more than your head.
“Arigatou.” You murmured but knew he deserved more than just that word.
He smiled and sat beside you, wiping the curly strands of hair on your forehead. He leaned forward to kiss you and you closed your eyes almost ready to receive it but you turned your head away at the last second.
He sat back with sad eyes. “Ja, you must be really exhausted.” He concluded and tucked you under the blanket. “Sleep some more. I’ll wake you up for later for your medicine.”
You didn’t reply and pretended to fall asleep. You waited for a while before opening your eyes again. You saw him on the small couch, trying to get some sleep too but you didn’t miss that lone tear that rolled down his cheek. You hated yourself more.
~**~
“No… there’s nothing to fix.” You insist again. There was nothing broken in the first place. Your love for each other was still there just as much as before, maybe flowing even more day by day. “Please just forget me. Forget everything we had.” You said bitterly, it would hurt him more if you stay together.
“But this is unfair! You want to break up but you couldn’t give me a good reason.” He punched your chest weakly, as all his strength had drained from crying.
You held both of his arms and tried your best not to pull him in your embrace. Instead, you kept him in his place. But you, yourself couldn’t stop your tears. “I’m sorry Yuu-chan… I’m so sorry.”
He stopped struggling and you loosened your grip. “Why?” his trembling voice echoed in your room. “I have given you all of me. I sacrificed a lot just to make you happy. And yet… it’s still not enough?” He looked up at you with the deepest sorrow in his eyes.
You wanted to shake your head, to take back what you said, to tell him that you appreciate even the smallest things he do for you. You slowly opened your mouth, “No… it’s more than enough…” you said truthfully.
He straightened up, feeling a spark glow inside with what you said but you quickly took it back.
“It’s too much Yuichi… Your love is suffocating me.” You can no longer count how many times you lied about your feelings. “You love me too much and I can’t give that back.” You wept inside. You can give as much love back and even more but only if you had that chance. Only if you had a lifetime. But you don’t.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I didn’t know I was suffocating you. I just want to show you my love and to return everything you did for me. I didn’t know I was suffocating you already.”
His words crushed your heart. It should be you who should be sorry for letting go of a great love. But you want to at least see him happy again before you go. Even if he was in someone else’s arms, as long as he’s happy, you’ll have no regrets. You’ve had the best time of your life with him. And all you want are those good memories and his smiling face.
But now, all you see is his pained smile as he comes close to you and caresses your face with his dainty hand. “You know that all I want is your happiness, right? If my love for you is hurting you, then I’ll just set you free. But you’ll always have my heart, Koki… zutto…” he closed his eyes and kissed you. You knew it’s the last kiss and you felt his tears against your cheeks. “Goodbye, Koki.”
You slumped down the floor as his back slowly disappeared. “Then take my heart with you too.” You whispered in the thin air before your own tears started streaming down. Why must this happen? It was perfect, you had nothing more to ask for and all of a sudden it all came crashing down. But you wanted to protect him no matter what. And this is the only thing you can do.
This might cause him pain right now but he’ll be shattered if he knew about your condition and you’d rather let him leave with a broken heart than have him beside you yet all of him broken. You’d never let him know of your misery, it’s only yours to keep.
~**~
You screamed in pain as you received your treatment. You still wondered why you have to undergo this when you already gave up on this battle. You have accepted your fate and your life has long ended when you broke up with the only reason of your existence.
You tried to endure the stinging pain in your body especially in your head. You wished to be numb and just meet death soon. You turned your head and your eyes fell on the glass panel looking outside the treatment room wanting to see something to distract you from all the medical apparatus surrounding you.
Your heart skipped a beat when you saw a familiar face but he was crying again, his hand pressed against the glass as if he wanted to touch you. You never wanted to see him like that… the very reason why you chose to let him go before things got worse. What was he doing there? How did he know? You closed your eyes not wanting to see him in that state; at that moment you lost consciousness too.
~**~
For once you felt the relaxing breeze of the wind again. It has been a while since you went beyond hospital grounds. He gently rubbed your fuzzy head as his other hand kept pushing your wheelchair. “You shaved your hair off again.” He chuckled.
“It can’t be helped… They keep falling out anyway. And I’ll lose all of them soon.” You cannot remember when your voice had gotten so hallow.
He stopped pushing and you found yourselves under the shades of a Sakura tree. He walked around and knelt in front of you. “Daijobu… you still look good.” He smiled in assurance.
You smiled back, albeit sadly. You still can’t believe that he found you again after you pushed him away.
“My cousin is a nurse here and told me she’s been seeing you around for the past weeks. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have known why you broke up with me just like that. Don’t do that again ne? I’ll kick your ass if you keep secrets from me again.” As if reading your mind, he explained to you with a smile. He still managed to pull one after crying so hard just to cheer you up.
Holding his hands in yours, you apologized for what you did. But you still remained firm with your decision. You can’t bear seeing him by your side trying to be strong just to keep you holding on.
“By the way, I’ve decided to resign from my company. I’ll find a part-time job instead. I would have more time to stay with you then.” His announcement surprised you. He sacrificed yet another important thing for your sake. “You have to keep fighting, okay? This time I would be by your side all the way until you recover.” He squeezed your hands.
You shook your head. You knew he’d be that stubborn to accept your fate. “Yuu-chan, you heard the doctor right? It’s terminal and I don’t have much time.” You tried to make him accept reality like you did.
“We can at least prolong your life with the treatments.” He was really willful, one of the many things you love about him. But right now, it’s not causing any good for the both of you.
“Yuichi…” you started but he cut you off.
“Koki… Can’t you at least fight for me? Live for me… just a little more.”
You could see teardrops on your lap. You bent down to kiss his head and inhaled the sweet smell of his hair one last time. “I have been Yucchi. I have been living all my life for you.” You said truthfully and you couldn’t hold back your own tears.
“Then don’t give up. I am not going anywhere until Kami-sama takes you back.” He pulled back, looking in your eyes with determination.
At that moment, you almost gave in. How could you refuse this man? The only person who has loved you and keeps on loving you unconditionally. But you remembered why you were doing this. “No… Yuichi, you deserve more than that. You have your own life to live. Your own life to cherish.”
“I live for you too, Koki. If I give up on things, that’s because I choose you and I don’t regret that.” Your heart ached again as he cried. How many tears has he cried out because of you? You want these tears to be the last he’ll ever shed for you.
“Then what would you when I’m gone? How can I go in peace knowing I’ll leave you behind like this? Yuichi, I want you to go on now. Pick yourself up while I’m still here.”
He shook his head fervently. “Don’t do this, please. I want to be by your side until that time.” He begged you.
You wiped his tears away and kissed him. “I love you… So please smile for me and start living a happy life without me. Do it now while I’m still here because I won’t be able to leave unless you give me that peace of mind. I only want to take our happy memories with me. That’s my only wish.” You pulled away and stirred your wheelchair turning your back to him leaving him on his place. You heard him run after you but your remaining strength wasn’t enough to let you go faster.
He blocked your way and he lifted your chin so you can look at his face. He was smiling despite the tears. “Here is your smile, Koki.” He kissed you and went behind you again to hug you tight. “I love you… I’ll start a new life but I’ll always love you.” His voice was shaking and that must be why he went behind you so that you won’t see his pain.
“I love you too. So don’t cry for me anymore and just tell me goodbye.”
He nodded and breathed in deeply before whispering in your ears. “Now don’t look back…” a kiss on your head, “Goodbye, Koki.” He released you from his hug and you stirred your wheelchair forward. Your head was aching again but you must bear it until you make it inside where he won’t see you.
The wind blew and pink petals showered and paved your way. You could hear him sobbing but you kept going further. It was best to never look back. You knew that it was really the end, his last words giving you peace. His smile imprinted on your mind and heart and you’ll bring it in your afterlife.
___OWARI___
A/N: I still feel guilty that I wasn't able to make something for Yucchi on his birthday. Anyway, I made this sad fic a few weeks ago. I hope it make up for my fail somehow.