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So on January 7, 2007 I broke a promise that I made to myself March of 2004. I promised myself that I would never live in my parents house again. In the last 2 months the following has happened, and I need to tell everything in order for everyone to understand what it took for me to break this promise. My husband Paul, cheated on me with Kari. Kari was my girlfriend... I have no problems with her. She is the 16 year old version of me. He is in love with her. He treats her the way that he should have treated me. So on our 2 1/2 year which was christmas exactly, I told him I wanted a divorce for christmas. I have moved 4 times in the last month. Nobody wants me. And when I say that I mean it in that when shit hits the fan and you have nothing, you know who your true friends are. They are the ones who want you no matter what you have. And I have nothing.
Paul has lied, which I always called him on. He has deceived. His heart is black. He is in love with himself. The things that he has forced me to do. He robbed me of my innocense. The things that he has done to me. I forgive myself for putting myself through what he has done to me in the last 10 years. I do not forgive him. He can keep everything he ever gave me, and I am taking back everything I ever gave to him, he does not deserve a second of it. I am sorry that I was blind, but now I see. When you have no where to go, you go home. I have never felt like any place I have lived or been was home. I couldn't find home for a long time, and for a long time I was dillusioned that he was home. I do not regret anything that happened with paul. That would be wrong. I do, however, regret what he did to Sara. And I will kill him for the secret he forced her to keep from me for so long. You can do whatever you want to me. But when you fuck with my little sister you WILL BURN IN HELL for ever laying a Finger on her. You do NOT rob my sister of her innocense and get away with it. I take back what you did to her. YOU ABUSED MY ANGEL AND YOU WILL NOW REGRET IT. Now would be a good time to tell you that Paul is dying and I have nothing to do with that. He has been having heart problems for about a month and a half. I told him he was dying and he finally admitted it to me. Please don't get me wrong. I love my husband, but he died a long time ago. And the boy that exists still, because he is NO man, will also die. (dear live journal, please this is important to me that you let me post this.) I have no more dillusions. Paul you have used me, and abused me, and manipulated me. But the second that I was told that you... I DO very much hope that every person that has ever read my journal reads this entry. And I hope that it enrages them the way it does me. You can do what you want to me, I have been every kind of abused, but you do NOT touch my sister. You will pay for what you have done. Karma will bring you so much pain, I don't even have to touch you. Nor do I EVER want to see you or talk to you ever again (the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff :P). That is not fair though, I will go to your funeral when you go, and I will speak with the most class and sensativity. I will not show who you really are to those that love you. I will keep your lie for you, which is why I am writing it here. Paul you betrayed me in a way that is unforgivable. You broke the only trust that really mattered, you ruined the only thing I managed to keep safe for a lifetime. My sister. That is the worst mistake you ever made, and so I am taking it back from you. I am taking back everything. Her innocense and mine, and all those from whom you stole. You will remember this if anything, on the moment that you wonder and look at your life. I want your last words to be I'm sorry, and I want you to mean them with every fiber of being and existance you ever had. I do NOT love you, and I do NOT forgive you. Take these words with you.
Love for all who reads this.
Paul has lied, which I always called him on. He has deceived. His heart is black. He is in love with himself. The things that he has forced me to do. He robbed me of my innocense. The things that he has done to me. I forgive myself for putting myself through what he has done to me in the last 10 years. I do not forgive him. He can keep everything he ever gave me, and I am taking back everything I ever gave to him, he does not deserve a second of it. I am sorry that I was blind, but now I see. When you have no where to go, you go home. I have never felt like any place I have lived or been was home. I couldn't find home for a long time, and for a long time I was dillusioned that he was home. I do not regret anything that happened with paul. That would be wrong. I do, however, regret what he did to Sara. And I will kill him for the secret he forced her to keep from me for so long. You can do whatever you want to me. But when you fuck with my little sister you WILL BURN IN HELL for ever laying a Finger on her. You do NOT rob my sister of her innocense and get away with it. I take back what you did to her. YOU ABUSED MY ANGEL AND YOU WILL NOW REGRET IT. Now would be a good time to tell you that Paul is dying and I have nothing to do with that. He has been having heart problems for about a month and a half. I told him he was dying and he finally admitted it to me. Please don't get me wrong. I love my husband, but he died a long time ago. And the boy that exists still, because he is NO man, will also die. (dear live journal, please this is important to me that you let me post this.) I have no more dillusions. Paul you have used me, and abused me, and manipulated me. But the second that I was told that you... I DO very much hope that every person that has ever read my journal reads this entry. And I hope that it enrages them the way it does me. You can do what you want to me, I have been every kind of abused, but you do NOT touch my sister. You will pay for what you have done. Karma will bring you so much pain, I don't even have to touch you. Nor do I EVER want to see you or talk to you ever again (the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff :P). That is not fair though, I will go to your funeral when you go, and I will speak with the most class and sensativity. I will not show who you really are to those that love you. I will keep your lie for you, which is why I am writing it here. Paul you betrayed me in a way that is unforgivable. You broke the only trust that really mattered, you ruined the only thing I managed to keep safe for a lifetime. My sister. That is the worst mistake you ever made, and so I am taking it back from you. I am taking back everything. Her innocense and mine, and all those from whom you stole. You will remember this if anything, on the moment that you wonder and look at your life. I want your last words to be I'm sorry, and I want you to mean them with every fiber of being and existance you ever had. I do NOT love you, and I do NOT forgive you. Take these words with you.
Love for all who reads this.