Happy Days
I suck at coming up with titles. But you know that by now. I also suck at posting updates. The whole point of this journal was to help me work through the shit in my head and I don't use it like I should. My germaphobia has reached new heights. As in, almost kept me from going to Disneyland new heights. Unbelievable. All I could think about was - what if I go and end up with the stomach flu?? IT'S FUCKING DISNEYLAND. My FAVORITE place to go. So I forced myself to go and it was FUN. But it was hot and I sweat like crazy and was sick to my tummy at times, but whatever - I had FUN. That's the whole point. It put me in a time crunch for Saturday, though. I had to clean the entire house by myself to get ready for Game Night (we have people over once a month). I was a stressed out bundle of nerves and guess what added to it? Oh, that lovely monthly friend. You know the one - comes every month even though you hate her and she seriously wears on your nerves and is a literal pain. So I'm downing ibuprofen for the immense pain, which adds to my tiredness, and my head starts that loop - you're so tired, why are you so tired? It's not normal to be tired (after you spent twelve hours walking around Disneyland the day before on seven hours of sleep and then got up to clean the entire house with that monthly visitor). UGH. Just such self loathing. But I pushed through. I called in sick to work on Sunday because I was exhausted and I had done it to myself so my husband got pissed (he's not sympathetic to me at all and I really just get on his nerves...mostly I think if he could figure out how to keep the animals and get out of alimony, he'd be out the door already). Tough. Just because he goes to work sick and infects everyone doesn't mean I'm going to be the same. But I'm not sick. Just worn out. I'll feel better by the end of the week, I'm sure.
When I taught today, I thought I was going to puke. I started to sweat and panic. As soon as I got out of class, I walked past the cafeteria and smelled the pizza. My thought was "oh, that smells delicious." So. Not sick. Then when I started freaking out about maybe getting the stomach flu (which isn't even going around in SoCal right now), I just kept telling myself that my brother is a full-time teacher with sick, germy little fourth graders and he has been for a decade now and hasn't caught the stomach flu once. Not once. I have wonky jewish intestines (thanks Dad!) and there is a delicate balance that goes on. When I stray from my healthy eating at all, I suffer. And I strayed. Dramatically. Brownies from game night. I would say that I consumed a full dozen of those suckers in two days. Too much for this system, especially when I wasn't getting enough veggies and fruit. The whole thing is messed up and will take a good week to get back on track even though I haven't missed my probiotics.
Is it stupid that I think about NOT moving north because I fear that cities with colder weather like Portland or Seattle will have a higher incidence of the stomach flu? Maybe I need to become bulimic so I get over that damn fear. What if? What if I vomit? SO WHAT! It's eight hours and it is OVER. It takes a week for my system to get back on line but it does. The last stomach flu that I had only lasted for six hours. I threw up six times. That's not bad. I can take an anti-anxiety and just sack out in-between pukes. Just typing the word 'vomit' or 'puke' makes me break into a cold sweat. So beyond stupid.
I wish that I could get through one full week without thinking about the stomach flu. One week without obsessing over something that I haven't had for a year and a half. Really.
Roasted veggies and homemade hummus for dinner tonight. So. Back on track with the healthy eating.
When I taught today, I thought I was going to puke. I started to sweat and panic. As soon as I got out of class, I walked past the cafeteria and smelled the pizza. My thought was "oh, that smells delicious." So. Not sick. Then when I started freaking out about maybe getting the stomach flu (which isn't even going around in SoCal right now), I just kept telling myself that my brother is a full-time teacher with sick, germy little fourth graders and he has been for a decade now and hasn't caught the stomach flu once. Not once. I have wonky jewish intestines (thanks Dad!) and there is a delicate balance that goes on. When I stray from my healthy eating at all, I suffer. And I strayed. Dramatically. Brownies from game night. I would say that I consumed a full dozen of those suckers in two days. Too much for this system, especially when I wasn't getting enough veggies and fruit. The whole thing is messed up and will take a good week to get back on track even though I haven't missed my probiotics.
Is it stupid that I think about NOT moving north because I fear that cities with colder weather like Portland or Seattle will have a higher incidence of the stomach flu? Maybe I need to become bulimic so I get over that damn fear. What if? What if I vomit? SO WHAT! It's eight hours and it is OVER. It takes a week for my system to get back on line but it does. The last stomach flu that I had only lasted for six hours. I threw up six times. That's not bad. I can take an anti-anxiety and just sack out in-between pukes. Just typing the word 'vomit' or 'puke' makes me break into a cold sweat. So beyond stupid.
I wish that I could get through one full week without thinking about the stomach flu. One week without obsessing over something that I haven't had for a year and a half. Really.
Roasted veggies and homemade hummus for dinner tonight. So. Back on track with the healthy eating.