No real update
Just more of the same I guess. I think I'm going to just have to give up any hope of having the natural birth I wanted. We're scheduling the c-section and even though she said that we'll schedule it and maybe the day before try to do a mini-induction (they can't do a full on aggressive one because of my previous c-section) but again, I think she was placating me. Honestly, in her opinion, its not likely to work. And I know she's right. But giving up the hope is just crushing. And no one seems to understand why.
I put it in words to my mom and to Kevin today: Had I been told that the only way I would ever have any more children would be via c-section, Sean would be an only child. The experience was that horrible.
And I'm tired of people saying things like "oh its a piece of cake" or "the second one is much easier" or stupid shit like "hey at least you get to pick the birthday!" or "you get a healthy baby in the end either way" I DONT FUCKING CARE. I didn't even want to have an I.V. and now I'm basically saying, Ok sir.. hack me open and leave me feeling like I got rolled over by a truck for a month! My first birth experience was stolen from me by a doctor with an agenda, and it looks like this one is going to be stolen too.
I don't remember much of Sean's birth except for pain. The pain that made them give me more medication that basically took me out of the whole thing. The stabbing chest pains when they were digging him out that were so shocking I could hardly breathe. I never heard them say what he was until later.. they showed him to me but I don't remember it... I never heard his first cry. I woke up 30 minutes later to them rolling in a machine to look for a towel they couldn't find.
I spent the night feeling trapped in my bed cuz I couldn't move and I was hot and itchy and feeling closed in and I spent the next day wanting to die because I had never in my life felt that kind of pain before.
It took me 3 months to finally feel "ok" last time.
Fuck.
I put it in words to my mom and to Kevin today: Had I been told that the only way I would ever have any more children would be via c-section, Sean would be an only child. The experience was that horrible.
And I'm tired of people saying things like "oh its a piece of cake" or "the second one is much easier" or stupid shit like "hey at least you get to pick the birthday!" or "you get a healthy baby in the end either way" I DONT FUCKING CARE. I didn't even want to have an I.V. and now I'm basically saying, Ok sir.. hack me open and leave me feeling like I got rolled over by a truck for a month! My first birth experience was stolen from me by a doctor with an agenda, and it looks like this one is going to be stolen too.
I don't remember much of Sean's birth except for pain. The pain that made them give me more medication that basically took me out of the whole thing. The stabbing chest pains when they were digging him out that were so shocking I could hardly breathe. I never heard them say what he was until later.. they showed him to me but I don't remember it... I never heard his first cry. I woke up 30 minutes later to them rolling in a machine to look for a towel they couldn't find.
I spent the night feeling trapped in my bed cuz I couldn't move and I was hot and itchy and feeling closed in and I spent the next day wanting to die because I had never in my life felt that kind of pain before.
It took me 3 months to finally feel "ok" last time.
Fuck.