Ugh
I don't know why I bother to make plans. Something always happens to spoil them. I had been planning to go see a movie today - was really excited about it actually. I started feeling funky a few hours ago and now I'm stuck at the house. Low level nausea and lots of funky feeling in my intestines. I'm going to go lay down for a nap in a minute. I'm sure this is my same ol' stuff. I might have taken two doses of ibuprofen. Maybe? That would account for the intestinal stuff. But I'm pretty sure that I didn't. I think I'm just having my normal stuff. I'm fighting taking an anti-anxiety because I need to learn how to work through this stuff without panic. What if? So what! I don't work tomorrow. I have time to recoup if I do get sick. BUT I haven't been exposed and the last time I had the stomach bug, someone actually brought it INTO my house. I'm sure that I'm fine. I just need to focus on something else and relax. This feeling will pass by the evening, I just know it. Stressing about it only makes it worse for me. It prolongs things and it's counter-productive. I have time to nap so I will do it. My stomach and intestines have always been a bit off. This is something that I deal with a few times a month. It comes and goes. I am fine. I just have to fight it. The hardest part is the self-hate that comes with it. Like I'm worthless because I freak out over this. I am NOT worthless. I've still made granola bars from scratch this morning. I've done a load of wash. I will get things put away. I might run an errand later. I might not. But if I don't, it only hurts me. Sigh. This is so frustrating. It feels like I've gotten worse over the last seven years, but specifically over the last five years. I'm not really sure why. If I can get my insurance switched to my husband's, I'm definitely going back to therapy. I need it so badly.
The whole time that I've been typing this, I've felt fine for the most part. So distraction helps, which tells me that it's not a bug. With a bug, there would be NO distraction. I hate that I only come here to vent, but that is really why I need this journal - so I have a place to come. This way my husband doesn't have to know how truly bad I've gotten (he really suspects). I don't have to talk to anyone about it. My dad and brother will always talk things through with me without being judgemental (my mom TOTALLY is - if I call her, she'll go on and on and on about how "bad" I am and how much I need "help"...thanks), but I don't like to call them unless I'm really super bad. Since my brother always says the same things to reassure me, I can just use those to self talk myself. My nephew is almost 7. He's been in pre-school since he was a few months old and he's now in 1st grade. He has never (knock on wood) had the stomach flu. That's 7 years. My brother, who is an elementary school teacher, hasn't had the stomach flu since we were kids. That includes having pukers in his classroom. I honestly don't think I would be this freaked out by it if it weren't for that horrible one I had just before my wedding - every twenty minutes coming out both ends for 8 hours. It was a horrible stomach bug and I don't ever want that again. The last one I had was the same but it only lasted 6 hours and I think I was maybe doing it once an hour? I think if it were the kind that I got as a kid where I only puked 2 or 3 times and that was ALL, I wouldn't be this freaked out. The superbugs we have now are ridiculous. And scary for me. The obsessing that I do is just stupid. And then I beat myself up and say that's why God never let me have kids because I'm too much of a freak. But I really am a good person and I would have been a good mother. I know that I would have. And maybe having kids would have helped me get over some of this germ phobia. Or not. I have friends who are totally phobic and still manage to function just fine with their kids.
On the bright side: I have not had a cold since June! I made it through all the wrapping of the holiday season (80 hours in two and a half weeks) without catching a cold! How much does my immune system rock? Well, hand sanitizing like a mofo helped. Also, it didn't seem like we saw very many sickies this season. People seemed generally healthier. I'm sure that contributed as well. And 8 hours of a sleep a night. Gargling at the end of every day. Taking my vitamins and getting a few extra supplements in. I had that weird bacterial throat infection in October, but that doesn't count because it wasn't a cold. I think I did good! Very happy with how healthy this year has been compared to last year!
Wishing everyone a safe and happy new year!
The whole time that I've been typing this, I've felt fine for the most part. So distraction helps, which tells me that it's not a bug. With a bug, there would be NO distraction. I hate that I only come here to vent, but that is really why I need this journal - so I have a place to come. This way my husband doesn't have to know how truly bad I've gotten (he really suspects). I don't have to talk to anyone about it. My dad and brother will always talk things through with me without being judgemental (my mom TOTALLY is - if I call her, she'll go on and on and on about how "bad" I am and how much I need "help"...thanks), but I don't like to call them unless I'm really super bad. Since my brother always says the same things to reassure me, I can just use those to self talk myself. My nephew is almost 7. He's been in pre-school since he was a few months old and he's now in 1st grade. He has never (knock on wood) had the stomach flu. That's 7 years. My brother, who is an elementary school teacher, hasn't had the stomach flu since we were kids. That includes having pukers in his classroom. I honestly don't think I would be this freaked out by it if it weren't for that horrible one I had just before my wedding - every twenty minutes coming out both ends for 8 hours. It was a horrible stomach bug and I don't ever want that again. The last one I had was the same but it only lasted 6 hours and I think I was maybe doing it once an hour? I think if it were the kind that I got as a kid where I only puked 2 or 3 times and that was ALL, I wouldn't be this freaked out. The superbugs we have now are ridiculous. And scary for me. The obsessing that I do is just stupid. And then I beat myself up and say that's why God never let me have kids because I'm too much of a freak. But I really am a good person and I would have been a good mother. I know that I would have. And maybe having kids would have helped me get over some of this germ phobia. Or not. I have friends who are totally phobic and still manage to function just fine with their kids.
On the bright side: I have not had a cold since June! I made it through all the wrapping of the holiday season (80 hours in two and a half weeks) without catching a cold! How much does my immune system rock? Well, hand sanitizing like a mofo helped. Also, it didn't seem like we saw very many sickies this season. People seemed generally healthier. I'm sure that contributed as well. And 8 hours of a sleep a night. Gargling at the end of every day. Taking my vitamins and getting a few extra supplements in. I had that weird bacterial throat infection in October, but that doesn't count because it wasn't a cold. I think I did good! Very happy with how healthy this year has been compared to last year!
Wishing everyone a safe and happy new year!