Gotten (Chapter 4)
CHAPTER 4
I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle
But now I’m not sure
I can’t save you if you don’t let me
You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before
We meet in the kitchen way too early on Saturday morning, both looking like we had no sleep at all. I can see Kurt’s been crying, even though he’s very good at hiding the evidence with his creams and concealers. He must have already done his morning beauty rituals, because unless you knew better, you wouldn’t notice anything was wrong. But I do. I know him well enough to see the bare hint of puffiness around his eyes, the sad line of his lips, brows furrowed a little too much. I set a cup of latte in front of him without a word and return to the pancakes I’m making. There’s an assortment of fruit already on the table. We eat in silence. That’s another thing we had in common and it’s nice to see that nothing has changed. Neither of us is too sociable before the first cup of coffee, so we just don’t talk first thing in the morning, don’t get in the other’s way. Sure enough, he speaks only as I gather the dishes to put it in the sink.
“You look like you didn’t get much sleep.”
“I was worried about you.”
“Unnecessarily. I’m fine.”
“No you’re not.”
“No I’m not. I forgot who I’m talking to.”
“Seriously though, how are you holding up?”
“Barely. It’s just so sudden, you know? One minute I have an organized, predictable life, even if it’s a little boring and monotonous, and the next I’m single, homeless, I don’t have a job or a penny to my name. But… is it weird that I find it more bearable because I’m here? At least I know you won’t judge me. As soon as I get home… It will be a lot worse there.”
“Yeah, about that. Are you sure you want to go back?”
“No, I’m sure I don’t want to go back. But I’m just as sure that I don’t have any other choice, Blaine.”
“Maybe I could lend you some money and…”
“No. Definitely not. Right now I have no perspectives, I don’t know when I will have any money at all. I don’t want to add debts to my situation. It’s bad enough without it.”
“Have you thought about finding a job here? I just… I’m sorry, but I think returning to Lima is the worst thing you could do for yourself right now.”
“Blaine, I know that. The thought of going back there is killing me. But look, I have no qualifications whatsoever, no experience…”
“That’s not true. What about that mechanics certificate you got when you were 16? With that and all the years helping your dad in the garage you’re certainly qualified enough. It would be something at least, for a while.”
“Well, yeah, but I’m sure it’s not that easy to find a job as a mechanic here, and I’d need something fast.”
“So anything for starters, until you find something better. In a shop, or a café even.”
“You forget one thing. I have nowhere to live, and even if I survived until the first paycheck, this is New York. I won’t be able to rent an apartment, let alone buy food working in a café. And I’m not sure if living in some terrible motel…”
“You can live with me.”
“Blaine, thank you, it’s really sweet, the way you try to help me, but you know that would be a disastrous idea. A couple of days may be fine, but if I stayed longer, it would only cause problems between you and Danny.”
Right. It may be the time to tell him - I can’t avoid the topic forever.
“It won’t. Danny doesn’t live here anymore, Kurt. I’m single.”
His eyes widen. “What?!”
“We broke up over a year ago - almost a year and a half actually. So you can stop worrying and stay with me until you get back on your feet. Once you find a decent job, we can share bills and food expenses, but for now just stay as my guest, okay? I really don’t want you to return to Ohio. Your place is here in New York.”
“Wait, wait, don’t change the topic. What do you mean, you broke up? You were the best matched couple I knew!”
Sigh. Here comes the Spanish inquisition.
“Yeah, well. It happens.”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry! How are you?”
“I’m fine. It was a long time ago.” I shrug. Kurt looks at me with narrowed eyes for a long while, then shakes his head. Damn, I thought that was convincing.
“He broke your heart, didn’t he?”
“Kurt, I’m fine.”
“Blaine Anderson! I know you, remember? Fine and we broke up may have been enough for everybody else, but I can see you’re still hurting. And if you still hurt after a year and a half, it must have been one hell of a breakup.”
I stay silent. He’s right, of course, on every point. It was hell, it still hurts. And everyone else, including my parents, just believed me when I said I was fine. But this is Kurt; he won’t let me off the hook that easily.
Which he proves right away.
“Okay, I’m all ears. What happened?” This is Kurt in his interrogation mode: fully focused, shoulders squared, hands folded on the table. I know there’s no way around having this conversation now, which doesn’t mean I don’t try to avoid it anyway.
“Will it help if I say I don’t want to talk about it?”
“Have you talked about it to anyone?”
“No.”
“Then no, it won’t help. Spill.”
I really don’t want to talk about this, but maybe it is time. Maybe sharing it will somehow lighten the weight of these memories, pressing heavily on my heart for so long.
“Fine, fine. Will you at least let me get a drink first?”
“It’s eight in the morning!”
“Too bad. I need alcohol if I’m to talk about it.”
“Okay. Pour me a shot too.”
I get whiskey out of the fridge, pour generously. We take it to the couch. I draw a shaky breath, and another, then I drink half of my whiskey in one gulp. I can’t quite decide on where to start. Kurt notices.
“Come on. The last time we talked, you two were living here, happy as can be. Honeymoon phase in full bloom. What changed?”
I cringe at his choice of words, but oblige.
“Nothing changed. We were together, we were happy. Things were great. I managed to squeeze three years of studies into two, got my MA in June. Then… Two weeks later I proposed.”
“You what?! Oh my god, it’s huge! Oh no, I’m sorry, there’s no happy ending. But still, you proposed! It’s so… so adult! Okay, okay, I’m calming down. What did you do?”
“It was Danny’s birthday. I was playing a gig at the club where we met that night. He was there, we were supposed to go to dinner later. At the end of my performance, I dedicated the last song to my boyfriend. And I sang Marry Me. You know, by Train.”
Kurt can’t contain his excitement and flails a little. “Aaaaaaand?”
“He freaked out, ran out of the club in the middle of the song. I thought I’d die of embarrassment, but I sang to the end before I left. The club was full that evening and everyone was looking at me with pity. It was terrible.”
Kurt looks at me with compassion. “I bet. You must have been happy you didn’t study there anymore.”
“I was. But then it got worse. Danny was nowhere to be seen and didn’t pick up his phone, so I went home, to wait for him. He was here, pacing the room, looking guilty. We sat and talked.”
My glass is empty, so I pour myself more. Now comes the hard part.
“He said he didn’t know I took this, us, so seriously. That he wasn’t ready for commitment, not then and not… not with me. He wanted to travel after graduation, have fun, not settle down. Our relationship was great, he said, but for him it was temporary, a student romance. Sure, he loved being with me, but… no, I was not the love of his life.” I have tears on my face and it feels strange. They’ve been waiting too long to be spilt. I’ve never let myself cry after Danny left.
Kurt takes my hand and moves closer on the couch.
“I’m so sorry… But had you never talked about the future before?”
“I had. About family and children…”
“… two, a boy and a girl, adopted, not biological, because there are enough children who need good homes…” I smile sadly. He knows me so well.
“Exactly. But I guess I never actually said that I wanted it all with Danny. It was obvious to me.”
“Well, it should have been obvious to him, too. Didn’t he know you at all?” Kurt shakes his head incredulously.
“Maybe he didn’t want to know this side of me. And when I thought about it later, I realized he didn’t seem all that interested whenever I spoke about it, he never even commented. We just wanted two completely different things and didn’t realize it.”
“But the guy loved you!”
“I don’t know… He always said he did, but evidently for him it meant something else than for me. His love had limits, you know? Something like I love you until I graduate and go look for someone better. Mine was supposed to be forever. It shook me pretty bad. He slept on the couch that night and moved out the next day. I never saw him again.”
“Bastard. He didn’t deserve you.”
I just laugh bitterly. “Right.”
“And you haven’t had another relationship since then?”
“I don’t do relationships anymore. I guess I don’t believe they work.”
“Yeah, there’s two of us now.” Kurt finishes his whiskey. I lean closer and lay my head on his shoulder. We sit in silence for a while before he speaks, regret in his voice. “I’ve been a shitty friend, haven’t I? You needed me and I never even answered any of your texts.”
“You didn’t know.”
“Still, I want to kick myself right now. I’m sorry, Blaine. I’m sorry for being a self-absorbed ass. Can I make it up to you somehow?”
“Stay here?”
He turns his head to look me in the eyes, just inches away.
“Are you sure you wouldn’t mind?”
“Of course not. I’d be happy to have you back in my life. It would be like college again, only with more room and our own kitchen. And no problems getting alcohol.”
Kurt snorts an almost-laughter.
“You had me at alcohol. No, I’m kidding. I’d love to stay. Thank you, Blaine, you have no idea how much it means to me.” His arm slides around my shoulders, pulls me closer.
We sit like this for a while, and I feel something within me settle, relax, something I hadn’t realized was restless for so long.
My best friend is back in my life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the next chapter:
Maybe it’s a bitter wind
That chilled from the pacific rim
That brought you this way
I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle
But now I’m not sure
I can’t save you if you don’t let me
You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before
We meet in the kitchen way too early on Saturday morning, both looking like we had no sleep at all. I can see Kurt’s been crying, even though he’s very good at hiding the evidence with his creams and concealers. He must have already done his morning beauty rituals, because unless you knew better, you wouldn’t notice anything was wrong. But I do. I know him well enough to see the bare hint of puffiness around his eyes, the sad line of his lips, brows furrowed a little too much. I set a cup of latte in front of him without a word and return to the pancakes I’m making. There’s an assortment of fruit already on the table. We eat in silence. That’s another thing we had in common and it’s nice to see that nothing has changed. Neither of us is too sociable before the first cup of coffee, so we just don’t talk first thing in the morning, don’t get in the other’s way. Sure enough, he speaks only as I gather the dishes to put it in the sink.
“You look like you didn’t get much sleep.”
“I was worried about you.”
“Unnecessarily. I’m fine.”
“No you’re not.”
“No I’m not. I forgot who I’m talking to.”
“Seriously though, how are you holding up?”
“Barely. It’s just so sudden, you know? One minute I have an organized, predictable life, even if it’s a little boring and monotonous, and the next I’m single, homeless, I don’t have a job or a penny to my name. But… is it weird that I find it more bearable because I’m here? At least I know you won’t judge me. As soon as I get home… It will be a lot worse there.”
“Yeah, about that. Are you sure you want to go back?”
“No, I’m sure I don’t want to go back. But I’m just as sure that I don’t have any other choice, Blaine.”
“Maybe I could lend you some money and…”
“No. Definitely not. Right now I have no perspectives, I don’t know when I will have any money at all. I don’t want to add debts to my situation. It’s bad enough without it.”
“Have you thought about finding a job here? I just… I’m sorry, but I think returning to Lima is the worst thing you could do for yourself right now.”
“Blaine, I know that. The thought of going back there is killing me. But look, I have no qualifications whatsoever, no experience…”
“That’s not true. What about that mechanics certificate you got when you were 16? With that and all the years helping your dad in the garage you’re certainly qualified enough. It would be something at least, for a while.”
“Well, yeah, but I’m sure it’s not that easy to find a job as a mechanic here, and I’d need something fast.”
“So anything for starters, until you find something better. In a shop, or a café even.”
“You forget one thing. I have nowhere to live, and even if I survived until the first paycheck, this is New York. I won’t be able to rent an apartment, let alone buy food working in a café. And I’m not sure if living in some terrible motel…”
“You can live with me.”
“Blaine, thank you, it’s really sweet, the way you try to help me, but you know that would be a disastrous idea. A couple of days may be fine, but if I stayed longer, it would only cause problems between you and Danny.”
Right. It may be the time to tell him - I can’t avoid the topic forever.
“It won’t. Danny doesn’t live here anymore, Kurt. I’m single.”
His eyes widen. “What?!”
“We broke up over a year ago - almost a year and a half actually. So you can stop worrying and stay with me until you get back on your feet. Once you find a decent job, we can share bills and food expenses, but for now just stay as my guest, okay? I really don’t want you to return to Ohio. Your place is here in New York.”
“Wait, wait, don’t change the topic. What do you mean, you broke up? You were the best matched couple I knew!”
Sigh. Here comes the Spanish inquisition.
“Yeah, well. It happens.”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry! How are you?”
“I’m fine. It was a long time ago.” I shrug. Kurt looks at me with narrowed eyes for a long while, then shakes his head. Damn, I thought that was convincing.
“He broke your heart, didn’t he?”
“Kurt, I’m fine.”
“Blaine Anderson! I know you, remember? Fine and we broke up may have been enough for everybody else, but I can see you’re still hurting. And if you still hurt after a year and a half, it must have been one hell of a breakup.”
I stay silent. He’s right, of course, on every point. It was hell, it still hurts. And everyone else, including my parents, just believed me when I said I was fine. But this is Kurt; he won’t let me off the hook that easily.
Which he proves right away.
“Okay, I’m all ears. What happened?” This is Kurt in his interrogation mode: fully focused, shoulders squared, hands folded on the table. I know there’s no way around having this conversation now, which doesn’t mean I don’t try to avoid it anyway.
“Will it help if I say I don’t want to talk about it?”
“Have you talked about it to anyone?”
“No.”
“Then no, it won’t help. Spill.”
I really don’t want to talk about this, but maybe it is time. Maybe sharing it will somehow lighten the weight of these memories, pressing heavily on my heart for so long.
“Fine, fine. Will you at least let me get a drink first?”
“It’s eight in the morning!”
“Too bad. I need alcohol if I’m to talk about it.”
“Okay. Pour me a shot too.”
I get whiskey out of the fridge, pour generously. We take it to the couch. I draw a shaky breath, and another, then I drink half of my whiskey in one gulp. I can’t quite decide on where to start. Kurt notices.
“Come on. The last time we talked, you two were living here, happy as can be. Honeymoon phase in full bloom. What changed?”
I cringe at his choice of words, but oblige.
“Nothing changed. We were together, we were happy. Things were great. I managed to squeeze three years of studies into two, got my MA in June. Then… Two weeks later I proposed.”
“You what?! Oh my god, it’s huge! Oh no, I’m sorry, there’s no happy ending. But still, you proposed! It’s so… so adult! Okay, okay, I’m calming down. What did you do?”
“It was Danny’s birthday. I was playing a gig at the club where we met that night. He was there, we were supposed to go to dinner later. At the end of my performance, I dedicated the last song to my boyfriend. And I sang Marry Me. You know, by Train.”
Kurt can’t contain his excitement and flails a little. “Aaaaaaand?”
“He freaked out, ran out of the club in the middle of the song. I thought I’d die of embarrassment, but I sang to the end before I left. The club was full that evening and everyone was looking at me with pity. It was terrible.”
Kurt looks at me with compassion. “I bet. You must have been happy you didn’t study there anymore.”
“I was. But then it got worse. Danny was nowhere to be seen and didn’t pick up his phone, so I went home, to wait for him. He was here, pacing the room, looking guilty. We sat and talked.”
My glass is empty, so I pour myself more. Now comes the hard part.
“He said he didn’t know I took this, us, so seriously. That he wasn’t ready for commitment, not then and not… not with me. He wanted to travel after graduation, have fun, not settle down. Our relationship was great, he said, but for him it was temporary, a student romance. Sure, he loved being with me, but… no, I was not the love of his life.” I have tears on my face and it feels strange. They’ve been waiting too long to be spilt. I’ve never let myself cry after Danny left.
Kurt takes my hand and moves closer on the couch.
“I’m so sorry… But had you never talked about the future before?”
“I had. About family and children…”
“… two, a boy and a girl, adopted, not biological, because there are enough children who need good homes…” I smile sadly. He knows me so well.
“Exactly. But I guess I never actually said that I wanted it all with Danny. It was obvious to me.”
“Well, it should have been obvious to him, too. Didn’t he know you at all?” Kurt shakes his head incredulously.
“Maybe he didn’t want to know this side of me. And when I thought about it later, I realized he didn’t seem all that interested whenever I spoke about it, he never even commented. We just wanted two completely different things and didn’t realize it.”
“But the guy loved you!”
“I don’t know… He always said he did, but evidently for him it meant something else than for me. His love had limits, you know? Something like I love you until I graduate and go look for someone better. Mine was supposed to be forever. It shook me pretty bad. He slept on the couch that night and moved out the next day. I never saw him again.”
“Bastard. He didn’t deserve you.”
I just laugh bitterly. “Right.”
“And you haven’t had another relationship since then?”
“I don’t do relationships anymore. I guess I don’t believe they work.”
“Yeah, there’s two of us now.” Kurt finishes his whiskey. I lean closer and lay my head on his shoulder. We sit in silence for a while before he speaks, regret in his voice. “I’ve been a shitty friend, haven’t I? You needed me and I never even answered any of your texts.”
“You didn’t know.”
“Still, I want to kick myself right now. I’m sorry, Blaine. I’m sorry for being a self-absorbed ass. Can I make it up to you somehow?”
“Stay here?”
He turns his head to look me in the eyes, just inches away.
“Are you sure you wouldn’t mind?”
“Of course not. I’d be happy to have you back in my life. It would be like college again, only with more room and our own kitchen. And no problems getting alcohol.”
Kurt snorts an almost-laughter.
“You had me at alcohol. No, I’m kidding. I’d love to stay. Thank you, Blaine, you have no idea how much it means to me.” His arm slides around my shoulders, pulls me closer.
We sit like this for a while, and I feel something within me settle, relax, something I hadn’t realized was restless for so long.
My best friend is back in my life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the next chapter:
Maybe it’s a bitter wind
That chilled from the pacific rim
That brought you this way