i can see what's coming...and i'm not saying it.
so whoever really doesn't give a shit about football, raise their hand. no one?
rob and i have been extremely...stressed. our relationship is really feeling the strain of the ocean. it's as if all relationships have rubber bands. a band that stretches between he and i. we've been testing that stretch for years. and some times it snaps. it has snapped a few times, but we seem to...mend it. to stick with this metaphor. but it's never been stretched as far as this before. and because of that, we're experience a whole new set of problems.
and i know that every couple is going to go through this. and i do admit that most of the fault lies with me, i've been short tempered and i snap and become annoyed at the drop of a hat. but there are factors. such as that whenever we talk it's always passed 2:00AM. that's a huge strain on a person, to have such a fucked up sleeping pattern. and it's worth it, but he doesn't seem to understand how it works...how much i'm sacraficing. and i want to, because i need him. but i inevitabley end up grouchy because it's late. everyone in this country is either already asleep, or drunk.
last night we got into the biggest fight yet. the night before i had come home and was pretty tipsy so unwittingly started an argument with him about his NEW CAR. barf. i'm just...annoyed. annoyed that he made the decision to buy a car in about a week. and this is after he tells me he can't afford a new computer to talk to me with or to buy a ticket to come visit me.
women of the universe...wouldn't this piss you off? wouldn't it hurt you?
but anyway, i had felt badly about going off on him the night before, so yesterday i decided to try my absolute hardest to be sweetness and light. i think i did a pretty good job. i even got his valentine's day present shipped out. then...ugh, the super bowl made it all go downhill.
i knew it would. i shouldn't've called. but then, that wouldn't make me caroline. i'd be some other girlfriend. maybe a rational one. who knows.
but i called. 2:30AM here, which makes it 9:30PM there. he didn't answer. i called him about 15 minutes later and still no answer. i should've gone to bed, but i waited until i knew the game was over and called him. he wasn't picking up and the phone wasn't even ringing more than once, so i called about 3 times in a row. finally he picks up and tells me that he was on the phone with Jack. and then proceeds to put me on hold so he can talk to dave.
it's about 3:30AM here by this time. i was annoyed with a capital A. maybe that's irrational, he thought so.
long story short: fight. i got bitchy because he was pulling this not answering his phone thing, and he was mad at me for being mad. i didn't want to fight, i was so pissed off that we were fighting. it's so hard to have a relationship like this. and it's ALWAYS hard. it's hard at bona's too. but with the time difference here, it's even more fragile.
he got so frustrated with me (claims he didn't lose his temper) when he misheard me say something he thought was directed towards him, that he hung up on me.
i have a big big huge pet peeve about being hung up on. it's beyond a pet peeve. it makes me hysterical. a method for him to sedate me, this isn't it.
i really didn't want to call him back, it was weak and i knew it. he can't get a hold of me, that's a big problem with this situation. i have to do all the communicating. so it feels like he's not trying enough, not meeting me halfway. most of the time he won't even go online for me.
i'm not doing my best "people-person" skills while i'm here in ireland, and i depend heavily on my relationship with rob. probably too heavily. that is my fault. but it's killing us. him losing his temper is killing it.
when he hung up on me, a line was crossed. he once promised me that he'd never hang up on me again. (after a particularly ugly episode when we last broke up and hanging up on me was his favorite activity.)
i admit that i am absolutely NO picnic. i am like a picnic of vikings and cave men. i am not an easy woman to deal with. i get cranky over nothing and need pacifying. he's usually terrific at it, but when he loses his patience, he really loses it. i know i can be awful. but when he hung up on me, he lost a certain amount of trust.
and what's more, i think he knows...and i think he's okay with it.
we're not talking tonight. i told him i couldn't call him. and won't call him until he somehow communicates to me that he wants me to. that's the thing, he's never as concerned about the communication as i am. maybe it's a guy thing, or maybe he knows when he does talk to me that it's going to be a disaster and he wants to avoid it.
either way.
"A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark." -Woody Allen
no, i don't think we're a dead shark. but i do think something needs to change. i've only been here for a month. i have 2 more. and i need to work on it, or it's not gonna work. i do think it's mostly me. but there's gotta be someone for me to be angry with in order to be angry.
hopefully i can gain some strength from something. i need strength. this would be a good time to be Rogue. strength not to call him in my whiney times of neediness. strength to let him know that i'm not weak. mentally or emotionally. i'm not. it's just that if i know i have a crutch, i'm going to use it. because it makes me feel better.
i very much hope i can do this.
i think we depend on it.
rob and i have been extremely...stressed. our relationship is really feeling the strain of the ocean. it's as if all relationships have rubber bands. a band that stretches between he and i. we've been testing that stretch for years. and some times it snaps. it has snapped a few times, but we seem to...mend it. to stick with this metaphor. but it's never been stretched as far as this before. and because of that, we're experience a whole new set of problems.
and i know that every couple is going to go through this. and i do admit that most of the fault lies with me, i've been short tempered and i snap and become annoyed at the drop of a hat. but there are factors. such as that whenever we talk it's always passed 2:00AM. that's a huge strain on a person, to have such a fucked up sleeping pattern. and it's worth it, but he doesn't seem to understand how it works...how much i'm sacraficing. and i want to, because i need him. but i inevitabley end up grouchy because it's late. everyone in this country is either already asleep, or drunk.
last night we got into the biggest fight yet. the night before i had come home and was pretty tipsy so unwittingly started an argument with him about his NEW CAR. barf. i'm just...annoyed. annoyed that he made the decision to buy a car in about a week. and this is after he tells me he can't afford a new computer to talk to me with or to buy a ticket to come visit me.
women of the universe...wouldn't this piss you off? wouldn't it hurt you?
but anyway, i had felt badly about going off on him the night before, so yesterday i decided to try my absolute hardest to be sweetness and light. i think i did a pretty good job. i even got his valentine's day present shipped out. then...ugh, the super bowl made it all go downhill.
i knew it would. i shouldn't've called. but then, that wouldn't make me caroline. i'd be some other girlfriend. maybe a rational one. who knows.
but i called. 2:30AM here, which makes it 9:30PM there. he didn't answer. i called him about 15 minutes later and still no answer. i should've gone to bed, but i waited until i knew the game was over and called him. he wasn't picking up and the phone wasn't even ringing more than once, so i called about 3 times in a row. finally he picks up and tells me that he was on the phone with Jack. and then proceeds to put me on hold so he can talk to dave.
it's about 3:30AM here by this time. i was annoyed with a capital A. maybe that's irrational, he thought so.
long story short: fight. i got bitchy because he was pulling this not answering his phone thing, and he was mad at me for being mad. i didn't want to fight, i was so pissed off that we were fighting. it's so hard to have a relationship like this. and it's ALWAYS hard. it's hard at bona's too. but with the time difference here, it's even more fragile.
he got so frustrated with me (claims he didn't lose his temper) when he misheard me say something he thought was directed towards him, that he hung up on me.
i have a big big huge pet peeve about being hung up on. it's beyond a pet peeve. it makes me hysterical. a method for him to sedate me, this isn't it.
i really didn't want to call him back, it was weak and i knew it. he can't get a hold of me, that's a big problem with this situation. i have to do all the communicating. so it feels like he's not trying enough, not meeting me halfway. most of the time he won't even go online for me.
i'm not doing my best "people-person" skills while i'm here in ireland, and i depend heavily on my relationship with rob. probably too heavily. that is my fault. but it's killing us. him losing his temper is killing it.
when he hung up on me, a line was crossed. he once promised me that he'd never hang up on me again. (after a particularly ugly episode when we last broke up and hanging up on me was his favorite activity.)
i admit that i am absolutely NO picnic. i am like a picnic of vikings and cave men. i am not an easy woman to deal with. i get cranky over nothing and need pacifying. he's usually terrific at it, but when he loses his patience, he really loses it. i know i can be awful. but when he hung up on me, he lost a certain amount of trust.
and what's more, i think he knows...and i think he's okay with it.
we're not talking tonight. i told him i couldn't call him. and won't call him until he somehow communicates to me that he wants me to. that's the thing, he's never as concerned about the communication as i am. maybe it's a guy thing, or maybe he knows when he does talk to me that it's going to be a disaster and he wants to avoid it.
either way.
"A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark." -Woody Allen
no, i don't think we're a dead shark. but i do think something needs to change. i've only been here for a month. i have 2 more. and i need to work on it, or it's not gonna work. i do think it's mostly me. but there's gotta be someone for me to be angry with in order to be angry.
hopefully i can gain some strength from something. i need strength. this would be a good time to be Rogue. strength not to call him in my whiney times of neediness. strength to let him know that i'm not weak. mentally or emotionally. i'm not. it's just that if i know i have a crutch, i'm going to use it. because it makes me feel better.
i very much hope i can do this.
i think we depend on it.