Til Death Do Us Part. (a novel)
Love is scary. Marriage is scary. Thinking about being with one person for the rest of my life baffles me. I mean I have marriage up on a pedastle. I don't think that I can honestly have a complete relationship with someone until I am married to them. Because before that you can only go so far in your relationship before you are stopped. There are limits and rules and you just never completely know someone until you have lived with them. And although in this day in age, you don't have to be married to live with someone, there is that safe sensation in being married. For me, its a clean slate. I can be pure again, and untouched and untainted with. I have been hurt by so many guys. And not just emotionally. So marriage for me is a big thing. But how do you marry someone? I mean, how do you love someone forever and make it work. There is always fighting about something, and yes, its all compromise. But is there a line to be drawn, where you can't compromise yourself without losing something of yourself? Love is a wonderful feeling, when it starts. And then its a decision, because there are going to be days when you wake up next to them and you will want to scream because they drive you nuts. But you get through it and you kiss them anyway with there morning breath and the day goes on like it always has, and always will. You aren't always going to like eachother. And I know that. I know that love and marriage isn't the fantasy I have built up in my head. But I think it can still be magical. And it can still work and last. I don't believe in divorce. I am going to marry once, and be married until long after I die. I want to build a family with the man that I promised to love forever. And build a home. And a real relationship.
I think to this point, I have only had one relationship with a man. I am not including the one I am in either. Although that is a very real relationship. But before that there was one. One relationship. One love. I have only had 2 very real friendships with woman also. And nobody else can ever be what they were/are to me. Because they loved me and accepted me for everything that I truly am. And they understood who I am is who I will always be in one way or another. I may change a little here and there, but I will always be the Kate I was when I was 4 years old and telling my 2 year old sister to run one direction while I ran the other on spencer beach, just to give my mother gray hair. Or the 4 year old who because my mother smoked, picked up a cigarette and put the toaster down and held the cigarette to the coils to lite it, but was caught by my brother luke so I popped the toaster and steped on the cigarette. I will always be me. I have seen people that I grew up with, and they are exactly the same as they were when they were only 4, just a little older and a little more grown up. Maybe I am afraid to grow up. Maybe I am afraid of being who I want to be. Maybe I am afraid of letting someone else be with me because they might not want me to be who I am. I want someone who I can laugh with, and who I can cry with. Or just cry on. And I want someone who is going to fight with me, and then make up and compromise with me. I want to marry a man that I know I will want to grow old with. And even though secretly in my head, I have never been able to see an old Kate, I want to be old and be a grandmother. For the first time in my life, when I had a vision about my children (which I have done at least 3 times now, and a different child each time) I the whole man that was standing with the child. That was maybe not a real vision, but it was comforting to know that I can see myself with someone.
I want to love my in-laws. I want to call them mom and dad, and have more siblings (not that 8 siblings isn't enough for me ;p). And I want to have real relationships with them. I want to gain a family, and then make a new family with my husbend. I don't want to be afraid that he will hurt me like I have been hurt. I don't want to be crazy and scare my children. For once in my life, I want to be normal and calm and mature. I want to grow up. Really grow. I know that marriage is so built up in my mind, but I don't want it to fail. I really want to only put my heart through that much of a jump, once. If I marry someone, I want to give them my whole heart, and right now I can tell you that my heart is no where close to whole. Its very broken, but he can have it if he wants it.
I have been told that I am strong, but let me tell you that I am scared. Being strong is only because I have had to live through so much and had to grow up without being told how to. I would much rather have courage. I have been pushed into a corner by all the hurt I have been hit with, and I am so afraid to live anymore. I have hit the bottom, every pain I have felt has found its way out of my mind to the top of the list. I thought I was over so many things, and I realize that I am just beginning to grieve from them. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well if feeling hurt could kill, I should be dead 1,000,000 times over literally. Physically, emotionally, sexually. Life hasn't been easy on me, and now I am just cracking. I don't want to be crazy, although there have been many times in my life when I truly thought I might be. I think I just long for so much is all. I long for the people I have lost to death. And I long for the friendships that have died. And I long for the father that I will never have, because the one I do have now, is not the man that my father was 10 years ago before he was changed. And I long for children... This one, people say I am so young to know I want something so big. But I know that I have wanted them for as long as I have even been one. And its really getting to me now, someone please by me a baby doll to tide me over. I feel sometimes that I am already going through menopause. I know, I know. I am ridiculous. But I love myself. Despite all the hurt and fear. I guess I am just ready to grow up. To be the adult with the kids, and the home and I am sorry if that is wrong even though I am so young. I just want to know that I can be with someone who will share that life with me. And that I have found that, because I second guess and doubt everything. But I do not regret.
Love for all who read this.
I think to this point, I have only had one relationship with a man. I am not including the one I am in either. Although that is a very real relationship. But before that there was one. One relationship. One love. I have only had 2 very real friendships with woman also. And nobody else can ever be what they were/are to me. Because they loved me and accepted me for everything that I truly am. And they understood who I am is who I will always be in one way or another. I may change a little here and there, but I will always be the Kate I was when I was 4 years old and telling my 2 year old sister to run one direction while I ran the other on spencer beach, just to give my mother gray hair. Or the 4 year old who because my mother smoked, picked up a cigarette and put the toaster down and held the cigarette to the coils to lite it, but was caught by my brother luke so I popped the toaster and steped on the cigarette. I will always be me. I have seen people that I grew up with, and they are exactly the same as they were when they were only 4, just a little older and a little more grown up. Maybe I am afraid to grow up. Maybe I am afraid of being who I want to be. Maybe I am afraid of letting someone else be with me because they might not want me to be who I am. I want someone who I can laugh with, and who I can cry with. Or just cry on. And I want someone who is going to fight with me, and then make up and compromise with me. I want to marry a man that I know I will want to grow old with. And even though secretly in my head, I have never been able to see an old Kate, I want to be old and be a grandmother. For the first time in my life, when I had a vision about my children (which I have done at least 3 times now, and a different child each time) I the whole man that was standing with the child. That was maybe not a real vision, but it was comforting to know that I can see myself with someone.
I want to love my in-laws. I want to call them mom and dad, and have more siblings (not that 8 siblings isn't enough for me ;p). And I want to have real relationships with them. I want to gain a family, and then make a new family with my husbend. I don't want to be afraid that he will hurt me like I have been hurt. I don't want to be crazy and scare my children. For once in my life, I want to be normal and calm and mature. I want to grow up. Really grow. I know that marriage is so built up in my mind, but I don't want it to fail. I really want to only put my heart through that much of a jump, once. If I marry someone, I want to give them my whole heart, and right now I can tell you that my heart is no where close to whole. Its very broken, but he can have it if he wants it.
I have been told that I am strong, but let me tell you that I am scared. Being strong is only because I have had to live through so much and had to grow up without being told how to. I would much rather have courage. I have been pushed into a corner by all the hurt I have been hit with, and I am so afraid to live anymore. I have hit the bottom, every pain I have felt has found its way out of my mind to the top of the list. I thought I was over so many things, and I realize that I am just beginning to grieve from them. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well if feeling hurt could kill, I should be dead 1,000,000 times over literally. Physically, emotionally, sexually. Life hasn't been easy on me, and now I am just cracking. I don't want to be crazy, although there have been many times in my life when I truly thought I might be. I think I just long for so much is all. I long for the people I have lost to death. And I long for the friendships that have died. And I long for the father that I will never have, because the one I do have now, is not the man that my father was 10 years ago before he was changed. And I long for children... This one, people say I am so young to know I want something so big. But I know that I have wanted them for as long as I have even been one. And its really getting to me now, someone please by me a baby doll to tide me over. I feel sometimes that I am already going through menopause. I know, I know. I am ridiculous. But I love myself. Despite all the hurt and fear. I guess I am just ready to grow up. To be the adult with the kids, and the home and I am sorry if that is wrong even though I am so young. I just want to know that I can be with someone who will share that life with me. And that I have found that, because I second guess and doubt everything. But I do not regret.
Love for all who read this.