Master and Submissive, Part Two; Apologies and Faults
Last night was the first time I had seen My Master since I came to this conclusion, since I have gained this resolve to do My best. During the course of the evening, he was rude to Me three times, and three times I let it go. After the last one, I excused Myself, and hid in a different room with a book. I had planned to stay in there until I was no longer irritated with him, for I did not wish to snap at him and cause trouble.
He came in to check on Me after some time, and by this time, I was ready to rejoin the party. Rather than lie to him, I told him the truth, that he had hurt Me with his rudeness on more than one occasion. He listened to My complaints, and addressed each one, explaining to Me why he behaved the way he did. I understood him, but I still wanted an apology. When I began to speak again, he became angry and told Me that he was in no mood to argue. I was taking time away from him and his other Lovers, and I was making his life difficult.
After he left the room, I wept into a pillow, trying to muffle My pain. I tried to think of what I did wrong, I reviewed our conversation in My head, contemplating the event with the knowledge that I was wrong, and trying to see how. Yet, despite My efforts, My mind kept coming back to the fact that he did not apologize. He did not care that I was hurt -- I was wrong, and I was causing trouble, and that was all.
When I had regained My calm, I rejoined everyone. Apologizing for My absence, I explained that I had gotten distracted by My book. He sat on the couch with his other Lover-Submissive, and I passed by them with a smile and engaged the one other person in the room, the girl's Mother. She and I talked and laughed about our respective life experiences, and by the time we were to leave, I was completely calm.
When we got to our house, I excused Myself again, muttering something about having work to do online. I sat at the computer, and played Solitaire. He entered the room, and looked at Me with something close to concern in his eyes. As My self-control was slipping, he asked if I felt as though I was loved.
Of course I did not.
The tears that I had been holding back, the pain I was not allowing Myself to feel, the depression I was trying to ignore, all came crashing at Me at once, and as he held Me in his arms, I wept, great sobs that shook My entire body against his. He told Me that he loved Me, that I was loved. I blubbered something, tried to tell him how I was hurt.
He left the room, and his other Lover-Submissive came in. She comforted Me, asked Me what was wrong. As I tried to tell her, I went into hysterics, My chest convulsing, unable to breathe, falling apart. I told her about the Samurai and My resolution, and how it seemed to not be making a difference. I did not expect this to be easy, but I was unprepared for the bitter anguish that overwhelmed Me.
What now? I must continue, of course. I do not believe that I can deal with these emotions, but I must. The question that remains is, How? How do I keep Myself from breaking? I cannot simply detach Myself, as that would contradict My goal of opening up and committing Myself -- emotional distance was one of the complaints he had made. Confronting him when I feel wronged is selfish, the very habit I am trying to break. All I can do now is repeat, almost religiously, the mantra, "He loves Me."
I do not know if I can make Myself believe it.
He came in to check on Me after some time, and by this time, I was ready to rejoin the party. Rather than lie to him, I told him the truth, that he had hurt Me with his rudeness on more than one occasion. He listened to My complaints, and addressed each one, explaining to Me why he behaved the way he did. I understood him, but I still wanted an apology. When I began to speak again, he became angry and told Me that he was in no mood to argue. I was taking time away from him and his other Lovers, and I was making his life difficult.
After he left the room, I wept into a pillow, trying to muffle My pain. I tried to think of what I did wrong, I reviewed our conversation in My head, contemplating the event with the knowledge that I was wrong, and trying to see how. Yet, despite My efforts, My mind kept coming back to the fact that he did not apologize. He did not care that I was hurt -- I was wrong, and I was causing trouble, and that was all.
When I had regained My calm, I rejoined everyone. Apologizing for My absence, I explained that I had gotten distracted by My book. He sat on the couch with his other Lover-Submissive, and I passed by them with a smile and engaged the one other person in the room, the girl's Mother. She and I talked and laughed about our respective life experiences, and by the time we were to leave, I was completely calm.
When we got to our house, I excused Myself again, muttering something about having work to do online. I sat at the computer, and played Solitaire. He entered the room, and looked at Me with something close to concern in his eyes. As My self-control was slipping, he asked if I felt as though I was loved.
Of course I did not.
The tears that I had been holding back, the pain I was not allowing Myself to feel, the depression I was trying to ignore, all came crashing at Me at once, and as he held Me in his arms, I wept, great sobs that shook My entire body against his. He told Me that he loved Me, that I was loved. I blubbered something, tried to tell him how I was hurt.
He left the room, and his other Lover-Submissive came in. She comforted Me, asked Me what was wrong. As I tried to tell her, I went into hysterics, My chest convulsing, unable to breathe, falling apart. I told her about the Samurai and My resolution, and how it seemed to not be making a difference. I did not expect this to be easy, but I was unprepared for the bitter anguish that overwhelmed Me.
What now? I must continue, of course. I do not believe that I can deal with these emotions, but I must. The question that remains is, How? How do I keep Myself from breaking? I cannot simply detach Myself, as that would contradict My goal of opening up and committing Myself -- emotional distance was one of the complaints he had made. Confronting him when I feel wronged is selfish, the very habit I am trying to break. All I can do now is repeat, almost religiously, the mantra, "He loves Me."
I do not know if I can make Myself believe it.