Moved
So life has been fun lately. First we had no power for about a month. Then I cut off the end of my left index finger nail and some of the skin underneath. Then on friday when I got home from work, I was told that we had less than 2 hours to get anything that we wanted to keep out of the apartment. So I proceeded to stay awake for like 50 some odd hours just moving and packing and unpacking. Fun stuff! :P That is okay though. This too shall pass.
Things have been so crazy for me lately. I have been so stressed out. I seem to be irritated at everything and it is driving me nuts. Im snappy and that is not me. I am more aggressive and that is good for defending myself, which I actually did this weekend. It only took me 22 years to be able to control the actions taken against me. I am so much happier though also, which makes no sense but oh well. I miss someone. I have come to a real decision. I am not going to take anyone treating me like shit ever again. I am finally pissed off, and I am going to start doing something about it. I have had enough of everyone taking advantage of me and using me and hurting me simply because they can. It isn't going to happen anymore. I have moved on from so much that was just weighing me down. I have finally hit the stage in the grieving process that is Anger. I am not an angry person, like ever. Apparently its been building up in my for a long time because now it is trying to make up for lost time. I don't know what exactly is going to happen but I hope that I don't do anything stupid with this new emotion that seems to be controlling me lately. I think that it is definately time to get pissed though. I have let far too many people do far to many harmful things to me in my life time, and I am okay now. I am okay. That makes me happy. Wow. I wish that some people could see me now. My life is shit. But I will survive.
Fiona is possessed or something and I am not even kidding. She looks at me with this evil pierce that I don't even think she is capable of meaning, but it makes me very scared. She is hissing at me and clawing and meowing. It is not like her EVER to do what she did to me last night, it reminded me of the night that Jimmy thought I was possessed. There were times that night that even I thought I was.
Wow I am so happy right now, and its fucked up because I am about to go through some of the worst shit that a person can endure, but its okay because I KNOW that I won't be alone through it, and that NEVER happens... I am not implying that people do not help me, but you know I always end up dealing with it in the rawest sense alone. All the true pain, the tears and the deep thought that you just wish that you could tell someone while you feel everything it is that you are feeling. Well today I am feeling wonderful despite the fact that I miss the person I love and my life is currently in boxes probably to stay that way for a while.
For once in my life I love being alone. I have changed so much in the last year, and so many times it seems. I like having this feeling of strength and control. I have a back bone. No more abuse for Kate. Ever again. This is a promise that I am making to myself and I fully intend to keep it. From this day forward I am finally going to put myself first, I am going to do the things that I need. I am going to take great care of myself. A new life, a home, safety. I don't know I just feel like I am finally alive. I can breath and it doesn't hurt. Change is good. Every aspect of my life seems to be changing so much and I am loving every second of it. Even the tough parts make me happy because they are pushing me to fight through to the bitter end. I feel refreshed, like I have been dreaming for the last few years... Maybe even all the years. I think I will be done for now.
Love for all who read this.
Things have been so crazy for me lately. I have been so stressed out. I seem to be irritated at everything and it is driving me nuts. Im snappy and that is not me. I am more aggressive and that is good for defending myself, which I actually did this weekend. It only took me 22 years to be able to control the actions taken against me. I am so much happier though also, which makes no sense but oh well. I miss someone. I have come to a real decision. I am not going to take anyone treating me like shit ever again. I am finally pissed off, and I am going to start doing something about it. I have had enough of everyone taking advantage of me and using me and hurting me simply because they can. It isn't going to happen anymore. I have moved on from so much that was just weighing me down. I have finally hit the stage in the grieving process that is Anger. I am not an angry person, like ever. Apparently its been building up in my for a long time because now it is trying to make up for lost time. I don't know what exactly is going to happen but I hope that I don't do anything stupid with this new emotion that seems to be controlling me lately. I think that it is definately time to get pissed though. I have let far too many people do far to many harmful things to me in my life time, and I am okay now. I am okay. That makes me happy. Wow. I wish that some people could see me now. My life is shit. But I will survive.
Fiona is possessed or something and I am not even kidding. She looks at me with this evil pierce that I don't even think she is capable of meaning, but it makes me very scared. She is hissing at me and clawing and meowing. It is not like her EVER to do what she did to me last night, it reminded me of the night that Jimmy thought I was possessed. There were times that night that even I thought I was.
Wow I am so happy right now, and its fucked up because I am about to go through some of the worst shit that a person can endure, but its okay because I KNOW that I won't be alone through it, and that NEVER happens... I am not implying that people do not help me, but you know I always end up dealing with it in the rawest sense alone. All the true pain, the tears and the deep thought that you just wish that you could tell someone while you feel everything it is that you are feeling. Well today I am feeling wonderful despite the fact that I miss the person I love and my life is currently in boxes probably to stay that way for a while.
For once in my life I love being alone. I have changed so much in the last year, and so many times it seems. I like having this feeling of strength and control. I have a back bone. No more abuse for Kate. Ever again. This is a promise that I am making to myself and I fully intend to keep it. From this day forward I am finally going to put myself first, I am going to do the things that I need. I am going to take great care of myself. A new life, a home, safety. I don't know I just feel like I am finally alive. I can breath and it doesn't hurt. Change is good. Every aspect of my life seems to be changing so much and I am loving every second of it. Even the tough parts make me happy because they are pushing me to fight through to the bitter end. I feel refreshed, like I have been dreaming for the last few years... Maybe even all the years. I think I will be done for now.
Love for all who read this.