Learning To Breathe Again (Chapter 9)
CHAPTER 9. Tell me why
If there was one thing to say about Carole Hummel-Hudson, it was that she was determined. Of course, she was a lot of other things as well, such as perceptive, caring, warm and forgiving, but if it wasn’t for her determination, she would have never survived alone with her son when her first husband died. She knew she had to do it for her little boy.
The same determination, though with another boy on her mind, led her now, as she was driving towards the Andersons’ house. Blaine said once that while his father always worked since the early morning hours, his mother was more of a night person and never left home before 11 am. Which is why Carole hoped she could get the woman alone now, at 9:30 on a school day. It was no use trying to talk some sense into her if her husband was there - he was clearly the head of the family and his was the last word. But maybe alone, his wife would listen. Maybe she could talk to her, mother to mother.
Pulling into the long driveway in front of a big, beautiful house, she wondered again if it was the best idea. Maybe she shouldn’t meddle after all. What if she just imagined the look of worry and doubt on Mrs. Anderson’s perfectly made-up face, the hint of tears in her eyes before she blinked them away, as they were leaving with the boy? What if her visit here would make it worse for Blaine?
She shook her head. How could she make it worse? The poor kid was already treated like he wasn’t there by his own parents, like he didn’t matter at all. If there was even the slightest chance of helping him, she had to try. If she just makes a fool of herself, so be it.
She got out of the car, went to the front door and rang the bell. After a moment, it opened to reveal Mrs. Anderson in a red silk robe, her make-up already on, but long black hair still loose. Carole smiled nervously.
“Hi. I’m Carole Hummel. I…”
“I know who you are.” The woman’s smile was cool, reserved. “Can I help you with anything?”
“I wanted to talk about Blaine.”
There was a moment of hesitation, then the door were opened further.
“Come in. Coffee? I’ve just brewed a fresh pot.”
They sat at the table in a luxuriously equipped kitchen, cups of steaming coffee in hands, awkward silence between them. Mrs. Anderson spoke first.
“So… your son is gay, too?” It wasn’t really a question, she must have known already.
“Kurt is. My step-son, but he’s like a second son to me. I married his father four months ago.”
“So you actually had a choice. To have a gay child. How do you deal with it?”
Carole furrowed her brow. What a weird question.
“There’s nothing to deal with. Kurt is an extraordinary boy, really talented and caring, and I love him like my own. And what if he’s gay? It just means a little different set of parental problems and more reasons to worry, because his life will always be harder than it should be, especially here. Other than that, it’s just like raising Finn - they are the same age.”
The woman looked at her with something close to disbelief, but caught herself quickly and her expression returned to neutral.
“So you wanted to talk to me about Blaine.”
“Yes. Mrs. Anderson…”
“Please, call me Lilian.”
“Lilian, did Blaine told you about his visit at the police yesterday?”
“Yes. He said there will be no trial so he won’t have to testify.”
“Did he tell you why?”
“No. We assumed the man was let go.”
Carole’s first stunned reaction was And you didn’t ask? What kind of parents are you?, but she came here determined to keep herself in check, so she bit her tongue and said calmly instead,
“He wasn’t. He accepted a plea bargain. He pleaded guilty to four rapes. One of the boys was underage. The man is in prison now, he got 20 years without right to parole.”
There was a gasp from the other side of the table.
“So it really was… rape?”
“Of course it was! Did you doubt it for even a minute? Didn’t you hear what my husband told you? Didn’t you see your son’s face and shoulder? His back? His wrists?” She could see the questioning look at Lilian’s face. Her forced composure was failing her, she just felt so strongly about it. “Oh. He didn’t show you. And you didn’t ask? Why, for god’s sake? Why are you so distant to him? He needs you so much. Especially now. He’s so lost, Lilian, so broken. We can be there for him, his friends can help him some, but he needs more than that. He needs his parents, and he needs therapy to get over the trauma. Why would you deny him your attention, your closeness, your help? Your own child?”
There were tears in the other woman’s eyes now, though she fought valiantly not to let them flow.
“It’s… it’s better this way. If I get any closer to him, he’ll be able to feel my… distaste. It’s better if he just thinks I’m distant. You see, I can’t accept his life choices, it’s against everything I believe in. I can’t help it. But I don’t want him to feel it.”
Carole felt suddenly sick, excellent coffee she was drinking burning her throat like acid now.
“Homosexuality is not a choice, it’s something he was born with, I’m sure you know it.”
“No, I’m not talking about him being gay. I mean, maybe partially I am, it’s the core of the problem after all. But unlike my husband, I don’t care if Blaine likes girls or boys, it’s just that I can’t condone the lifestyle he chooses.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m talking about the sexual promiscuity. Multiple partners, one-night stands, all the risky behaviors. I’m not a religious person and I know waiting with sex for the wedding night is unrealistic nowadays, but I’ve always taught Blaine to respect himself and his body, but also other people. I can’t look at him sleeping around and not feel disgusted, even if I’m ashamed to feel this way about my own child.”
It took a moment for Carole to find her voice and pick her jaw up from the floor. Of all the things she expected to hear…
“Wait. Let me make it clear. You think that your son is sleeping around? And that’s how he got himself into this situation, so he’s to blame? Where does that come from? Do you even know Blaine?”
“Well, I thought I did. We used to have a really good relationship once. But lately, for about two years now, it’s been all about boys. It started when he was fifteen, maybe a little earlier. After he transferred to Dalton. I know he’s having boys here when we’re away - and let me tell you, it scares me, but I guess it’s better than some dirty motels or back seats of cars parked in public places, so I don’t say anything. Sometimes he even sneaks them in when we are home. If he’s like that now, here, I can’t imagine what will happen when he goes to college, to a city where people are more open, where there are more opportunities. He’ll probably lose himself completely. My son. The sweet, talented boy I raised.” She shook her head, bitter, disappointed expression on her face.
“But… What makes you think he’s really doing anything inappropriate? Have you asked him?”
“Well, no, but I can see it. The way he behaves, the way he talks… He used to be quite introverted, a little shy when he was younger. Then at 15 he suddenly became confident, a bit cocky even. He started going out a lot, talking openly about boys - there was always this boy or that boy, I just heard names, constantly changing. A couple of times he admitted he had sleepovers or movie nights here when we were away. And then there was this one time when I went to close the window in his room in the middle of the night and I could hear sounds through the door. Sexual sounds. I didn’t enter, of course. And I found a half-used bottle of personal lubricant in his drawer later, next to a box of condoms.”
“Okay. Let me tell you how I see what you just described. Your son changed schools and discovered that people actually liked him in Dalton and didn’t care about his sexuality. He became popular, which made him more confident. He grew up and started to have teenage crushes, so he was talking about them. Or maybe just about his friends from an all-boy school. He took advantage of a conveniently empty house every now and then to invite friends for movie nights or maybe a little party. You caught him watching porn at night - I had this dubious pleasure too, by the way, more than once, with my straight son. And you found evidence that he masturbates and is careful enough to have condoms on hand just in case something happens one day. Or maybe because he wanted to learn how to use them. All of which are completely normal teenage behaviors. And what you gather from these is that your kid is sleeping around? Why?”
“Well, that’s what gay men do, isn’t it? They start early, they change partners all the time…”
“Says the stereotype that has little to do with an average gay man.”
“How can you know?”
“Because I’ve read a lot about it before I became part of this family. So that I could be a good mum to Kurt. And because I talk to them. Both Kurt and Blaine. And they want just the same every teenager wants - to find this one special person, to fall in love, be in a good relationship, maybe one day get married, maybe have children. They are normal kids. The only difference is who they like and how much more difficult they have it.”
“So you are telling me that Blaine is all pure and innocent.”
“He was. Before he was assaulted. Don’t tell him I told you this, but I think you need to know. This man? It was your son’s first kiss. And first everything. And everything except the kiss was forced.”
The tears were flowing from Lilian’s eyes at last, leaving black smudges of mascara in their wake. She choked out a single sob and covered her mouth with a manicured hand for a moment, before she stuttered,
“But… but he’s always acting so… so confident and flirty, and just plain sexy when I see him in other boys’ company…”
“Yes, he’s a very good actor, isn’t he? I was fooled too, the first few times he was visiting Kurt.”
“And you’re certain…”
“I am.”
“Oh god, what have I done… All this time I thought… What do I do now? My poor boy, he must believe I don’t care about him at all…” She was crying in earnest now, utter desperation on her face.
“Well, you could talk to him. Really talk to him. Let him tell you what happened. What he feels. What he’s afraid of. Show him that you care, that you love him, that you’ll help him. And for god’s sake, send him to a therapist or he’ll be scarred for life. He really needs it. He has a contact to someone specializing in sexual assault cases in his wallet.”
The woman nodded shakily, then wiped her face, took a few deep breaths and picked up a phone. When she spoke, she sounded completely calm and collected, even though Carole could still see tears shining in her eyes.
“Carl, I’m not coming to the office today. Please take over my 12 o’clock staff meeting, the notes are on my desk. I’ve got something important to do here.”
She hung up and looked at Carole.
“Thank you for coming here. And for helping Blaine the way you all did. You have no idea how grateful I am. I may seem cold, but… he’s my baby. My only baby. And I was such an awful mother to him…” She was crying again.
“Hey,” she touched Lilian’s hand, “you’ll make it better. You can still rebuild your relationship. Just… take care of him. And make sure he gets professional help. And when you go for another trip, send him to us, okay? We’ll be happy to have him there.”
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In the next chapter: Miracles
If there was one thing to say about Carole Hummel-Hudson, it was that she was determined. Of course, she was a lot of other things as well, such as perceptive, caring, warm and forgiving, but if it wasn’t for her determination, she would have never survived alone with her son when her first husband died. She knew she had to do it for her little boy.
The same determination, though with another boy on her mind, led her now, as she was driving towards the Andersons’ house. Blaine said once that while his father always worked since the early morning hours, his mother was more of a night person and never left home before 11 am. Which is why Carole hoped she could get the woman alone now, at 9:30 on a school day. It was no use trying to talk some sense into her if her husband was there - he was clearly the head of the family and his was the last word. But maybe alone, his wife would listen. Maybe she could talk to her, mother to mother.
Pulling into the long driveway in front of a big, beautiful house, she wondered again if it was the best idea. Maybe she shouldn’t meddle after all. What if she just imagined the look of worry and doubt on Mrs. Anderson’s perfectly made-up face, the hint of tears in her eyes before she blinked them away, as they were leaving with the boy? What if her visit here would make it worse for Blaine?
She shook her head. How could she make it worse? The poor kid was already treated like he wasn’t there by his own parents, like he didn’t matter at all. If there was even the slightest chance of helping him, she had to try. If she just makes a fool of herself, so be it.
She got out of the car, went to the front door and rang the bell. After a moment, it opened to reveal Mrs. Anderson in a red silk robe, her make-up already on, but long black hair still loose. Carole smiled nervously.
“Hi. I’m Carole Hummel. I…”
“I know who you are.” The woman’s smile was cool, reserved. “Can I help you with anything?”
“I wanted to talk about Blaine.”
There was a moment of hesitation, then the door were opened further.
“Come in. Coffee? I’ve just brewed a fresh pot.”
They sat at the table in a luxuriously equipped kitchen, cups of steaming coffee in hands, awkward silence between them. Mrs. Anderson spoke first.
“So… your son is gay, too?” It wasn’t really a question, she must have known already.
“Kurt is. My step-son, but he’s like a second son to me. I married his father four months ago.”
“So you actually had a choice. To have a gay child. How do you deal with it?”
Carole furrowed her brow. What a weird question.
“There’s nothing to deal with. Kurt is an extraordinary boy, really talented and caring, and I love him like my own. And what if he’s gay? It just means a little different set of parental problems and more reasons to worry, because his life will always be harder than it should be, especially here. Other than that, it’s just like raising Finn - they are the same age.”
The woman looked at her with something close to disbelief, but caught herself quickly and her expression returned to neutral.
“So you wanted to talk to me about Blaine.”
“Yes. Mrs. Anderson…”
“Please, call me Lilian.”
“Lilian, did Blaine told you about his visit at the police yesterday?”
“Yes. He said there will be no trial so he won’t have to testify.”
“Did he tell you why?”
“No. We assumed the man was let go.”
Carole’s first stunned reaction was And you didn’t ask? What kind of parents are you?, but she came here determined to keep herself in check, so she bit her tongue and said calmly instead,
“He wasn’t. He accepted a plea bargain. He pleaded guilty to four rapes. One of the boys was underage. The man is in prison now, he got 20 years without right to parole.”
There was a gasp from the other side of the table.
“So it really was… rape?”
“Of course it was! Did you doubt it for even a minute? Didn’t you hear what my husband told you? Didn’t you see your son’s face and shoulder? His back? His wrists?” She could see the questioning look at Lilian’s face. Her forced composure was failing her, she just felt so strongly about it. “Oh. He didn’t show you. And you didn’t ask? Why, for god’s sake? Why are you so distant to him? He needs you so much. Especially now. He’s so lost, Lilian, so broken. We can be there for him, his friends can help him some, but he needs more than that. He needs his parents, and he needs therapy to get over the trauma. Why would you deny him your attention, your closeness, your help? Your own child?”
There were tears in the other woman’s eyes now, though she fought valiantly not to let them flow.
“It’s… it’s better this way. If I get any closer to him, he’ll be able to feel my… distaste. It’s better if he just thinks I’m distant. You see, I can’t accept his life choices, it’s against everything I believe in. I can’t help it. But I don’t want him to feel it.”
Carole felt suddenly sick, excellent coffee she was drinking burning her throat like acid now.
“Homosexuality is not a choice, it’s something he was born with, I’m sure you know it.”
“No, I’m not talking about him being gay. I mean, maybe partially I am, it’s the core of the problem after all. But unlike my husband, I don’t care if Blaine likes girls or boys, it’s just that I can’t condone the lifestyle he chooses.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m talking about the sexual promiscuity. Multiple partners, one-night stands, all the risky behaviors. I’m not a religious person and I know waiting with sex for the wedding night is unrealistic nowadays, but I’ve always taught Blaine to respect himself and his body, but also other people. I can’t look at him sleeping around and not feel disgusted, even if I’m ashamed to feel this way about my own child.”
It took a moment for Carole to find her voice and pick her jaw up from the floor. Of all the things she expected to hear…
“Wait. Let me make it clear. You think that your son is sleeping around? And that’s how he got himself into this situation, so he’s to blame? Where does that come from? Do you even know Blaine?”
“Well, I thought I did. We used to have a really good relationship once. But lately, for about two years now, it’s been all about boys. It started when he was fifteen, maybe a little earlier. After he transferred to Dalton. I know he’s having boys here when we’re away - and let me tell you, it scares me, but I guess it’s better than some dirty motels or back seats of cars parked in public places, so I don’t say anything. Sometimes he even sneaks them in when we are home. If he’s like that now, here, I can’t imagine what will happen when he goes to college, to a city where people are more open, where there are more opportunities. He’ll probably lose himself completely. My son. The sweet, talented boy I raised.” She shook her head, bitter, disappointed expression on her face.
“But… What makes you think he’s really doing anything inappropriate? Have you asked him?”
“Well, no, but I can see it. The way he behaves, the way he talks… He used to be quite introverted, a little shy when he was younger. Then at 15 he suddenly became confident, a bit cocky even. He started going out a lot, talking openly about boys - there was always this boy or that boy, I just heard names, constantly changing. A couple of times he admitted he had sleepovers or movie nights here when we were away. And then there was this one time when I went to close the window in his room in the middle of the night and I could hear sounds through the door. Sexual sounds. I didn’t enter, of course. And I found a half-used bottle of personal lubricant in his drawer later, next to a box of condoms.”
“Okay. Let me tell you how I see what you just described. Your son changed schools and discovered that people actually liked him in Dalton and didn’t care about his sexuality. He became popular, which made him more confident. He grew up and started to have teenage crushes, so he was talking about them. Or maybe just about his friends from an all-boy school. He took advantage of a conveniently empty house every now and then to invite friends for movie nights or maybe a little party. You caught him watching porn at night - I had this dubious pleasure too, by the way, more than once, with my straight son. And you found evidence that he masturbates and is careful enough to have condoms on hand just in case something happens one day. Or maybe because he wanted to learn how to use them. All of which are completely normal teenage behaviors. And what you gather from these is that your kid is sleeping around? Why?”
“Well, that’s what gay men do, isn’t it? They start early, they change partners all the time…”
“Says the stereotype that has little to do with an average gay man.”
“How can you know?”
“Because I’ve read a lot about it before I became part of this family. So that I could be a good mum to Kurt. And because I talk to them. Both Kurt and Blaine. And they want just the same every teenager wants - to find this one special person, to fall in love, be in a good relationship, maybe one day get married, maybe have children. They are normal kids. The only difference is who they like and how much more difficult they have it.”
“So you are telling me that Blaine is all pure and innocent.”
“He was. Before he was assaulted. Don’t tell him I told you this, but I think you need to know. This man? It was your son’s first kiss. And first everything. And everything except the kiss was forced.”
The tears were flowing from Lilian’s eyes at last, leaving black smudges of mascara in their wake. She choked out a single sob and covered her mouth with a manicured hand for a moment, before she stuttered,
“But… but he’s always acting so… so confident and flirty, and just plain sexy when I see him in other boys’ company…”
“Yes, he’s a very good actor, isn’t he? I was fooled too, the first few times he was visiting Kurt.”
“And you’re certain…”
“I am.”
“Oh god, what have I done… All this time I thought… What do I do now? My poor boy, he must believe I don’t care about him at all…” She was crying in earnest now, utter desperation on her face.
“Well, you could talk to him. Really talk to him. Let him tell you what happened. What he feels. What he’s afraid of. Show him that you care, that you love him, that you’ll help him. And for god’s sake, send him to a therapist or he’ll be scarred for life. He really needs it. He has a contact to someone specializing in sexual assault cases in his wallet.”
The woman nodded shakily, then wiped her face, took a few deep breaths and picked up a phone. When she spoke, she sounded completely calm and collected, even though Carole could still see tears shining in her eyes.
“Carl, I’m not coming to the office today. Please take over my 12 o’clock staff meeting, the notes are on my desk. I’ve got something important to do here.”
She hung up and looked at Carole.
“Thank you for coming here. And for helping Blaine the way you all did. You have no idea how grateful I am. I may seem cold, but… he’s my baby. My only baby. And I was such an awful mother to him…” She was crying again.
“Hey,” she touched Lilian’s hand, “you’ll make it better. You can still rebuild your relationship. Just… take care of him. And make sure he gets professional help. And when you go for another trip, send him to us, okay? We’ll be happy to have him there.”
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In the next chapter: Miracles