Dragon Age: Marysueborn, Part 2A (Where the story actually begins)
Now it's time to spork! (Again)
You're in for a treat! This chapter is twenty times longer than the previous one and is all in all a big piece of infodump and Tamriel-Wanking! Wonderful, isn't it?
In all seriousness, I'm going to chop this in two/three parts so I don't go insane(r).
I'm going to drop the counters, specially the gramatical errors' one. The reason? Just be reading this whole chapter I'm confident it'd reach the 4 digit mark. The others won't fare that better. And that's just too depressing. For the sake of my sanity I'll divide the spork in 4-5 chops to allow me a bit of respite.
Let's see what lies ahead.
We get another disclaimer of I own nothing. Nothing new. And we get something that makes my blood boil in pure undistilled rage:
If you don't stand for something, you might fall for anything.
All the dead philosphers in history are rolling in their graves now. Like seriously, this isn't deep nor sounds intelligent nor makes me think... well it makes me thing how dumb the Author is to think we will find this deep but nevermind.
The chapter is numbered as a prequel... yeah, a prequel.
I know people yell at thesaurus abuse but this suethor clearly needs a dictionary to look at the words' meaning.
Nevertheless. Moving onward.
We open the scene in a ship where a nord captain 'attempts to educate the dragonborn on their destination' and if you find this sentence goddawful, so I do. Don't worry, the progression of the scene is FAR worse, being confusing at best and mindboggling at worse.
The mary sue starts striking. He is 'playfully secure'. And she just says Rag'Nar. Yeah, fucking Rag'Nar. Slap me like a ten-dollar hooker if you've seen a nordic NPC in skyrin or any elder scrolls game with that name. In any case it should be Ragnar, but that's a nitpick, despite it driving me mad (because it reminds me to yet another mary sue).
Then we get a non-sequitur and a really poor one to boot. The boat is moving and she says they've been travelling for five months. FIVE MONTHS.
That's some serious amount of travel, only the spanish and englishmen pulled that time, and the early brought gold and silver and the latter brought tea and spices... which was like saying gold and silver back in the day. And t- Okay, I better stop because I can see I'll spend a whole page divagating about how nonsensicall for an economical POV this voyage is.
But that's logical thinking, that kind of stuff has no place in the finest pieces of literature!
What is worse is what follows: apparently spending five months surrounded by men has been an interesting experience. To which my only answer can be LOLWUT!? Because I (and virtually anyone who hasn't read the following paragraph) will think she has slept down with the whole crew. If you know what I mean.
But no, apparently they are all married (lucky coincidence) and they are more afraid of her (the Mary sue) than of their wifes... which makes me feel weird for some reason. Then she says that anyone who dared to try anything funny would get chopped something. And if the maimed member wasn't already obvious the author feels like giving us an additional hint: something they'd miss dearly. So it's clear she wants to cut their thumbs, god that's horrible. You monster how can you cut someone's thumb!?
Luckily the tension died down quickly (because, really, the more time you've spent without having sex the lesser your desire to do it) and she has spent an hour half-hour arguing with the captain. And, right after a misussed semi-colon, we get that he's a Nord (dull surprise) and he's blond. Why this description comes right now is still anyone's guess. The following paragraph is dedicated to describing him as 'one of the most corteous nords' and he wears a simple but regal (which I feel is like an oxymoron) woven shirt and the rest of the attire. He's a born sailor and the author feels like saying 'But he always kept his patience and his men respected him.' God I feel this chapter insofar has only consisted of non-sequiturs. And do we care about one character whose role in the fic is going to be a third of this chapter? Fuck it all, this character is getting more spot light that what he should have. Move on!
More non sequiturs follow and we get a super-marysuery-overdose. Her eyes are SPECIAL because the sclera is black instead of red (WHY!?) and that makes them intoxicating... I actually find them unnerving but whatever, apparently any 'living breathing (hey, thanks for the specifications, I only need to hold my breath then to not find her hot then) male' finds her attractive (INCREDIBLY attractive). To add salt to injury she says there are women prettier than her. Add fake modesty to the list of offenses people!
And of course, her gear has to be SPECIAL (Fallout called by the way: they need the word SPECIAL back for the 4th game) too: she's DAWNING (god fucking christ) her usual but very alluring black hoodless black thieves' guild leather armour which is form fitting by the way.
God fucking dammit. Just for armor you use one,two,three... TEN words as description all in a single phrase. Let alone how snowflakey that armour sounds. I refuse to comment about that. Only know that an armor SHOULDN'T be form fitting, that means there's less protection for your body so its easier to wound you.
But the cake is taken by the weaponry: they are named moon's twilight and sun's eclipse.
Yeah, that's Robert 'Shovelface' Pattinson.
I have no words save Ole tus cojones for those goddawful names.
And urgh, another head hopping. You see, the story suddenly switches from Miara's mind to the Nord's to external person. Is annoying, really annoying.
We get what appears to be an attempt to sound edgy with: blades that had been well used during Skyrim's civil war (they cut a thousand lemons for charities!) And we get a lot of non-sequiturs. The mary sue tries to reassure (saying she's just travelling there for entertainment) the Nord, the captain says they'll miss their saviour (Ugh) and she dismisses it with YET more fake modesty, claiming that she was no saviour but 'just' a woman with two swords magic and tons of luck (goddammit, I swear I want to punch her).
The captain wonders about Ferelden and Thedas. Apparently the Tamrielithes are taught since childhood to not get close to that continent (some fucking convenient way to keep people at bay, because that stops a lot of people from coming, like the captain.) And the captain just trades simple wares and hasn't stayed for too long to find it out.
Do I need to point out how wrong this is? You just don't go and spend FIVE MONTHS to just sell simple wares. You'd ruin yourself with a single voyage. In addittion, you'd have to spend a lot of time: to sell the prodcuts and then resupply. You just cannot have your crew at sea for too long or else they'll die.
In the end, the captain just wishes the Divines look up for the mary sue. I second this motion, only that they must only look up to throw the nasties cataclysms they can.
And with this, the scene cuts and I stop. God Fucking Dammit, that was painful.