Ah, the hell with it. Don't read; just don't bother.
While I could be posting about what happened during sem break, I choose not to. I'm just in such a trivial state right now... I guess happy memories can wait for another day, but upsetting thoughts can't.
If I had as many fingers as people who commented that I've changed, I'd be a total freak. I just got another one last night. And although I've accepted the way I am, though it's the person I never wanted to be as I've just realized, it sorta stuck.
I've been harboring so much hatred that it's too much, and with the smallest of reason, or none at all. Because of this, I feel like I've tightened chains around my heart multiple times. Sure, when I take it all out and tell the person how I really feel, they loosen. But somehow they go about a bit more, and it just gets heavy. I don't hold grudges often, and I'm slow to hatred, but when I do it's deadly, and no matter how much I would say otherwise, it hurts the other person more than me. I get it later. It's like how I'm annoyed with my maid [although she should just die and rot in hell], or with my seatmate who I think is getting a big head, or my new friend who just asks me about academics all the time and we haven't exactly "talked". If we have it's always one-sided.
I have so much hate in me, that I'm beginning to hate myself. I hate how I'm insensitive, and how I can't hold something I say, or whatever. I hate how I can lie without realizing it, and how I'm such a hypocrite. I hate how I'm having standards with people somehow, which is so very wrong. And I hate, most of all, that I'm becoming like my dad, whether I intend to or not [more on the not, though]. Somehow, though, I can't accept that I am, but I know I am.
I'm being contradictory again. I always am. And it's not even funny anymore but just... idiotic. Yes, I know I'm stupid and all, but this just takes the cake.
I don't like how I'm blogging about this. Because it's something I never wanted to do nor experience, and my entries are usually so long, no one bothers to read them. I don't like how I'm being all jumpy over nothing, 'cause nothing really is the matter, nothing really happened to me. At first, I even thought that I was happy and lucky, since I have everything I need and everything was great, and I wouldn't dare exchange my life now for anything. Now, I'm not as sure. Maybe my dad was right in saying that you can't be happy when you have everything. I'm not saying I have everything, just that I'm content. Maybe too content. I've been playing life safe and whatnot. I've been thinking too much, but I never actually had time for myself these couple of days. I need either a longer sem break, or for it to end already. Maybe it's 'cause I have my period, or I've been happy for these past couple of days?
I'm at my happiest when I'm with my friends, or I'm eating something I like, or when I'm with my sister. It's quite depressing when you look at it, actually. The second one, I mean. God's taking them all away though... things have been screwed up for certain people, my braces take away my eating liberty, and my sister's been pissing me off.
I realized that I can't say I've been truly happy, since that was only before when I'm praying, or when I would help people. I haven't done that in a while, actually, helping people. Though I've convinced myself that I was put in this earth for that, and it was my sole purpose. Let's just say, my chances of being a nun are growing by the year... Oh, good God.
I actually don't know what's wrong with me right now. I'm being shallow again. But of course, if you laugh easily, you have to get upset easily, too. It just goes together. I have this theory, though, that it's this symptom for diabetes or something... I think I've had too much candy, but I still don't wanna swim, no matter how much my dad forces me. Alright, I'm screwed.
I need to talk to someone happy on the phone. Sheesh.
[Btw, no XDs and XPs here. Fudge, no emoticons at all even.]