(no subject)
So. I don't know who I am anymore. It's a big statement, but it's so fucking true. I'm pretty sure that my emotional state depends completely on what others say to me. If I hurt somebody and regret it, I can't get anything done. Nothing. I mope around, feeling an ulcer tearing at the inside of my gut, and try and calm down. It doesn't ever work. The only sure cure I've found so far are drugs, which I don't have access to anymore, and a good night's sleep. But then, in the morning after I've slept my old emotions off, I've made it all too possible for the same thing to happen tomorrow.
I love my girlfriend. With everything inside me I'm convinced that she's the one I want to marry someday. I'm not worried about becoming some stupid underage premadonna (sp?) like those teens on "Engaged and Underage"; I'm not that dense; I'm not naive enough to let something like that go down.
And so it goes. Our 17 month anniversary is coming up. When I spend time with her I can be on Cloud Nine, or in my own personal Hell. We have huge communication issues sometimes and I'm stuck sitting there staring at her thinking, "Oh my Fucking Christ. This is happening again. Why the fuck is this happening again?!"
My patience is wearing thin. She's got her vices and God knows, wherever the fuck He thinks He may be, I've got my own. I miss my valium. My Grandmother once told me that I should be careful; she said that our family has had a history of drug abuse problems. Yeah. It's true. I'm addicted. I love Pot, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Hash, and shitloads of Prescription Drugs. I've tried a lot of them. From Codine in cough syrup to Painkiller cocktails, I love them.
But surprisingly enough, I'm addicted to her. And, surprisingly enough, it hurts.
I'm fucking miserable. I really, honest to God, don't know who I am anymore. I can't play like I do, because I have NO clue. I'm confident just because I have to be. I can hold on and bullshit my way through life day after day and still end up sitting at home obsessing over stupid love-related bullshit.
I'm afraid to be alone, but I'm afraid to be by myself. What the hell can I do? There's nobody to turn to anymore. I can't go to my guy friends about this stuff. They won't have any worth while advice for me to take, and on top of it they'll try and fail miserably. That'll just piss me off more. The two girl friends I used to have are practically unreachable and don't/can't/won't be able to help me through any shit. Besides, let's be realistic, you can't mail over your shoulder or loan it to me for a day when you're off work; friendships don't work like that.
I'm being to honest. I tell people what I think and it makes them low. People tell me what they think and I get defensive. I'm a hypocrite.
ALL I WANT IS A LOYAL GIRL WHO LOVES ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE HER. IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU NOW? WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO US? I HATE HOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU DO ME AND HOW I CAN'T STAND THE RELATIONSHIP NEARLY ALL THE TIME UNLESS I'M DRUNK OR HIGH.
I want my care-free back.
I want my self-esteem back.
I want me back. Where am I?
FUCK. I can't even sit down and fucking write anymore! No more contemplations or abstract thoughts. I can't even get my fucking homework done unless I'm not thinking of you. How is it that you, of all fucking people, have this hold on me? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! I'M FUCKING ANTHONY CATALANO GOD DAMNIT! I USED TO BE THE MOST STABLE MOTHERFUCKER! I USED TO HELP PEOPLE WITH THIS SHIT! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAPPENED TO ME, HUH? WHY AM I THE ONE WHO IS LOST?!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME! I WAS ME! FUCKING HELL I WAS ME!
I love my girlfriend. With everything inside me I'm convinced that she's the one I want to marry someday. I'm not worried about becoming some stupid underage premadonna (sp?) like those teens on "Engaged and Underage"; I'm not that dense; I'm not naive enough to let something like that go down.
And so it goes. Our 17 month anniversary is coming up. When I spend time with her I can be on Cloud Nine, or in my own personal Hell. We have huge communication issues sometimes and I'm stuck sitting there staring at her thinking, "Oh my Fucking Christ. This is happening again. Why the fuck is this happening again?!"
My patience is wearing thin. She's got her vices and God knows, wherever the fuck He thinks He may be, I've got my own. I miss my valium. My Grandmother once told me that I should be careful; she said that our family has had a history of drug abuse problems. Yeah. It's true. I'm addicted. I love Pot, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Hash, and shitloads of Prescription Drugs. I've tried a lot of them. From Codine in cough syrup to Painkiller cocktails, I love them.
But surprisingly enough, I'm addicted to her. And, surprisingly enough, it hurts.
I'm fucking miserable. I really, honest to God, don't know who I am anymore. I can't play like I do, because I have NO clue. I'm confident just because I have to be. I can hold on and bullshit my way through life day after day and still end up sitting at home obsessing over stupid love-related bullshit.
I'm afraid to be alone, but I'm afraid to be by myself. What the hell can I do? There's nobody to turn to anymore. I can't go to my guy friends about this stuff. They won't have any worth while advice for me to take, and on top of it they'll try and fail miserably. That'll just piss me off more. The two girl friends I used to have are practically unreachable and don't/can't/won't be able to help me through any shit. Besides, let's be realistic, you can't mail over your shoulder or loan it to me for a day when you're off work; friendships don't work like that.
I'm being to honest. I tell people what I think and it makes them low. People tell me what they think and I get defensive. I'm a hypocrite.
ALL I WANT IS A LOYAL GIRL WHO LOVES ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE HER. IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU NOW? WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO US? I HATE HOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU DO ME AND HOW I CAN'T STAND THE RELATIONSHIP NEARLY ALL THE TIME UNLESS I'M DRUNK OR HIGH.
I want my care-free back.
I want my self-esteem back.
I want me back. Where am I?
FUCK. I can't even sit down and fucking write anymore! No more contemplations or abstract thoughts. I can't even get my fucking homework done unless I'm not thinking of you. How is it that you, of all fucking people, have this hold on me? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! I'M FUCKING ANTHONY CATALANO GOD DAMNIT! I USED TO BE THE MOST STABLE MOTHERFUCKER! I USED TO HELP PEOPLE WITH THIS SHIT! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAPPENED TO ME, HUH? WHY AM I THE ONE WHO IS LOST?!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME! I WAS ME! FUCKING HELL I WAS ME!