Ahhhhh yea
Ahhh well, I have decided that my son's love is more than enough to survive on. Everytime a girl gets close to my heart I push her away. Recently there has only been once acception, and I really do not want to hurt her like I have everyone else. Yes i know i am a coward for pushing ppl away, but hey if no one cares about me like that, I can't fall tottally in love and get crushed again! (where the fuck this came from I don't know. I think it's the Depeche Mode and popcorn talking). No more, just no more! After some serious self relection I see that I'm.........datadaDA! FUCKED UP! I do stuff to try and make sure I don't get hurt and all I do is hurt other that way! The question is, do I really want to be that kind of person. Hmmmmm......lemme think on that over night....NOT. The answer is NO! Ahhhh but what can I do about that? Wait here's some easy starters! STOP BEING A SLUT FOR ONE!-<----might need rehab for that one folks. How about stop flirting so much? What ever happened to the Jason that couldnt even get up the nerve to so much as TALK to a girl? You know the nice semi-shy one? he was a good guy. I'd really like to see him come back. Maybe not hiding guarding myself and emotions so bad? Therapy must look into it......Hmmmm....... I could get the guts up to apologize for the things I've done, I mean it's alot of bad stuff, jesus, Satan even has to be shaking his head at this point. What else can I do? I really don't know. I could .... do something really nice for the people I hurt, not for forgivness mind you, cause I don't give that lightly myself, and some of the stuff i did is pretty unforgivable,especailly that india ink think (dude, I know THAT one is going to end in revenge). Ahhh man I hate being serious, at least no one but Moe really reads this stuff anyway.....and she allways comments like 1.5 seconds later lol makes me feel special! What do you do when you don't like who you have become? I miss the old me =( the pre-Amy me. why do I feel the need to be so STUPID ( not pitty, *sigh* I really wish it was lol ) Damnit what is the first step to becoming the old me?
The only thing that really has not changed is that I will stand up for anyone who is being picked on meanly and won't fight back for themselves, at least there is one thing i still like about myself. I refuse to let others be picked on like i was. I grew up my whole life wishing I had friends, and when i finally do I push them away. Does that even make any fucking sense??? so WHAT do I do? I keep babbling thats what. No matter what I tell myself , I broke my own heart. I THINK I'm guarding it, but all i am doing is making myself hurt more. By hurting other people I care about I'm just hurting myslef It's not an easy thing to accept but I have to. I wish I could be cold and uncarring , then I would not care about what I am done. that time is gone, time to relize my mistakes and move on, if not for my sake then my son's at least. His birthday is on the 25th, he will be 3. He's getting so big, and so smart. I am really proud of him......and I want him to be proud of me.- guess it's back to the mental drawingboard-Jason
The only thing that really has not changed is that I will stand up for anyone who is being picked on meanly and won't fight back for themselves, at least there is one thing i still like about myself. I refuse to let others be picked on like i was. I grew up my whole life wishing I had friends, and when i finally do I push them away. Does that even make any fucking sense??? so WHAT do I do? I keep babbling thats what. No matter what I tell myself , I broke my own heart. I THINK I'm guarding it, but all i am doing is making myself hurt more. By hurting other people I care about I'm just hurting myslef It's not an easy thing to accept but I have to. I wish I could be cold and uncarring , then I would not care about what I am done. that time is gone, time to relize my mistakes and move on, if not for my sake then my son's at least. His birthday is on the 25th, he will be 3. He's getting so big, and so smart. I am really proud of him......and I want him to be proud of me.- guess it's back to the mental drawingboard-Jason