what lies ahead....
i asked several of my friends to pray for me last night. and, to all of you, thank you.
i had a very difficult decision to make. though, i thought it would be more difficult than it ended up being.
i knew that i was strong enough to walk away. i've done it before. i knew that i would be good, eventually, that i can be good without him. but after yesterday, i didn't know if i was strong enough to stay.
i decided i am. it was actually rather silly when i looked at it, as if the "yes, you are" had been sitting there a long time just waiting on me.
yesterday i experienced far more emotion than any one day should hold. i went from worry to surprise to shock to anger to betrayal to shame to sadness to hurt. and the hurt lingered a bit, but by that point numbness was starting to take over. thus i spent a large portion of last night numb.....and when that started to warm up, the hurt was back. that is what remains.
i'm not sure right now how to make that hurt go away. but i feel comfort in the fact that i have made my decision. and that i feel deep down that it is the right decision to make. he told me last night that i needed to decide what was right for me and he would honor that. i did. i'm staying. and in staying, i am promising to work on dealing with this. i am promising, to him and to myself, that i will try my best to learn to trust him again. and he is going to try to deserve that trust.
a long while ago i made a list of the things upon which i would never compromise in a relationship. yesterday i was very much reminded of a few of them:
-he must work to be a better man
-he must help me to be a better person
-he must accept me working on my faults
-he must choose to work on his
i have those. because he brings them. and it is not always easy.
this fight yesterday, i can't blame him for it all. i have been trying to work on my own insecurities and they added to this....fuel to the flame. i suppose there should be some measure of reassurance for myself that i didn't start the fire, that i wasn't the spark? i don't feel any. i watched someone i love have to hurt someone else because it was hurting me. there's no reassurance for that. there is no justification for my actions that brought the fire to both our attention. there is also no justification for continuing the 'fire' analogy any further... :-)
he did something incredibly stupid. but to throw away everything we have, all that we've worked on, together.....well that would be just as stupid on my part.
i can't say what is right for me in everything. i don't think any of us truly can. i don't know what will happen next month, next year, next decade. but i am going to figure out what is right for the current moment, the current situation. beyond staying. beyond existing. beyond 'ok'. and one day, beyond 'good'. i'm ready for 'great'. it is not something i think will be easy. but tom actually said something incredibly profound yesterday (shock!). he said he didn't mind fighting with me, because we were fighting *for something*. we're fighting for us, for how great this can be.
so i'm going to think today. reason. and try to figure out what it is i can do, what i need him to do, to make this hurt subside. and then tonight, i'm gonna let it go for a while. enjoy Bones and House. work on my blanket. snuggle with my Fighter.
and above all else, be grateful for the chance at another 5 months.
i had a very difficult decision to make. though, i thought it would be more difficult than it ended up being.
i knew that i was strong enough to walk away. i've done it before. i knew that i would be good, eventually, that i can be good without him. but after yesterday, i didn't know if i was strong enough to stay.
i decided i am. it was actually rather silly when i looked at it, as if the "yes, you are" had been sitting there a long time just waiting on me.
yesterday i experienced far more emotion than any one day should hold. i went from worry to surprise to shock to anger to betrayal to shame to sadness to hurt. and the hurt lingered a bit, but by that point numbness was starting to take over. thus i spent a large portion of last night numb.....and when that started to warm up, the hurt was back. that is what remains.
i'm not sure right now how to make that hurt go away. but i feel comfort in the fact that i have made my decision. and that i feel deep down that it is the right decision to make. he told me last night that i needed to decide what was right for me and he would honor that. i did. i'm staying. and in staying, i am promising to work on dealing with this. i am promising, to him and to myself, that i will try my best to learn to trust him again. and he is going to try to deserve that trust.
a long while ago i made a list of the things upon which i would never compromise in a relationship. yesterday i was very much reminded of a few of them:
-he must work to be a better man
-he must help me to be a better person
-he must accept me working on my faults
-he must choose to work on his
i have those. because he brings them. and it is not always easy.
this fight yesterday, i can't blame him for it all. i have been trying to work on my own insecurities and they added to this....fuel to the flame. i suppose there should be some measure of reassurance for myself that i didn't start the fire, that i wasn't the spark? i don't feel any. i watched someone i love have to hurt someone else because it was hurting me. there's no reassurance for that. there is no justification for my actions that brought the fire to both our attention. there is also no justification for continuing the 'fire' analogy any further... :-)
he did something incredibly stupid. but to throw away everything we have, all that we've worked on, together.....well that would be just as stupid on my part.
i can't say what is right for me in everything. i don't think any of us truly can. i don't know what will happen next month, next year, next decade. but i am going to figure out what is right for the current moment, the current situation. beyond staying. beyond existing. beyond 'ok'. and one day, beyond 'good'. i'm ready for 'great'. it is not something i think will be easy. but tom actually said something incredibly profound yesterday (shock!). he said he didn't mind fighting with me, because we were fighting *for something*. we're fighting for us, for how great this can be.
so i'm going to think today. reason. and try to figure out what it is i can do, what i need him to do, to make this hurt subside. and then tonight, i'm gonna let it go for a while. enjoy Bones and House. work on my blanket. snuggle with my Fighter.
and above all else, be grateful for the chance at another 5 months.