"and maybe one day when i see you again....but until then..."
I'm supposed to be writing a journal entry for religion....buuuut that probably won't happen for awhile because i'm too distracted....
School is the same as it has been i guess....it's weird and good at the same time....not ever really very terrible just tough and very different from africa in the interaction kinda aspect....i miss talking with people who know who i am and can relate to me (and me to them) on a different almost deeper level....i miss having the same set of priorities as the people around me and part of me really misses being needed and appreciated by anyone really....my kids at work or my dad or my grandparents.....i guess being here is in a sense challenging me to be ok in not having that....haha maybe for me....the "need" aspect doesnt come from me needing the attention of others, but perhaps the other way around.....others needing my attention and care and concern.....
that is probably one of the hardest parts about being here too....is having up and left all of my responsibilities at home like it was no big deal or didnt matter or people weren't counting on me....it bothers me to realize how selfish a decision i've made in being here....but i can't take it back now and i certainly have to finish what i've started since i'm taking all this money from my parents.....
sometimes i wish i were as carefree as chelsea....just be able to ask for things that i need and not worry about the repercussions of what it might mean for the rest of my family....i dont know at what point my attitude towards the family dynamic all changed around and i became the person who had to take care of everyone....but it's moments like these where i really resent it.....hate beyond all comprehension the fact that my childhood and teenage years were so tainted by my home life and family catastrophe.....it sucks... but i think what sucks most now is being so far into it that being here is tricky knowing what i've left behind....
I miss my home and my family but what i miss most is just people knowing who i am.....(yeah i said it again) it's so difficult to be myself here and i'm not exactly sure why...my best guess is because i dont know the majority of these people....and i'm from an entirely different part of the country.....and a great lot of them are atleast 2 years younger than me.... haha if i thought i was getting away from the drama that is HH by coming here i was dead wrong....which sucks because i'm past all of this...and being pulled back to it and surrounded by it kinda sickens my spirit....
but at the same time i can't imagine going through this any other way....taking classes and living at home wasn't working and i cant even begin to guess how living on my own would go but i can speculate that it would be terribly lonely....life right now is a series of strange events that more often than not i look at from the outside...almost like i'm watching a television show on tv.....and there are so many different storylines and conversations and events occurring around me but all i can do is stare...and take it all in...and wonder what it would be like to be a part of it....hmph haha this all seems so much more depressing than it is.....
anyway i've royally sucked at academics this week.....we haven't gotten our world civ tests back but i'm fairly certain i bombed and that really upsets me.....i'm back to needing to control every single aspect of my surroundings and it's difficult to watch myself make a bad decision, know the outcome, and do it anyway.....very frustrating to revert back to old, really crappy habits...especially knowing the end result...and that is something i can't even think about without feeling completely sick....
i'm totally counting the weeks until thanksgiving break...i can't wait to go home....like WOAH am i excited....mostly to see my dad and mom and the rest of the family....but another enormous factor is for the great birthday extravaganza that is to be NYC!!! i sincerely cannot wait.....i wonder what it will be like to see mason again....i miss him so much....it frightens me to think that i won't be up to my own standards by the time the trip home rolls around....i really need to be there just for the sake of knowing that if it were at all possible for him to consider me in a different light, something other than friendship, that THIS would be the perfect opportunity.....and if it doesnt happen, which i suspect it wont then i will abandon that train of thought and continue in our history as friends....but i've still got my fingers crossed XX
i should probably get to that homework now.....
School is the same as it has been i guess....it's weird and good at the same time....not ever really very terrible just tough and very different from africa in the interaction kinda aspect....i miss talking with people who know who i am and can relate to me (and me to them) on a different almost deeper level....i miss having the same set of priorities as the people around me and part of me really misses being needed and appreciated by anyone really....my kids at work or my dad or my grandparents.....i guess being here is in a sense challenging me to be ok in not having that....haha maybe for me....the "need" aspect doesnt come from me needing the attention of others, but perhaps the other way around.....others needing my attention and care and concern.....
that is probably one of the hardest parts about being here too....is having up and left all of my responsibilities at home like it was no big deal or didnt matter or people weren't counting on me....it bothers me to realize how selfish a decision i've made in being here....but i can't take it back now and i certainly have to finish what i've started since i'm taking all this money from my parents.....
sometimes i wish i were as carefree as chelsea....just be able to ask for things that i need and not worry about the repercussions of what it might mean for the rest of my family....i dont know at what point my attitude towards the family dynamic all changed around and i became the person who had to take care of everyone....but it's moments like these where i really resent it.....hate beyond all comprehension the fact that my childhood and teenage years were so tainted by my home life and family catastrophe.....it sucks... but i think what sucks most now is being so far into it that being here is tricky knowing what i've left behind....
I miss my home and my family but what i miss most is just people knowing who i am.....(yeah i said it again) it's so difficult to be myself here and i'm not exactly sure why...my best guess is because i dont know the majority of these people....and i'm from an entirely different part of the country.....and a great lot of them are atleast 2 years younger than me.... haha if i thought i was getting away from the drama that is HH by coming here i was dead wrong....which sucks because i'm past all of this...and being pulled back to it and surrounded by it kinda sickens my spirit....
but at the same time i can't imagine going through this any other way....taking classes and living at home wasn't working and i cant even begin to guess how living on my own would go but i can speculate that it would be terribly lonely....life right now is a series of strange events that more often than not i look at from the outside...almost like i'm watching a television show on tv.....and there are so many different storylines and conversations and events occurring around me but all i can do is stare...and take it all in...and wonder what it would be like to be a part of it....hmph haha this all seems so much more depressing than it is.....
anyway i've royally sucked at academics this week.....we haven't gotten our world civ tests back but i'm fairly certain i bombed and that really upsets me.....i'm back to needing to control every single aspect of my surroundings and it's difficult to watch myself make a bad decision, know the outcome, and do it anyway.....very frustrating to revert back to old, really crappy habits...especially knowing the end result...and that is something i can't even think about without feeling completely sick....
i'm totally counting the weeks until thanksgiving break...i can't wait to go home....like WOAH am i excited....mostly to see my dad and mom and the rest of the family....but another enormous factor is for the great birthday extravaganza that is to be NYC!!! i sincerely cannot wait.....i wonder what it will be like to see mason again....i miss him so much....it frightens me to think that i won't be up to my own standards by the time the trip home rolls around....i really need to be there just for the sake of knowing that if it were at all possible for him to consider me in a different light, something other than friendship, that THIS would be the perfect opportunity.....and if it doesnt happen, which i suspect it wont then i will abandon that train of thought and continue in our history as friends....but i've still got my fingers crossed XX
i should probably get to that homework now.....