Rejection is scary!
I'm tired of people who feel more comfortable updating their profile than sending a simple message to a person with the same information they add to the profile where they reject the person in a much more public manner.
Why is this acceptable?
It's also frustrating when they say one thing in the profile, like what age range they are looking for but then hold that against you when you're in the range they specify. Or they say they want to make new friends and then seem disinterested in the same objective when that's all you're interested in. (If after becoming friends we re-evaluate things and they change we'll cross that bridge when we have to.)
I'm railing against...on the dating site it feels like I'm against everything. I know I have a tendency to question everything, including with increasing frequency the merits of social norms in relationships. One that really should be dead is the idea that the woman should wait for the man to make first contact and show interest in the woman.
That is really old fashioned. No, correction, it should be obsolete. If you don't take control of your life by initiating contact with people that you are interested in than you deserve what fate you get. An unhappy marriage? Maybe you should have looked harder for a better partner and not gone out with that guy because he was the only one that contacted you, or he was the least awful of all the people that did talk to you.
I know I'm being too rational.
I also want someone who is really open-minded.
I'm afraid I won't get that. I'm very independent (naturally; that's common among INTJs) and would rather be by myself than in a relationship with someone that I don't think is a good fit.
I do want people to be rational.
For example, there's a question about if you marry someone if sex with them has to be the best sex you've ever had.
I've been surprised at the sheer number of women who have answered "yes". If they indicate that they have to have sex before marriage and then the person they marry has to be the best sex ever...? Unreasonable. (Have I written about this before? I think I might have mentioned it.)
I would like a thinker. I sent a thinker a message early this week, who I saw recently updated her profile with that she was looking for someone close to her age. (But she didn't update the age ranges she was looking for in her profile. Seriously? What a cop out.)
The judgmental part of my personality resulted in immediately losing respect for that person. If she had sent me a message directly instead of a cowardly profile update. If she had updated the age ranges on the profile I would have lost a bit less respect but still would have lost some for the public rebuttal instead of handing it privately like two adults. [Edit: That and she added the personality type, which is something that I updated in my profile after sending the message to her but before she updated with the bit about ages and personality types she'd prefer to meet in her own profile.)]
I'm not writing this to publicly humiliate the person but instead to work through how irrational and inconsiderate I see it. It's not the first time I've been rebuffed with a profile update instead of a civilized reply to my message. I think it's an Internet thing. Like internet trolls who are mean because nobody knows them on the internet and they can get away with it.
I know I'm in the minority, but that doesn't make me feel any less emotionally worked up about it. This is probably a great example of my personality type being hypersensitive to rejection. I'd like to think I'm more up in arms about it because I sent a message and the courteous thing to do would have been to reply to my message directly like a civilized person and handle it in a mature fashion like two adults.
But no. That would've been too rational.
I dislike people who are really closed-minded. I much prefer people who are open to new data and who will consider a new viewpoint if they are given data that supports the new view as better (logically) than their prior viewpoint.
As I view more profiles on the dating site I'm seeing first-hand just how closed-minded most people are. It's really disappointing and can be discouraging that I'll ever find someone who's open-minded and values honesty. Are these two core values really so uncommon?
I can't really decide if I want to be involved with someone who has a kid or not. I'm open to it, largely because I haven't had that experience before and I don't know whether it would be good or bad.
Why is this acceptable?
It's also frustrating when they say one thing in the profile, like what age range they are looking for but then hold that against you when you're in the range they specify. Or they say they want to make new friends and then seem disinterested in the same objective when that's all you're interested in. (If after becoming friends we re-evaluate things and they change we'll cross that bridge when we have to.)
I'm railing against...on the dating site it feels like I'm against everything. I know I have a tendency to question everything, including with increasing frequency the merits of social norms in relationships. One that really should be dead is the idea that the woman should wait for the man to make first contact and show interest in the woman.
That is really old fashioned. No, correction, it should be obsolete. If you don't take control of your life by initiating contact with people that you are interested in than you deserve what fate you get. An unhappy marriage? Maybe you should have looked harder for a better partner and not gone out with that guy because he was the only one that contacted you, or he was the least awful of all the people that did talk to you.
I know I'm being too rational.
I also want someone who is really open-minded.
I'm afraid I won't get that. I'm very independent (naturally; that's common among INTJs) and would rather be by myself than in a relationship with someone that I don't think is a good fit.
I do want people to be rational.
For example, there's a question about if you marry someone if sex with them has to be the best sex you've ever had.
I've been surprised at the sheer number of women who have answered "yes". If they indicate that they have to have sex before marriage and then the person they marry has to be the best sex ever...? Unreasonable. (Have I written about this before? I think I might have mentioned it.)
I would like a thinker. I sent a thinker a message early this week, who I saw recently updated her profile with that she was looking for someone close to her age. (But she didn't update the age ranges she was looking for in her profile. Seriously? What a cop out.)
The judgmental part of my personality resulted in immediately losing respect for that person. If she had sent me a message directly instead of a cowardly profile update. If she had updated the age ranges on the profile I would have lost a bit less respect but still would have lost some for the public rebuttal instead of handing it privately like two adults. [Edit: That and she added the personality type, which is something that I updated in my profile after sending the message to her but before she updated with the bit about ages and personality types she'd prefer to meet in her own profile.)]
I'm not writing this to publicly humiliate the person but instead to work through how irrational and inconsiderate I see it. It's not the first time I've been rebuffed with a profile update instead of a civilized reply to my message. I think it's an Internet thing. Like internet trolls who are mean because nobody knows them on the internet and they can get away with it.
I know I'm in the minority, but that doesn't make me feel any less emotionally worked up about it. This is probably a great example of my personality type being hypersensitive to rejection. I'd like to think I'm more up in arms about it because I sent a message and the courteous thing to do would have been to reply to my message directly like a civilized person and handle it in a mature fashion like two adults.
But no. That would've been too rational.
I dislike people who are really closed-minded. I much prefer people who are open to new data and who will consider a new viewpoint if they are given data that supports the new view as better (logically) than their prior viewpoint.
As I view more profiles on the dating site I'm seeing first-hand just how closed-minded most people are. It's really disappointing and can be discouraging that I'll ever find someone who's open-minded and values honesty. Are these two core values really so uncommon?
I can't really decide if I want to be involved with someone who has a kid or not. I'm open to it, largely because I haven't had that experience before and I don't know whether it would be good or bad.