To Depak:
You know what. I am trying. And I am sorry that you cannot see that. I am sorry that nothing I do is good enough for the people that I have loved in my life. I am paying off debts or just bills. The skirt kim paid for... The only gift I paid for with cash was Jim's and sorry for wanting to give my significant other something... Kims presents I used my Victoria's card for. I have been paying for bills.. Doctors bills and credit card bills. Just because I don't update you every two seconds doesn't mean I am not trying.. And I have been applying at places for a full time job for quite a while... I am not even making 15 hours and Victoria's Secret, and that is not my fault.. That is all they will give me. I try so hard to avoid talking to you about that stuff when I see you partly because all you ever do is hurt me when you talk about it, and I want to just hang out with you and be loving and friends, not just complaining about money or anything all the time. I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. I didn't want this to happen and I have been praying about it for months and crying over it and trying so hard to fix it.. I am sorry that I am not doing that, well enough for your liking. I do love you and I would notice if you up and leave.. Thank you very little but I am trying to get more than just my financial life back in order. Honestly I am taking Jackie's death very hard... Even if nobody notices.. But I am not okay.. I haven't actually grieved over any of the deaths in my life,and there have been 13 including the brother that I never met. Not to mention not being able to handle the whole situation with my dad. Even though I have spent more than half of my life crying, balling my eyes out in fact.. I am a very hurt person, and I am trying to be healed. Everyone said that they wanted me to be happy, well that was bs. Because the second I start doing things that I want and not what everyone else wants, I get bitched at and told not to waste this and not to waste that and this is how I should run my life, but they just want me to be happy. RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Wtf am I supposed to think, and do. As for the whole hell bent thing... I have been planning on paying you back from the beginning, I am sorry if talking to other people painted a different picture. Or you haven't seen all of my actions to know what I am really doing with my life. I am trying to get myself in order, and out of debt. Believe me, I would not like to be where I am right now, and if there was a way I could make it go faster I would. It has been a week or less since the last time I applied somewhere and I am calling about a place tomorrow morning. So you saying that I am not trying not only hurts me but is insulting. This is the stress that is killing me. Not being able to pay my bills and debts.. If I have the right to cry over anything, its these two things, people I love who have died recently, which is more than Jackie for those of you who didn't know... And trying to find a full time job to pay off everything I owe to people both that I know and I don't (i.e. the government for my car and cards and doctors and such). I am done.
Love for all who read this.
Love for all who read this.