Review
The Queen's Blade, by T. C. Southwell
This is a self-published book, offered for free on the website. I'd like to point out that despite the flaws, I'm still enjoying this book, even if I'm laughing at half the content. So much potential. Such a flat landing for its face. The first half, anyway. The second half leaves a much better taste. Someday, this author might be up there with the rest of published authors. The author just isn't there yet. The part that caught my eye in the first place assassin protagonist. I have weakness for all things assassins. When done right, they can be some of the most memorable characters out there. Done like this assassin in the first half of the book, and..... Oh, dear.
The decent stuff content is ~50% of the first 30 pages. It goes up to ~60% up until pg. 50 or so. And up to pg. 90, the decent content is ~80%. The moments of brilliance become more frequent, as well. It's not a horrible book, it just has a lot of amatuer mistakes, which become fewer as the author writes more. Sure, the second half reached almost all of its potential, but reading it through the first time, I had no way of knowing that.
My impression after reading the first fifty or so pages was that it's a 3 out of 5 stars book. I wouldn't describe the book as mediocre. It swings between overdone and melodramatic to entertaining and riveting. Very different from Paolini and Meyer, with their consistent horror shows. I'd just like to mention that because this author is better than them. The reason I'm so dissappointed is because with heavy-duty editing, this could have been so much better. But it isn't. And it's heart-breaking because it could be.
The grammar and sentence structure is mistake-free, except for once. (As far as I can tell. But I'm no editor.) It does tell a story. But the melodrama Southwell wrings out of it is laugh-out-loud funny. Downright hilarious. (This is coming from someone who's ready to throw a sappy romance across the room two chapters into it. Put as much salt in this review as you want.)
The biggest problem is that Blade, an assassin, is a Gary Stu. Therefore, he is special. Therefore, everyone else in the book knows how special he is. Therefore, this fact is constantly drilled into the reader's head. Out of all the advisors, nobles, and servants in the entire castle, who does the queen take the most interest in? Why, Blade, of course. Who has the most angsty, tragic past? Blade. Who's the hottest in all the land? Blade. Who gets to get away with insulting the queen? Blade. Who got told how appropriate his name is? Blade. And since the author is head over heels for him, she makes him extra, extra special by devolving into purple prose/unnatural dialogue when his tragic past and he are involved.
Further problems include familiars. They are not animals or seperate entities. They are pre-packaged personalities for their owners. Someone has a snake for a familiar? They are going to be shifty and sneaky people. Also cold-hearted, because most assassins are snake people. Why? Because they have snakes. That means they're cold-hearted. Cow people are going to be big, calm, and strong. Crow people are going to be observant and clever. Ad nauseum.
This depedance on animals has too little impact on the world to be proper world-building. One of the nobles is a snake person. He carries his familiar with him wherever he goes. But what about the horse people? There's been no provisions for them to cart their familiars through the palace halls. The horses have to stay outside. And what happens when a wolf person runs into a sheep person? Do they hate each other? Absolutely nothing if plot requires them to get along, as illustrated by the cat queen and her dove advisor.
Blade is an assassin. But he's a cat person and cat people are rarely assassins, because they're not cold-hearted like snakes. The queen finds this interesting. And yes, he named himself Blade. That alone doesn't bother me. When a character names themselves, the kind of name they give themselves is a window into their personality. I'd say Blade is desperately trying to compensate for something. It's rather interesting. But when the author has other characters mention how appropriate that name is, I'm cringing because when that happens, I get the feeling the author thinks they are being dark and edgy and clever.
And he has an assassin tattoo. Like Captain Sparrow's P for pirate, this guy has a blade tattoo to mark him as an assassin. At least with Captain Sparrow, it wasn't voluntary, if I recall. Blade's tattoo is on his neck. Hopefully, these people have invented turtle necks or he's shit out of luck if he wants to walk around in public without his armour (which hides it).
Another huge fault is the Endless War. It's a war between the people in the nice, green countryside and the people living in the desert. There's mountains between them. And they've been fighting for many generations.
To be fair, it's said that rich people benefit from the war and that's why it hasn't stopped. That's reasonable. Mine owners, smiths, and such get rich from the war.
What's not reasonable is the scope that's hinted at. If that many battles with that many casualties really have been waged for that many generations, then both kingdoms should be pretty much out of poor people and have a men/women ratio of approximately 1 : 265. Either way, not enough is mentioned that I'm buying into the feasibility.
And the queen on the green, lush side has pledged to stop it. The nobles are in an uproar. That's reasonable. What's not reasonable is the queen, who was called intelligent by several characters, saying the pledge outloud and making herself a target like that. Especially since the only thing she's done about it is consult a seer and send seventeen people or so to go marching into the middle enemy camp, where the king can do this: "[he] gazed at the sea of armoured warriors that surrounded his desert camp." Good job, queen. Especially the part where you split them up into three groups, sending them one at a time. Brilliant plan. Why don't you send little girls to go kill dragons with man-sized spears? I bet they didn't make it past the sentries. But I won't know since we didn't get to see their efforts. And she's flabbergasted at the idea of sending in an assassin to sneak past the sentries because everyone knows that assassins don't know how to take prisoners.... Yeah....
Review-as-I-read:
Spoilers ahead. All quotes from the book are in blue.
“I do not like to talk about it, but it has never been a secret. Most people know what I am when they see me, and how I became what I am[, a eunuch,] is irrelevant.”
Nevermind he just spent ten minutes going blah, blah, blah about it.
“Kerrion longed to tell Blade that he had no pity in his heart for a man like him, but what the
soldiers had done was so wrong that it made him ashamed.”
I don't think I'll ever be able to read the words, “He/she/it longed for/to” without gagging.
“The more I watched, the more I wanted to kill. .. snip... He created the monster I have become, a killer, remorseless, ruthless and unfeeling. You do not see any tears in my eyes when I speak of what happened, do you? That is because I do not care anymore.”
"He made me the finest assassin in all the lands, for I have no mercy. ...... snip........ Imagine that! An assassin with a soft heart! Yet compared to me, they did have feelings...... snip........ I have never hesitated, never felt the slightest twinge of pity for any man. Every time I kill, I grow emptier. The rush of hot blood does not bring me joy. The sigh of a final breath does not thrill me. I just grow colder inside. So, if you become my next victim, do not waste your breath begging for mercy." Blade shoved him away, sending him staggering back a few steps.”
Okaaayyyy, then. Somehow, I just can't picture the type of person who'd walk up to someone and say “I grow emptier. I just grow colder inside.” Not only is this out of character for Blade, the assassin, this is out of character for normal human beings.
Also, if the hot rush of blood brings him no joy, why the #@$% does he keep doing it? He already said he doesn't give a shit about gold. But earlier, someone heard of rumours that he's killed hundreds. For someone who doesn't find joy in it, that's an awful lot of dead bodies. This may be explored more fully later on, but in the meantime, I'm scratching my head wondering why.
But he is out for revenge. So why doesn't the rush of his enemies' blood give him joy? To summarize, the author is milking the scene for all the cheese and melodrama she can get. This is trying way too hard.
Also, it reeks of self-pity. While a perfectly valid character trait, it has to be handled more carefully than most because it tends to rake in melodrama and hatred for the character. I have a bad feeling about this. When assassin A says he's more cold-hearted than all the other assassins....... Yeah.
Oh, and hatred is not a synonym of emptiness. One might say he is full of hatred, but if he's going to be inhumanely frank and open, he should say he's full of hatred, not emptiness.
And so the prince goads Blade some more. The prince thinks he's so clever, getting Blade to ramble by pissing him off. The prince assumes he's safe, up until Blade smacks him in the face and gags him. And so we see something rare: a main character making a mistake and getting punished for it. Kudos to the author for a reasonable mistake and consequence. No kudos for having Blade say, “You seem to enjoy making me angry. I see that now.”
No shit, sherlock.
“You seem to think that this is something I am ashamed of, and thence stems my anger. But you are wrong.”
No, really. You can stop now. Especially since a paragraph ago, you smacked him for it.
“Much as he disliked Blade for murdering his father and his own harsh treatment, he also
admired his courage, spirit and determination. For all his faults, the assassin was a man with many
admirable traits.”
First of all, I'll mention that the prince did not have a whole lot of affection for his father. So that part isn't a lot out of character. However, I'll mention that the prince so far has seen Blade: A) dress up like a prostitute. B) Lure the king into bed. C) Tell the prince he killed the king. D) Take him hostage and drag him out of the army camp by knifepoint. E) Rant about his horrible childhood. and F) Smack him in the face and tie him up.
The three the prince listed might be accurate, but that hardly qualifies as many. The author is trying to puff up her favourite character and it's ringing hollow.
"You are my prisoner, and subject to my whims. Do you think I would have been content to wait while you bathed?” [the queen said.]
But Blade took a bath. And the queen didn't seem to mind waiting for him. And nobody noticed a thing.
"I cannot imagine how you succeeded when all my men failed. They were the best I had,” [the queen said.]
You only sent five of them against two bazillion, dumbass.
"The Guild of Assassins forbids me to kill without a client, otherwise we would be nothing more than common murderers." [Blade said.]
This is good reasoning. This was done right. The guild part may or may not have sound logic, I don't know yet, but the rule itself is quite good. It allows for the members to make more justifications for what they do.
Then later, Blade stomps all over protocol when in the queen's presence. And does the queen punish him? Burn him alive? Nope. He only gets a mild scolding for leaving in the middle of a conversation with her. I get the distinct feeling I needn't worry about him surviving to the end of the book. If he can be rude to a queen and live, then a few bad guys with swords probably won't hurt him much either.
He already is a eunuch. Which is unusual, since he's a Gary Stu. Kudos for a.... ahem, disability. No kudos for bringing it up every chance possible. But I have a feeling he'll be getting his balls back before the series is over. Just a hunch. Afterall, how else would the queen and he be able to get married and have lots of babies?
And as the book goes on, I'm finding the quality is improving. The author isn't trying so hard. There's more showing, less telling. It doesn't stop dead in its tracks to tell us how special a person is as much. Except for Blade's temper tantrum, the dialogue is sounding more natural.
But on other hand, I just read the line where the prince notes that his people, who live in a freaking desert, use chairs, while the other people, who have forests, use pillows. Sure, the chairs break the stereotype, but unless they import a lot of wood or build metal chairs, it's.... unusal. There's a reason for that stereotype.
To point out something else done right, a few pages later, the queen steamrollers over Blade when he refuses to wear what she wants him to. Sort of. He still gets away with crap he shouldn't, but it isn't ridiculous.
"Too late now. Lords do not kill princes."
But the lords have no problem killing each other.
“-the assassin knew that Kerrion[, as he looked in Blade's eyes,] would find in their wintry depths the chilling certainty that to doubt him was folly.”
Gag me with a bamboo salad fork. More trying too hard to make Blade too special.
Blade is sad/mad/disspointed/upset at not being able to have a family. Kudos to the author for not keeping wanting a family an exclusive female trait.
But then, when the queen calls him a good man, he goes on to say this:
“You are wrong, My Queen. I am not good. I am a cold, unfeeling bastard, a remorseless killer.”
Surely, there has to be a better way of saying that. Something like, “Then how do you account for my profession? Good men are trustworthy.” would be less unnatural. However, it's a rather awkward converation topic to begin with.
“My future is a bleak and empty one, unless I agree to help you in your endeavour. Therefore, I will do as you wish."
Thank you, Blade, for spelling it out to us idiot readers. Otherwise, I might have never known why you even bother with anything.
“Perhaps my trust in him can earn his trustworthiness."
The brilliant queen at her finest. Nevermind she's talking about someone who kills people for a living. Perhaps if someone believes that snake won't bite, it'll just sit there when they poke it.
“To your people I would be your concubine; to mine you would be my consort.”
That.... That is actually a good idea. In some respects. Terrible potential for backlash. The leaders of both sides consorting with each other to pave the way to better relations between the two countires sort of thing.The queen pointed out that a simple treaty wouldn't be enough, so this was her solution.
"He is aptly named, for he cuts both ways, just as a blade would.” [the prince said.]
Blade gave himself that nickname. Like I said, not a big deal in of itself. It's characterization. This, on the other hand, is the author trying to draw attention to their cleverness. If the author had shown how Blade was cutting both ways, fine. This is a thinly veiled fishing scheme for compliments on the author's cleverness.
“-nor had she Kerrion's knack of goading him into speech.”
Kerrion, the prince, got himself smacked in the face with that “knack.” Yes, he left that part out when he told the queen that bit of information. But I, the reader, know that. It's like watching a person covered in something flammable like gasoline going, “Gee, I wish I could sit closer to that fire over there. It's cold in here.” While I know she's said to be intelligent, I know she's only sixteen, but this isn't helping her case any.
“Street cleaners collected dung to fill the little carts they pulled, which they would add to the
vast compost heaps on the city's outskirts. When it was sufficiently mature, they would sell it to
farmers and gardeners to enrich their soil.”
This is excellent world-building. Sure, the farmers would already have some manure, but more wouldn't hurt. Excellent detail. Except for the part where farmers wouldn't mind how fresh it was. Gardeners might, but not farmers. Though that fact might not be commonly known.
The war must continue, or we all face ruin."
This is good motivation. The details as to why the lords face ruin is explained in the book. To them, the war is nothing but numbers and money in their pocket. So unlike so many antagonists out there, they have a reason for mucking around with the protagonists plans.
"Squeamish, Blade? One of your own kind, eh?"
I like that. It's an excellent bit of character building. Blade has no problems with killing people, but he hates the mess it makes if done messily. I also like how the other character misinterpreted Blade's reaction, thinking Blade had a problem with a dead assassin.
“He specialised in slitting throats.”
This makes it sound like rocket science. No, Blade, you mean that his preferred method is slitting throats.
“Should I choose to throw everything at your borders, you will not survive the onslaught.”
This is the prince talking. This is the same prince who will have twenty to thirty thousand bored men if he ends the war. This would be reasonable, assuming the prince's kingdom is a huge place, while the queen's kingdom is tiny. However, the prince is king over a freaking desert. That's all we know about it. It's a desert. There's an oasis where the city is. Blade waltzed into their frontlines, killed their king, took their prince, and waltzed back out. There was absolutely no mention of water or its scarcity. I suspect the author didn't think that one through. Yes, I know the Middle East has a population of a bazillion. The Middle East also has the Black sea, Lake Caspian, the Euphrates and Tigris rivers, and the sea of Jordan. Plus a few oceans nearby. The Middle East is also freaking huge compared to England. However, I know all those details. I don't know anything about the lakes and rivers in the prince's kingdom. So how does his population survive? We don't know yet, 80+ pages into the book. Not good.
“twenty, thirty thousand jobless men on the streets of our cities.”
Jobless men is a huge problem. The crusades were fueled by having people with too much time on their hands. Idleness isn't good for a person. But I'm still surprised they have that many left. How big are these countries?
“The smoke tree was named for its peculiar grey foliage made up of tiny leaves, which gave the appearance of its branches being wreathed in tendrils of smoke. In spring these trees were covered in tiny pink blossoms that gave off a sweet smell, but whose pollen could give a nasty rash and severe itching.”
Excellent bit of world-building. Terrible timing, as Blade is currently trying to break into a heavily guarded mansion. However, it's not that bad, compared to what he thinks about next:
“Returning to his contemplation of the moon, he considered the next phase,”
Blade is staring at the moon, thinking about all five phases and the legends and traditions surrounding them. While he's watching the guards for an opening to break into a mansion and kill a lord. Timing, author. Watch your timing.
“Blade chuckled, drunk on his success and the immense relief that came with a job well done. When he had killed King Shandor he had been denied this wave of euphoria,”
*sigh* “Every time I kill, I grow emptier. The rush of hot blood does not bring me joy.” Correct me if I'm wrong, but he seemed kind of happy back there. Liar, perhaps?
“Blade [looked at the] slumbering sand cat.
"Does she only ever sleep?"”
Keep in mind, his familiar IS a cat.
"Because with Blade out of the way, the Queen will not be able to kill any of us, ........... snip ...............If he could be persuaded to talk, we would find out much from him, I think."
Yes, he knows a lot. Yes, he's dangerous. But with an entire freaking guild of assassins, he's hardly unique. The queen only needs one, successful assassin to kill them all.
"I dislike the notion of killing a fellow lord, upstart or not. He was elevated for slaying King
Shandor and delivering the Prince, honourable deeds. Let us not forget that our forefathers earned
their titles in this fashion, and our ancestors were as common as his. In fact, his earning the rank puts him above us, in my opinion, for we merely inherited ours."
The voice of reason. I like that. The other lords are complaining about Blade's promotion to lord. This lord remembers history and doesn't plot to kill people just because he's jealous.
“cutting away his clothes to bandage them.”
I hope they took off his chain mail t-shirt first. I'd think the author would remember that, considering how much thought goes into what each character is wearing, but it doesn't say.
“the place was a sacred site of ancient stones outside the city, where the [assassin's] guild always met.”
And nobody ever sends an army to that location. Sure. Always meeting at one location doesn't seem to be a very assassiny thing to do.
"How dare you refuse to see me?" She came to his bedside and glared down at him.
Blade glanced past her at Chiana, who hovered by the door, looking smug.”
Ahahaha. The dove person bites back. Take that, you jerk. Realism! I love it. Be a rude dick to the servants and they'll screw you over. And it happened to the Gary Stu. I knew the author was getting better as the book went along.
“Captain Redgard”
All I can think about is the red guards from the Elder Scrolls series. I have no idea if this was intentional or not.
Wait a second..... The assassin's guild rarely defend their own. If you die on the job, you're shit out of luck. Fine. Assassins aren't known for being protective of people. Then why do they care if they kill each other? Guild rules. Fine. But why are they now making a big deal if Blade is answerable to them or the queen? If they're like other guilds, the queen would still have control over them. If they're not like other guilds and don't answer to the queen, why hasn't she stamped them out? It's not like she puts up with a lot of shit unless one happens to be hot.
"This is Scar, aptly named.”
What's with pointing out how apt a name is? Especially when he chose it for himself? With Minna and Chiana, it wasn't until the end that I could automatically distinguish between the two. If the author wanted to make a big deal with names, that would've been a much better place to start.
"It is well known that Blade is no fighter,”
Kudos to the author, since this has been consistent and has screwed Blade over at least twice so far.
“Mendal shook his head. "Providing the Queen makes no further attempts to stop the war, we
have no reason to set ourselves against her."
Look! A smart antogonist! One who quits while he's ahead. Behold and study well, for it may be some time before we see another elsewhere.
“His retainers had rejected Lilu, despite the letter he had given her, which they had dismissed as a
forgery.”
More realism and smart people. “Hm. Filthy prostitue with five children saying she's a buddy of the lord's. Must be a fake.” More kudos to the author. Excellent reason to get Blade out of the castle so he can get ambushed again. I'm just assuming that's why the author needs him to leave. At least this time, he isn't arguing against taking an armed escort with him.
"Once I am King, I intend to restrict your powers, since you only use them for ill.”
And he had been doing so well. Ugh. Up until that point, the prince had managed, quite cleverly, to turn the accusations on their head, accusing his brother instead. It was nothing less than clever. But I don't care how much power a prince, or anybody else, has, YOU DO NOT WARN somebody BEFORE you screw them over. Even a “You had it coming,” after the fact is risky.
“finely crafted wooden chairs”
What did I say about wood in the desert? If only the richest of the rich can afford to use wood to sit on, fine. But that hasn't been mentioned.
“Kerrion sighed as he pondered the strange fact that he had probably been safer in the Jashimari
Queen's palace than he was in his own.”
Then why was he so eager to leave in the first place? “Gee, only, like, two people are trying to kill over here. Over there, all people are trying to kill me. I think I'll go over there, instead of here.” And of course, that's the first we've heard of that little detail. World building on the fly leaves room for these kinds of illogical actions.
“Your estate has one of the richest gold mines in the country."
No wonder why the other lords are so pissed at Blade. Look what he gets.
“their smugness galled him when he thought of all the men who had died to keep these dull people safe.”
But this same person said he just grows emptier and colder. Out of character. This is what happens when an author tries to build up a character as a badass, but then evolves him to a living, breathing person later on.
During a conversation, the queen states to Blade that she is letting him get away with an awful lot, essentially telling him to smarten up. Usually, Gary Stus don't get told off. This book just gets better and better.
“She swung to face him. "I do not want you to go."
The boot came free, surprising Blade, so distracted was he by this unexpected statement. Since
he had been tugging so hard at it, it hit him on the chin with some force.”
She swung to face him. “I do not want you to go.”
The monumentous announcement of love struck Blade like a dagger to th heart. No words could possibly express his surprise. The shock of it touched him to the very core of his being.
Thankfully, the author chose the first way to show Blade is startled. The same announcement might have been like the second version in the first twenty pages of the book. Kudos to the author for improving. The author's way of showing his surprise was effective and vivid. Nothing says distracted like smacking yourself in the face. It's moments like these that a reader remembers in a book.
"Before you usurp me, remember that there is a nest of little vipers just waiting for their turn to
do the same to you. Once I am gone, you will be the next target, and they are just as devious and
scheming as you. I do not see you remaining King for very long."
Now that is something of an epic comeback. None of that plain, simple, “You'll be sorry,” crap. This is an effective verbal punch in the face. It's moments like these that a reader also remembers.
Pg. 113 into the 128 pg. book and now I am laughing in glee at hilarious bickering between two characters. It took a while, but the author is now great with inter-personal dynamics.
"You claim to care about nothing and no one. Why would you put yourself through this humiliation for the Queen?”
THANK YOU. Thank you, prince, for pointing that out and calling Blade out on his erractic behaviour. Then Blade dodges the question. Blade had said he is unfeeling, cold, and empty. Then he says his life is empty if he doesn't help the queen. Then he says her plan is suicidal and he's not going. Then he goes. If this is intentional on the author's part, it's an epic display of capriciousness. If it's not intentional......
“also brought a surge of wonder and fresh tenderness for the Jashimari Queen.”
Ugh. “Wow. She totally tricked me like I was some sort of idiot. She took me for a fool and totally manipulated me and now I'll have lifelong consequences for it. I am feeling so tender for her right now. Not just any tenderness, it's fresh tenderness. With wonder surges on the side.”
"Wait here until you are called. I have to convince them to grant you a pardon first."
And then we get to see that scene. Kudos to the author for not skipping over it. Too often, the readers don't get to see a scene because the author can't figure out how to reach the solution. This author does.
At the end, I still can't tell if Blade was being a melodramatic liar and saying he is empty and he does not enjoy killing people, he meant the killing part wasn't enjoyable, not the succeeding part, or if he was meant to be that way and gave his creator the finger by turning into someone else. With the third option, my characters have done that to me often enough that I know it happens. “What? Be brave? Cheerful? Ha! Screw you, I'm hiding under the bed.” If it was the second one, then the distinction between killing and success should have been made.
*sigh* And just when the author had been doing so well, that if I saw a book on a store shelf of that quality, I wouldn't have blinked, the author goes and does something stupid. Blade is a freaking assassin with a tramatic childhood. You'd think he'd have a little more paranoia and you'd think he'd pay a little more attention to his intuition and surroundings. But instead, he notices the spy seems to hate him, and appears angry enough to kill, and is glaring at Blade's back, and lives in the enemy's country, is the enemy race, and is setting off Blade's alarm bells off left, right, and centre. Does he listen to the bad feeling he has? Does he excersize caution? Does he watch for a knife in the back? Does he use basic common sense and turn around and look behind him once in a while? Nope. And guess what? He gets ambushed.
And the book ends.
And the next one isn't free like this one was.
Perhaps I can find a way to get my hands on the rest of the series. Usually, if it isn't free, not at the library, and not on bookshelves, I can't. For this one, I just might try. I've seen worse on bookstore shelves. *cough-TerryGoodkind-RobertJordan-DennisMcKeirnan-cough-* Despite the flaws early on, it told a coherent story and was quite enjoyable. By the end, I noticed more moments of sheer brilliance than head-scratching logic shortages. The beginning was quite rough. I never would have guessed that the author had written more than one book before. But the author stopped trying too hard and relaxed, the result was quite captivating.
So remember, don't force badassery onto a character. Give your characters abilities, a drive to do something, and a personality, and badassery will follow.
"I kill in many ways, I just have my favourites.”
-Blade