The Sacrifice and Change
She hadn't told any of the Scoobies what she had planned. She didn't think they'd approve or understand. But it wasn't like she was going back to D'hoffryn. Not like that at all. She was just tired. Tired of trying to be human and not fitting in and always doing it wrong. Maybe if she wasn't human anymore, then she'd have an excuse. And she could say things like "Foolish mortal children with your silly rules I don't need to follow." Because she wouldn't need to.
She wouldn't need anything.
She wouldn't need anyone.
Alone was better.
She couldn't quite get back to that place, though. Loki had come when she was crying and offered her this. The Twins had been so wonderful, cheering her up. Buffy and Willow and Joan had all gotten in touch. Anteros had sent a rose for her. Michael had been sufficiently indignant and disbelieving.
Alone wasn't really all it was cracked up to be. It was nice to have people...but not like that. No more hopes of the white dress and the cake and the bridesmaids and the groomsmen and th house with the white picket fence and 2.5 children and a dog and a cat. Maybe a fish and a bird even, but then the cat would just eat them, so that wasn't really a wise idea and, anyway, she didn't want to think about pets being eaten after the recent massacre.
She wasn't sure exactly what to do or how to do it. She got the Baileys and Thin Mints and Twinkies out, because he loved them so. She cradled the diamond ring in the palm of her hand, tracing over it again and again. It had been lost in the Hellmouth and she'd let it stay there because the hope she had lived on in her heart and she didn't need the symbol to hold on to it.
Every smile. Every touch. Every word spoken was ingrained in her memory. Every hope that one day he'd...remember. One day he'd want her again. One day they could go back and have everything they'd always wanted. She held it inside. She cherished it. She kept it from the bright light of day so it wouldn't fade. She dated. She loved. But it was there, always.
She really couldn't blame Ray. She understood after all what it was to love someone who walked away. To still hold on to that hope. She had a picture, from Buffy's wedding. He was standing there with her, his hand resting on her waist. He'd gotten all flustered when he'd put it there and she'd gotten all nervous and they'd stammered and all she'd wanted to do was kiss him, tell him that it was all right and she loved him and ask him if they could start again. But then he'd disappeared and now there was just this child in his place.
Still she'd hoped. Maybe her Xander would come back. There'd been such promise, such hope. She'd clung to it for so long.
And now it was time to let it go.
Let go of the dream. Let go of the hope. Sacrifice it on Loki's altar and let him change her. Make her stronger. Make her something else. Make her his so that no matter if lovers came and went, she'd always know she belonged somewhere. No fear of Hell. No fear of what Daniel might do and leave her stranded a hundred years from now with no one.
Her fingers closed around the diamond ring and she rested her head on her knees and cried for a long time. When the tears dried up she stood and went to the bathroom. She washed her face and dried it off and did a little glamour to hide her red eyes.
Then taking a deep breath, she lit a candle, because it seemed the thing to do and called him.
Loki? I'm ready...
She wouldn't need anything.
She wouldn't need anyone.
Alone was better.
She couldn't quite get back to that place, though. Loki had come when she was crying and offered her this. The Twins had been so wonderful, cheering her up. Buffy and Willow and Joan had all gotten in touch. Anteros had sent a rose for her. Michael had been sufficiently indignant and disbelieving.
Alone wasn't really all it was cracked up to be. It was nice to have people...but not like that. No more hopes of the white dress and the cake and the bridesmaids and the groomsmen and th house with the white picket fence and 2.5 children and a dog and a cat. Maybe a fish and a bird even, but then the cat would just eat them, so that wasn't really a wise idea and, anyway, she didn't want to think about pets being eaten after the recent massacre.
She wasn't sure exactly what to do or how to do it. She got the Baileys and Thin Mints and Twinkies out, because he loved them so. She cradled the diamond ring in the palm of her hand, tracing over it again and again. It had been lost in the Hellmouth and she'd let it stay there because the hope she had lived on in her heart and she didn't need the symbol to hold on to it.
Every smile. Every touch. Every word spoken was ingrained in her memory. Every hope that one day he'd...remember. One day he'd want her again. One day they could go back and have everything they'd always wanted. She held it inside. She cherished it. She kept it from the bright light of day so it wouldn't fade. She dated. She loved. But it was there, always.
She really couldn't blame Ray. She understood after all what it was to love someone who walked away. To still hold on to that hope. She had a picture, from Buffy's wedding. He was standing there with her, his hand resting on her waist. He'd gotten all flustered when he'd put it there and she'd gotten all nervous and they'd stammered and all she'd wanted to do was kiss him, tell him that it was all right and she loved him and ask him if they could start again. But then he'd disappeared and now there was just this child in his place.
Still she'd hoped. Maybe her Xander would come back. There'd been such promise, such hope. She'd clung to it for so long.
And now it was time to let it go.
Let go of the dream. Let go of the hope. Sacrifice it on Loki's altar and let him change her. Make her stronger. Make her something else. Make her his so that no matter if lovers came and went, she'd always know she belonged somewhere. No fear of Hell. No fear of what Daniel might do and leave her stranded a hundred years from now with no one.
Her fingers closed around the diamond ring and she rested her head on her knees and cried for a long time. When the tears dried up she stood and went to the bathroom. She washed her face and dried it off and did a little glamour to hide her red eyes.
Then taking a deep breath, she lit a candle, because it seemed the thing to do and called him.
Loki? I'm ready...