an old post
I've been hanging on to it for a while. adding to it, i dont think its finished, but I have new shit to get out.
ive passed a point of no return. I've been passing them for ages now, i just keep on working it out so that the deeper I get, the more I will be unable to have what I once had before. if I give in, I lose myself and make it worst, if I resist, I make it worse. the only way to better things for others is to lie. I see no way to better myself.
im only given the option to be a dick. My choices are never good or bad. i either must be selfish, or must appear to be a dick, my only options.
its not irrational or anything, but I do have a fear. I've already seen small parts of it, my fear is that it will grow. I've already seen my nicest and best sides turned against me. Now my fear is that they may be turned so much, that I wont be allowed to be that anymore. That my nicest and best sides will only be seen as bad, or that they will only remind of bad. If that ever were to happen, I already know that I have contributed everything to be turned against me. To be the creator of your own downfall...to have your best parts turned against you by one claiming to love you more then anything...and to have those go from loving you to loathing you when you've treated them just the same if not better.....if a broken soul means you've lost hope, i am broken. And the repairer? they just quit.
I see, almost daily, how things I say can be twisted against me. I see it, but I can say nothing. Having a great secret, I always thought, would be fun, knowing more then others do. My secret sucks. its unfair, and I promise, promise promise...no joy can come from my truth. I have had this truth before, it only causes hurt.
So the fact that I will keep a secret for the rest of my life hurts enough...but the fact that in principle, my reason for keeping my secret may be that my blissfull happiness is wrong. My idea of what happy is, is wrong. My wants, dreams and wishes, though only pure, selfless and truly heartfelt, are wrong.
so besides having to convince myself that the best ive ever felt about myself and the best ive felt about others was wrong, that my bests were wrong, the other possibly unbearable pain is that I will be reminded, almost daily, of what ive lost, whats been taken from me, what I cannot have. To make a mistake is one thing, but to be in a poition where you must continue making the bad choice while the right choice is slamming you in the face every morning...its hard to deal with.
But as far as dealings are concerned, mine must stay internal. They cannot be understood and will not be welcomed. It's caused slightly less frustration now that I see that I am, or at least in this, unable to be understood. Only through experience could my side be comprehended, and i cannot recreate experience.
but thats all just a ramble. the worst fear is, that the reason all of these wrongs were done against me, that might change...and if it does, it will be made official that I was wronged when I shouldnt have been, but that wont change my position, and the my position is dire enough that I will never return.
ive passed a point of no return. I've been passing them for ages now, i just keep on working it out so that the deeper I get, the more I will be unable to have what I once had before. if I give in, I lose myself and make it worst, if I resist, I make it worse. the only way to better things for others is to lie. I see no way to better myself.
im only given the option to be a dick. My choices are never good or bad. i either must be selfish, or must appear to be a dick, my only options.
its not irrational or anything, but I do have a fear. I've already seen small parts of it, my fear is that it will grow. I've already seen my nicest and best sides turned against me. Now my fear is that they may be turned so much, that I wont be allowed to be that anymore. That my nicest and best sides will only be seen as bad, or that they will only remind of bad. If that ever were to happen, I already know that I have contributed everything to be turned against me. To be the creator of your own downfall...to have your best parts turned against you by one claiming to love you more then anything...and to have those go from loving you to loathing you when you've treated them just the same if not better.....if a broken soul means you've lost hope, i am broken. And the repairer? they just quit.
I see, almost daily, how things I say can be twisted against me. I see it, but I can say nothing. Having a great secret, I always thought, would be fun, knowing more then others do. My secret sucks. its unfair, and I promise, promise promise...no joy can come from my truth. I have had this truth before, it only causes hurt.
So the fact that I will keep a secret for the rest of my life hurts enough...but the fact that in principle, my reason for keeping my secret may be that my blissfull happiness is wrong. My idea of what happy is, is wrong. My wants, dreams and wishes, though only pure, selfless and truly heartfelt, are wrong.
so besides having to convince myself that the best ive ever felt about myself and the best ive felt about others was wrong, that my bests were wrong, the other possibly unbearable pain is that I will be reminded, almost daily, of what ive lost, whats been taken from me, what I cannot have. To make a mistake is one thing, but to be in a poition where you must continue making the bad choice while the right choice is slamming you in the face every morning...its hard to deal with.
But as far as dealings are concerned, mine must stay internal. They cannot be understood and will not be welcomed. It's caused slightly less frustration now that I see that I am, or at least in this, unable to be understood. Only through experience could my side be comprehended, and i cannot recreate experience.
but thats all just a ramble. the worst fear is, that the reason all of these wrongs were done against me, that might change...and if it does, it will be made official that I was wronged when I shouldnt have been, but that wont change my position, and the my position is dire enough that I will never return.