passing through
Ever look back at LJ entries you made years ago, and suddenly find yourself reminded of things you'd all but totally forgotten had ever happened? Or maybe there were things you knew you'd never forget, but looking back at whatever words or pictures you had to share at that time just puts your life in some kind of perspective-it stretches out before you, and you can feel its texture. I get that a lot when I look back at certain things, mostly from the time I spent living in San Francisco. Beyond that, aside from some very noteworthy times I definitely should have written about in some manner, I think my life slipped into a void of sorts. I stopped wanting to document the events of my life, and preferred to live in relative solitude. I still reached out to the world in other ways, but suffice to say I had lost the desire to talk about myself, at least around here. For a while I felt it was better this way; I had failed, after all the talking I used to do about my touristy dalliances and absurd aspirations. I felt like a fraud. So many people I talk to on LJ are Real People with interesting jobs and artistic inclinations, and I was always just a pretender, not even good enough to call himself a "critic" of anything. And yet, still, I feel like I've seen my share of things. I don't know how much more I have to say just yet, but I believe I've passed through this particular void.
Over the course of this last year I've been gradually mustering up a kind of hope I feel I've scarcely known in my life. This is both in regard to the way I perceive myself and what I want out of life, and in regard to what seems to have become a very real thing-a thing I thought I might never really experience. In short, this seems to be the year where I finally start to love myself again, and suddenly rediscover the possibility that someone else might actually love me (the way I've wanted to be loved), too. For a while it wasn't a sure thing, being a typical "talking on the internet" situation, but it has developed into something far more real. And I'm happier than I have been in about as long as I can remember.
I still have a penchant for writing about things a bit vaguely here, apparently. To be more to the point, I've met someone-her name is Garance, and she's amazing. There's more to say about plans I have for the near future (a quick run-down: I'm back in school, might have work soon, going to New York with Garance to see SWANS live twice in a couple weeks!!!), but this will do for now.
Over the course of this last year I've been gradually mustering up a kind of hope I feel I've scarcely known in my life. This is both in regard to the way I perceive myself and what I want out of life, and in regard to what seems to have become a very real thing-a thing I thought I might never really experience. In short, this seems to be the year where I finally start to love myself again, and suddenly rediscover the possibility that someone else might actually love me (the way I've wanted to be loved), too. For a while it wasn't a sure thing, being a typical "talking on the internet" situation, but it has developed into something far more real. And I'm happier than I have been in about as long as I can remember.
I still have a penchant for writing about things a bit vaguely here, apparently. To be more to the point, I've met someone-her name is Garance, and she's amazing. There's more to say about plans I have for the near future (a quick run-down: I'm back in school, might have work soon, going to New York with Garance to see SWANS live twice in a couple weeks!!!), but this will do for now.