In the subject of: Moving On
SO. Moving on.
I'm trying to. really. Well, 'trying' being the keyword here.
I haven't met him since January... when I ended my 'rendezvous' with him... or simply cheating, according to my friends. What exactly do you call having dates and hugs and a lot of kisses behind his girlfriend back? Cheating it is. Then I met him again yesterday, accidentally... I was with my bestfriend. He was with another girl, that was sooo not his girlfriend (she's in Holland, studying law or something).
Have I told you he's a cheating bastard? No? He is.
But, really... cheating, in my mind, is well... predictable... I don't say it's a nice thing to do... but well, it happens... and I'm a little masochist, I love playing the miserable heroine that has been betrayed by the handsome prince that isn't actually that handsome. My friend says I'm twisted and a little crazy, I say fine, they still love me anyway. They do. Love me, that is.
Have I already know that he cheats frequently? I do. I did.
Back then, he was my boyfriend. I broke up with him because I was attracted to someone else, and it didn't - doesn't - sit right with me the idea of harboring a feeling towards another man - and probably doing something about that feeling - while you were having a boyfriend. I might say I can accept being cheated on, that doesn't mean I cheat. I don't. I'm a masochist not a sadist.
So... I made him cried back then... not just one tear, I made him bawl. I felt like a bad person. Still do. We broke up.
However, we still contacted each other, still going out sometimes...
Then he found a girlfriend. That's okay.
Then he still contacted me. still going out. and making out. a lot of making out.
Now. This doesn't sit right with me. So I quit.
The problem is... moving on...
Do I love him? I don't know. I don't even know whether I ever love someone (romantic love. I know I love my family and friend). My friends say I'm the ice-queen... They say I don't open my heart for anyone... independent to the point of intimidating...ignorant... aloof... weird... Well, my mother taught me so... She said: "A girl Has to be able to stand on her own feet" "If you can do it alone, why ask for help?". My mom is and independent woman... I always think that my mother is the kind of person who you throw out on a deserted island with nothing but clothes she wears, still come back alive and kick your ass. hahaha... I love her.
But, I do feel love. I think I'm a sensitive person. I just don't know how to express it with words. I was raised in a generally happy ideal family (there are some troubles, but we get through it - my mom make sure we get through it. LOL. Awesome, isn't she?), but we are a bunch of people who mind our own business... We don't say 'I love you' often - we never really say it really... So, the idea of 'Expressing Love' is somehow... uncomfortable... unsettling... weird...
Why are we talking about my aversion towards love? Now, back to him...
Do loved him? Yes. Maybe. But I love the idea of love more than I actually love him...
I thought I've moved on... No, not from him... I've moved on from him, long time ago... I still haven't moved on from memories... yeah... that...
I do think it's easy to deluding my self into thinking that I love him... than actually step out of my comfort zone and try to have a relationship with one of those men... yeah those... Why? Because I've been in a relationship with him. We didn't argue much. We respect each other. We gave each other free time. It was a pleasure being with him. He wanted a serious relationship, though... yeah... engagement... I was a kid at heart - still am - the idea of spending my life with one person scared me to death - still does. LOL - so, our relationship went downhill - in my opinion - and I broke up with him. But still... it was nice being with him... Not really a great company. but still nice...
Maybe that's why... That's why unconsciously I still don't wanna let him go - although I'm not blind with his rendezvous with women or the fact that he is actually become a rather arrogant bastard - because I hold on to that comfort.... Because finding another is a pain in the ass... because other men are not exactly better... because yesterday when he approached me and we had a little talk, I was sent back to that comfortable place... Because I still can see myself making out with him... LOL...
So yeah...
I miss him. But not exactly him.
My best friend says: "You need to create a new memory, then"
The question is: HOW?
I'm trying to. really. Well, 'trying' being the keyword here.
I haven't met him since January... when I ended my 'rendezvous' with him... or simply cheating, according to my friends. What exactly do you call having dates and hugs and a lot of kisses behind his girlfriend back? Cheating it is. Then I met him again yesterday, accidentally... I was with my bestfriend. He was with another girl, that was sooo not his girlfriend (she's in Holland, studying law or something).
Have I told you he's a cheating bastard? No? He is.
But, really... cheating, in my mind, is well... predictable... I don't say it's a nice thing to do... but well, it happens... and I'm a little masochist, I love playing the miserable heroine that has been betrayed by the handsome prince that isn't actually that handsome. My friend says I'm twisted and a little crazy, I say fine, they still love me anyway. They do. Love me, that is.
Have I already know that he cheats frequently? I do. I did.
Back then, he was my boyfriend. I broke up with him because I was attracted to someone else, and it didn't - doesn't - sit right with me the idea of harboring a feeling towards another man - and probably doing something about that feeling - while you were having a boyfriend. I might say I can accept being cheated on, that doesn't mean I cheat. I don't. I'm a masochist not a sadist.
So... I made him cried back then... not just one tear, I made him bawl. I felt like a bad person. Still do. We broke up.
However, we still contacted each other, still going out sometimes...
Then he found a girlfriend. That's okay.
Then he still contacted me. still going out. and making out. a lot of making out.
Now. This doesn't sit right with me. So I quit.
The problem is... moving on...
Do I love him? I don't know. I don't even know whether I ever love someone (romantic love. I know I love my family and friend). My friends say I'm the ice-queen... They say I don't open my heart for anyone... independent to the point of intimidating...ignorant... aloof... weird... Well, my mother taught me so... She said: "A girl Has to be able to stand on her own feet" "If you can do it alone, why ask for help?". My mom is and independent woman... I always think that my mother is the kind of person who you throw out on a deserted island with nothing but clothes she wears, still come back alive and kick your ass. hahaha... I love her.
But, I do feel love. I think I'm a sensitive person. I just don't know how to express it with words. I was raised in a generally happy ideal family (there are some troubles, but we get through it - my mom make sure we get through it. LOL. Awesome, isn't she?), but we are a bunch of people who mind our own business... We don't say 'I love you' often - we never really say it really... So, the idea of 'Expressing Love' is somehow... uncomfortable... unsettling... weird...
Why are we talking about my aversion towards love? Now, back to him...
Do loved him? Yes. Maybe. But I love the idea of love more than I actually love him...
I thought I've moved on... No, not from him... I've moved on from him, long time ago... I still haven't moved on from memories... yeah... that...
I do think it's easy to deluding my self into thinking that I love him... than actually step out of my comfort zone and try to have a relationship with one of those men... yeah those... Why? Because I've been in a relationship with him. We didn't argue much. We respect each other. We gave each other free time. It was a pleasure being with him. He wanted a serious relationship, though... yeah... engagement... I was a kid at heart - still am - the idea of spending my life with one person scared me to death - still does. LOL - so, our relationship went downhill - in my opinion - and I broke up with him. But still... it was nice being with him... Not really a great company. but still nice...
Maybe that's why... That's why unconsciously I still don't wanna let him go - although I'm not blind with his rendezvous with women or the fact that he is actually become a rather arrogant bastard - because I hold on to that comfort.... Because finding another is a pain in the ass... because other men are not exactly better... because yesterday when he approached me and we had a little talk, I was sent back to that comfortable place... Because I still can see myself making out with him... LOL...
So yeah...
I miss him. But not exactly him.
My best friend says: "You need to create a new memory, then"
The question is: HOW?