When in your life did you feel most alone?
The night D'hoffryn killed Hallie and I walked away from Xander outside the fraternity house. I'll grant you I wasn't alone very long. Oh, no. Of course, they came running with things they needed done. "Anya, watch Spike." "Anya, watch the cannon fodder Potentials." "Anya, torture Andrew." And so I moved into the overly crowded house and Buffy said I was just there because I was scared, but that wasn't the truth.
If I'd just been scared I would have ran. I always ran before I knew them. In the end, it's not like I did all that much to stop it so, you know, they would still have saved the world. God knows, they didn't need me. If I'd just been scared...
But I was lonely. They were my family. They were...even without Xander and all of that, they were all I knew in this world as a human. I still miss them. Miss gathering together to do the ridiculous Scooby thing. Nobody needs me now either, you know. I mean, I get the calls. "Anya, do you have this in your shop?" "Anya, what do you know about this or that demon." But nobody...
It doesn't matter. Now isn't what I'm writing about. I'm not alone now. I have the cats. And Loki. And the Twins. That's not alone.
But that night, Xander said I didn't have to be alone. Didn't have to...but I did. I had to figure out who I was without them. Without him. All my life I've just clung to whatever came along. Olaf. D'hoffryn. Xander. Ethan. Alan. Ray. And now I guess Loki and the Twins get to be the clung to ones. Only I'm trying not to. Because I remember what I said to Xander that night. About being alone. Figuring things out.
And for that night, and the next day or two, I was. My friend had died in my place. My boyfriend was now my ex. I had no power. I had no shop. I had...nothing.
Just me.
I didn't like it much.
If I'd just been scared I would have ran. I always ran before I knew them. In the end, it's not like I did all that much to stop it so, you know, they would still have saved the world. God knows, they didn't need me. If I'd just been scared...
But I was lonely. They were my family. They were...even without Xander and all of that, they were all I knew in this world as a human. I still miss them. Miss gathering together to do the ridiculous Scooby thing. Nobody needs me now either, you know. I mean, I get the calls. "Anya, do you have this in your shop?" "Anya, what do you know about this or that demon." But nobody...
It doesn't matter. Now isn't what I'm writing about. I'm not alone now. I have the cats. And Loki. And the Twins. That's not alone.
But that night, Xander said I didn't have to be alone. Didn't have to...but I did. I had to figure out who I was without them. Without him. All my life I've just clung to whatever came along. Olaf. D'hoffryn. Xander. Ethan. Alan. Ray. And now I guess Loki and the Twins get to be the clung to ones. Only I'm trying not to. Because I remember what I said to Xander that night. About being alone. Figuring things out.
And for that night, and the next day or two, I was. My friend had died in my place. My boyfriend was now my ex. I had no power. I had no shop. I had...nothing.
Just me.
I didn't like it much.