Moment I was most proud
It's odd. The moment I am most proud of now was the moment I was most devastated during. And not the wedding, for all that might seem like it should be. The moment of greatest devastation was when I stood in that frat house and saw D'hoffryn kill Hallie instead of me. I hadn't wanted that. I wanted to take back what I'd done. Take back the murder of all those boys. And I wanted to be the one to pay the price. I knew what it would take. The life and soul of a vengeance demon. I figured it would be mine. I wasn't proud then. I wasn't doing it for pride or recognition. I was doing it because of the pain. Because I couldn't live with what I had done. It was actually pretty weak of me. I didn't want to be a vengeance demon anymore. I didn't want to kill. My friends all hated me and Buffy had tried to kill me.
All in all, I saw no reason to go on. So take it back. Get rid of the blood. And end the pain for me.
I was stupid and I forgot the first rule and he killed Hallie instead of me. Left me human and made me suffer through that.
It was kind of funny how quickly Xander wanted to be there for me then. I mean, of course, he'd stepped between me and Buffy and tried to reach me before then. And he had. But then it was all, "Look, Anya's human." Buffy didn't want to kill me. I could have just stepped right back in to the life I'd had before the wedding. Maybe even told Xander I still loved him and that we could try the dating thing again.
And they called me to watch Spike, and I was nominally part of them again and I know I went to live there because, yes, we were all scared and someone had to help take care of the cannon fodder.
But what I said to Xander-that moment of realization. The fact that I'd always clung to whatever came along, all my life. And I told him that I had to figure out who I was and learn to stand on my own.
I'm still struggling to do that in some ways. In others, that's what I've done since coming back. The gang's still here, sort of, but we're not really the Scoobies anymore. I rarely see most of them. And I've taken up with Loki and doing what he needs and helping him. It's probably not always…ethical. Moral. Not by Scooby standards, at least. But it's something. And it's mine. I make the choice of what to do, and when. And I made the choice to be Loki's on my own. I have my own shop. My own employees. I'm in school. I'm not clinging to a relationship to find my fulfillment in.
I'm working on being my own person. And that…that makes me proud. And it started in that moment, so I guess that has to be the moment I'm most proud of.
All in all, I saw no reason to go on. So take it back. Get rid of the blood. And end the pain for me.
I was stupid and I forgot the first rule and he killed Hallie instead of me. Left me human and made me suffer through that.
It was kind of funny how quickly Xander wanted to be there for me then. I mean, of course, he'd stepped between me and Buffy and tried to reach me before then. And he had. But then it was all, "Look, Anya's human." Buffy didn't want to kill me. I could have just stepped right back in to the life I'd had before the wedding. Maybe even told Xander I still loved him and that we could try the dating thing again.
And they called me to watch Spike, and I was nominally part of them again and I know I went to live there because, yes, we were all scared and someone had to help take care of the cannon fodder.
But what I said to Xander-that moment of realization. The fact that I'd always clung to whatever came along, all my life. And I told him that I had to figure out who I was and learn to stand on my own.
I'm still struggling to do that in some ways. In others, that's what I've done since coming back. The gang's still here, sort of, but we're not really the Scoobies anymore. I rarely see most of them. And I've taken up with Loki and doing what he needs and helping him. It's probably not always…ethical. Moral. Not by Scooby standards, at least. But it's something. And it's mine. I make the choice of what to do, and when. And I made the choice to be Loki's on my own. I have my own shop. My own employees. I'm in school. I'm not clinging to a relationship to find my fulfillment in.
I'm working on being my own person. And that…that makes me proud. And it started in that moment, so I guess that has to be the moment I'm most proud of.