All roads are stories in disguise taking you on a journey.
I don't know what to title this. What else is new?
I meant that rhetorically but I was going to answer that question in this entry in some way, shape, or form regardless of whether the question was actually asked.
I've...not been writing...with any kind of regularity in months now.
There's a reason for that, and to be quite honest, I would not qualify it as a "good" reason and I realize good is a terribly subjective descriptor.
On a scale ranging from happiness-ponies-unicorns-and-rainbows-for-all on one end to deep-dark-pit-of-despair-on-the-cusp-of-galactic-apocalypse-after-living-on-the-edge-for-an-eternity and yes, I know that's quite a range I've got going there to measure this on, it falls somewhere along the non-descript part of the scale.
In the grand scheme of things are the things that have been going on important? No to the world. To myself...eh, depends how you define important. Work is soul crushing and as a result I tend to find myself hating people more and more. It takes all my energy just to get through the day. Which makes looking for something outside...difficult, at best. I realize I am in a rut with work and the only way to make it better is to leave. Leaving requires looking for something which I have not the energy for. Plus interviewing...which requires being available generally during the exact same hours I work...on the phone. So that's unlikely at best. Januaury is normally...a very busy month. As it is now I find myself stressing out a lot when we are holding calls. I find myself getting angry at the smallest things on phone calls. For example if I have to say something for a third time, it's likely I'm feeling a bit of anger if there's no obvious reason why I've had to say it over and over. This could be compounded by things like answering the question to be asked it immediately following the delivering the answer.
Please excuse the last paragraph. The end of it was uncalled for. While true it's more negative than I aspire to be. That's not what I am here to write.
Even if this entry ended up a list I'm sure it would still be long.
A week ago (and some days) my dad was in town. My youngest brother had court. Nobody told me. They all gathered to support him in court. The most I got was "What are you doing [weekday]?" Which I ignored because...that thing I said about work taking all my energy? I haven't been in a place where I could spend time around people. The seemingly small number of times I've been approached I've often ended up not going. If my brother had been more direct and just asked or told me what he needed it may have been different.
I got out of work...after he was out of court. I was pretty angry at the time since work that day sucked. People had raised my ire and I felt angry due to it and the call volume that the business is struggling with due to attrition and can't respond to in a timely fashion unless you consider half of a year "timely". It feels like torment. It feels like emotionally and mental torture. That might be overstating it but it's very painful for me.
It was very clear my youngest brother missed me. I was too angry at the time to offer the emotional response he needed, that his body language was asking for. It was difficult to even offer words to try and alleviate them. He kept asking me if I could hang out on the last day of the weekend, which I hate because I just want to take it easy on Sundays before going back into the high stress environment I find work to be. Tonight on my drive home I was comparing it to jail and I actually thought jail might offer me more freedom compared to work. That was a depressing notion to consider. It was so difficult for me to even be there with them sitting in my car while my dad talked to me and my youngest brother came over to my window for part of our conversation while the other two remained in the car (not mine) for most of it.
It took everything I had to stay there and to remain in their presence that afternoon and in to the evening. I wanted to drive away and be alone. I wanted to be very alone at that time. I wanted to be able to drive angry or spiritedly depending on who you ask, I wanted to be able to use roads the way they are meant to be. Some roads beg to be driven like you mean it. I wanted to be able to take a vehicle and push it hard around every last corner. It would have demanded my concentration, my focus, I could have gotten lost in the task itself. Maybe that's a dark place, maybe it's a coping place, maybe it's neither of those.
Very close to the start of September I visited my dad and my uncle who was there. My uncle asked if I had considered moving somewhere new, in pursuit of a job. I had considered it (but not voiced it aloud) idly as I went back and forth on how seriously I might mean it.
If I move somewhere new what difference does the where matter? Where is just a place. Where is a view, or a timezone, or a sunset (or rise), or an assembly, or a setting for history or for history-to-be. In the end, where is a backdrop, just another scene background bound to be forgotten by time over the ages. Inside I know that where is not the biggest question, where is not the question that really matters.
Who is the question that carries more weight, isn't it?
I don't want to go somewhere to run away. The people I have...that sounds like ownership, no. The people here I know, that I value, and appreciate are definitely part of what keeps me here despite any differences we may have. I want to be clear, I am not running from anything. It wouldn't be running from the job.
Ideally I wish instant global transportation was as easy as instant global communication. I think instant (or near-instant) global transportation will result in another major shift in how the world works, it will be disruptive the same way global communication is. This is a point I should elaborate on another time.
All good stories start somewhere. Nobody tells you the ending that came before the story began. What sacrifice was made so that that story could begin?
When it comes to possibly moving I've been keeping the whole thing pretty close to the vest. My uncle asked where I might go I had a couple possible places in mind but I didn't out them. I wasn't ready to. The ideas feel...crazy? Bold? Very risky?
I talked about it with my dad once, he was in the service at one time, I asked what his experience had been.
Part of me, if I moved, would want to keep a place here relatively close to family. I know that means I'm not ready to let go completely yet. Why do I hold on to this so tightly? Is it fear? Fear of failure? Do I think I'll lose myself along the way? Do I think I'll lose the relationships I have because I won't maintain them? Or that I wouldn't be able to get by and survive on my own somewhere new, that I won't find a way to flourish and become successful? I don't want to be stuck in a rut forever. Ruts are...ruts have terrible views. You should try taking a look at the world from the vantage point of a rut. Maybe I'll look for some ruts for photographic purposes, sorry, sidenote there.
Money is a factor to an extent. I wish I could say that I had income such that I could decide whimsically to jump on a plane and go somewhere and see what it's like. Take time off and go somewhere spontaneously but alas.
What's the biggest chance or risk you took on something? How did it work out? Would you do it again, knowing what you know now?
I've also been thinking about addiction. It crossed my mind the other day if I turned to alcohol the way I've turned to games these last few months I'd probably be considered an alcoholic. The game is an escape. A way to refocus my mind and my attention on something that's not work but it's...possible that I spend more time than is healthy. I don't like thinking of it as addiction because that makes it sound like I don't have control over it. I do have control over it and I need to exercise my will and self-discipline to do smaller healthier doses.
I can do it, I know that. Which is why I wouldn't be inclined to describe it as addiction as that would suggest that you don't recognize it's a problem or have the power to change the behavior. Maybe I have that definition wrong.
I meant that rhetorically but I was going to answer that question in this entry in some way, shape, or form regardless of whether the question was actually asked.
I've...not been writing...with any kind of regularity in months now.
There's a reason for that, and to be quite honest, I would not qualify it as a "good" reason and I realize good is a terribly subjective descriptor.
On a scale ranging from happiness-ponies-unicorns-and-rainbows-for-all on one end to deep-dark-pit-of-despair-on-the-cusp-of-galactic-apocalypse-after-living-on-the-edge-for-an-eternity and yes, I know that's quite a range I've got going there to measure this on, it falls somewhere along the non-descript part of the scale.
In the grand scheme of things are the things that have been going on important? No to the world. To myself...eh, depends how you define important. Work is soul crushing and as a result I tend to find myself hating people more and more. It takes all my energy just to get through the day. Which makes looking for something outside...difficult, at best. I realize I am in a rut with work and the only way to make it better is to leave. Leaving requires looking for something which I have not the energy for. Plus interviewing...which requires being available generally during the exact same hours I work...on the phone. So that's unlikely at best. Januaury is normally...a very busy month. As it is now I find myself stressing out a lot when we are holding calls. I find myself getting angry at the smallest things on phone calls. For example if I have to say something for a third time, it's likely I'm feeling a bit of anger if there's no obvious reason why I've had to say it over and over. This could be compounded by things like answering the question to be asked it immediately following the delivering the answer.
Please excuse the last paragraph. The end of it was uncalled for. While true it's more negative than I aspire to be. That's not what I am here to write.
Even if this entry ended up a list I'm sure it would still be long.
A week ago (and some days) my dad was in town. My youngest brother had court. Nobody told me. They all gathered to support him in court. The most I got was "What are you doing [weekday]?" Which I ignored because...that thing I said about work taking all my energy? I haven't been in a place where I could spend time around people. The seemingly small number of times I've been approached I've often ended up not going. If my brother had been more direct and just asked or told me what he needed it may have been different.
I got out of work...after he was out of court. I was pretty angry at the time since work that day sucked. People had raised my ire and I felt angry due to it and the call volume that the business is struggling with due to attrition and can't respond to in a timely fashion unless you consider half of a year "timely". It feels like torment. It feels like emotionally and mental torture. That might be overstating it but it's very painful for me.
It was very clear my youngest brother missed me. I was too angry at the time to offer the emotional response he needed, that his body language was asking for. It was difficult to even offer words to try and alleviate them. He kept asking me if I could hang out on the last day of the weekend, which I hate because I just want to take it easy on Sundays before going back into the high stress environment I find work to be. Tonight on my drive home I was comparing it to jail and I actually thought jail might offer me more freedom compared to work. That was a depressing notion to consider. It was so difficult for me to even be there with them sitting in my car while my dad talked to me and my youngest brother came over to my window for part of our conversation while the other two remained in the car (not mine) for most of it.
It took everything I had to stay there and to remain in their presence that afternoon and in to the evening. I wanted to drive away and be alone. I wanted to be very alone at that time. I wanted to be able to drive angry or spiritedly depending on who you ask, I wanted to be able to use roads the way they are meant to be. Some roads beg to be driven like you mean it. I wanted to be able to take a vehicle and push it hard around every last corner. It would have demanded my concentration, my focus, I could have gotten lost in the task itself. Maybe that's a dark place, maybe it's a coping place, maybe it's neither of those.
Very close to the start of September I visited my dad and my uncle who was there. My uncle asked if I had considered moving somewhere new, in pursuit of a job. I had considered it (but not voiced it aloud) idly as I went back and forth on how seriously I might mean it.
If I move somewhere new what difference does the where matter? Where is just a place. Where is a view, or a timezone, or a sunset (or rise), or an assembly, or a setting for history or for history-to-be. In the end, where is a backdrop, just another scene background bound to be forgotten by time over the ages. Inside I know that where is not the biggest question, where is not the question that really matters.
Who is the question that carries more weight, isn't it?
I don't want to go somewhere to run away. The people I have...that sounds like ownership, no. The people here I know, that I value, and appreciate are definitely part of what keeps me here despite any differences we may have. I want to be clear, I am not running from anything. It wouldn't be running from the job.
Ideally I wish instant global transportation was as easy as instant global communication. I think instant (or near-instant) global transportation will result in another major shift in how the world works, it will be disruptive the same way global communication is. This is a point I should elaborate on another time.
All good stories start somewhere. Nobody tells you the ending that came before the story began. What sacrifice was made so that that story could begin?
When it comes to possibly moving I've been keeping the whole thing pretty close to the vest. My uncle asked where I might go I had a couple possible places in mind but I didn't out them. I wasn't ready to. The ideas feel...crazy? Bold? Very risky?
I talked about it with my dad once, he was in the service at one time, I asked what his experience had been.
Part of me, if I moved, would want to keep a place here relatively close to family. I know that means I'm not ready to let go completely yet. Why do I hold on to this so tightly? Is it fear? Fear of failure? Do I think I'll lose myself along the way? Do I think I'll lose the relationships I have because I won't maintain them? Or that I wouldn't be able to get by and survive on my own somewhere new, that I won't find a way to flourish and become successful? I don't want to be stuck in a rut forever. Ruts are...ruts have terrible views. You should try taking a look at the world from the vantage point of a rut. Maybe I'll look for some ruts for photographic purposes, sorry, sidenote there.
Money is a factor to an extent. I wish I could say that I had income such that I could decide whimsically to jump on a plane and go somewhere and see what it's like. Take time off and go somewhere spontaneously but alas.
What's the biggest chance or risk you took on something? How did it work out? Would you do it again, knowing what you know now?
I've also been thinking about addiction. It crossed my mind the other day if I turned to alcohol the way I've turned to games these last few months I'd probably be considered an alcoholic. The game is an escape. A way to refocus my mind and my attention on something that's not work but it's...possible that I spend more time than is healthy. I don't like thinking of it as addiction because that makes it sound like I don't have control over it. I do have control over it and I need to exercise my will and self-discipline to do smaller healthier doses.
I can do it, I know that. Which is why I wouldn't be inclined to describe it as addiction as that would suggest that you don't recognize it's a problem or have the power to change the behavior. Maybe I have that definition wrong.