Eragon Rewrite: Chapter 1
So there have been a lot of talks about just what would make an Eragon rewrite work. I've been in on the discussions myself. Now I'm going to give it a try. I'm going to keep the same basic plot as the original but try to present it in a fashion which makes it more appealing.
Unfortunately this also means I'm going to have to read the entire series.
For now, I present: Shade of Fear
[Spoiler (click to open)]Prologue: Shade of Fear
The wind howled bringing with it the scent of elves and horses. Durza brushed aside a long strand of moroon hair and concealed his surprise. They were coming. Unless it was some form of trap. That was always possible.
He looked to the urgal, huge with great horns. ‘Spread out and take cover. Kill them all but leave their possessions to me.’
The monsters hurried into the brush, grunting as they did so. Were these truly the most subtle and stealthy of the clans? Durza was less than impressed. Even so, once they were in position they were relatively quiet.
Hopefully it would be enough.
He turned his attention up the trail. When he had been human, long ago in a time almost beyond memory, he would have been unable to see far. But now, by the light of the moon, the shade could see every detail. He tightened his grip on his sword and looked to where the blade was scratched. No matter how much time that scratch still irritated him.
He’d pay Ajihad back for it sooner or later.
An owl screeched and he looked up as the wretched bird flew overhead. Then there was a crack. He looked to the urgle who had stepped on a twig and resisted the urge to kill him. Why was he burdened with such worthless tools as this?
The minutes ticked on. Then there was a clink as something hit a loose stone. Shapes appeared in the distant darkness at the edge of his vision. Out of the trees came three figures clad in dark clothes. They were all very tall and their skin was fair.
Durga waited as they approached. He prayed that they would not notice. If they sensed him or his warriors too early all this would be for naught. Closer and closer they came. And then they were in range. He found a smile play across his lips as he motioned to the urgals.
At that moment the wind changed. One of them, a tall black haired elf, stiffened and urged her horse to spring forward, crying aloud to her companions. She was too late. Black arrows were launched and riddled the two behind her with them. The screams of the horses, the groans of pain, they were satisfying. But not enough. Too much had been sacrificed to let even one slip past his net. Durza sent a bolt of fire to strike her steed. It collapsed and she was thrown. But she arose just as quickly and fled into the woods. The urgals were after her in a minute.
Durza took no chances. Muttering words of power he summoned a wall of flame that hemmed her in. She turned to face the urgals as they came and drew a sword. It flashed in the moonlight and several of the urgals fell headless. The others hesitated and in that moment she drew out what Durza had sought.
In a panic Durza began to cast a spell. But he was too late. There was an explosion of light and it was gone.
The women fell on the remaining urgals, hacking and slashing wildly and they could not stand before her. All lay dead before Durza could reach them. Then she came at him.
He parried her blow and caught her by the throat. She gasped in agony at his touch and then fell limp. Durza threw her down to the ground. She had frustrated his plans for now. But it could not have been sent far and he would take great pleasure wringing the location from her mind.
He picked her up. Around him a blazing inferno was consuming the trees. He turned and carried the elf away. He quenched the fires in his path but left the rest to burn.
This is the chapter where both our main villain and our main love interest are established. Both are established badly. Durza is almost comical, while Arya is basically just what she is. A designated love interest. When I saw her character I immediately assumed that would be what she is. I was right.
So first off I cut back on the descriptions of the elves. This chapter is from Durza's perspective. Durza doesn't care what the elves look like. And since the text specifically says he is not enchanted by Arya's beauty there is no good reason to describe Arya's beauty. Secondly, I made it so the elves were not dressed in shining mail. This is supposed to be a secret mission. They should not be a remarkable sight.
Instead I gave Arya minimal description and had her get a chance to be awesome. She sends away the stone and then kills all the urgals personally. Which means she is already less of a faux action girl.
I actually kept the last line of dialogue unaltered since it established something of Durza's personality.
Enjoy.
Unfortunately this also means I'm going to have to read the entire series.
For now, I present: Shade of Fear
[Spoiler (click to open)]Prologue: Shade of Fear
The wind howled bringing with it the scent of elves and horses. Durza brushed aside a long strand of moroon hair and concealed his surprise. They were coming. Unless it was some form of trap. That was always possible.
He looked to the urgal, huge with great horns. ‘Spread out and take cover. Kill them all but leave their possessions to me.’
The monsters hurried into the brush, grunting as they did so. Were these truly the most subtle and stealthy of the clans? Durza was less than impressed. Even so, once they were in position they were relatively quiet.
Hopefully it would be enough.
He turned his attention up the trail. When he had been human, long ago in a time almost beyond memory, he would have been unable to see far. But now, by the light of the moon, the shade could see every detail. He tightened his grip on his sword and looked to where the blade was scratched. No matter how much time that scratch still irritated him.
He’d pay Ajihad back for it sooner or later.
An owl screeched and he looked up as the wretched bird flew overhead. Then there was a crack. He looked to the urgle who had stepped on a twig and resisted the urge to kill him. Why was he burdened with such worthless tools as this?
The minutes ticked on. Then there was a clink as something hit a loose stone. Shapes appeared in the distant darkness at the edge of his vision. Out of the trees came three figures clad in dark clothes. They were all very tall and their skin was fair.
Durga waited as they approached. He prayed that they would not notice. If they sensed him or his warriors too early all this would be for naught. Closer and closer they came. And then they were in range. He found a smile play across his lips as he motioned to the urgals.
At that moment the wind changed. One of them, a tall black haired elf, stiffened and urged her horse to spring forward, crying aloud to her companions. She was too late. Black arrows were launched and riddled the two behind her with them. The screams of the horses, the groans of pain, they were satisfying. But not enough. Too much had been sacrificed to let even one slip past his net. Durza sent a bolt of fire to strike her steed. It collapsed and she was thrown. But she arose just as quickly and fled into the woods. The urgals were after her in a minute.
Durza took no chances. Muttering words of power he summoned a wall of flame that hemmed her in. She turned to face the urgals as they came and drew a sword. It flashed in the moonlight and several of the urgals fell headless. The others hesitated and in that moment she drew out what Durza had sought.
In a panic Durza began to cast a spell. But he was too late. There was an explosion of light and it was gone.
The women fell on the remaining urgals, hacking and slashing wildly and they could not stand before her. All lay dead before Durza could reach them. Then she came at him.
He parried her blow and caught her by the throat. She gasped in agony at his touch and then fell limp. Durza threw her down to the ground. She had frustrated his plans for now. But it could not have been sent far and he would take great pleasure wringing the location from her mind.
He picked her up. Around him a blazing inferno was consuming the trees. He turned and carried the elf away. He quenched the fires in his path but left the rest to burn.
This is the chapter where both our main villain and our main love interest are established. Both are established badly. Durza is almost comical, while Arya is basically just what she is. A designated love interest. When I saw her character I immediately assumed that would be what she is. I was right.
So first off I cut back on the descriptions of the elves. This chapter is from Durza's perspective. Durza doesn't care what the elves look like. And since the text specifically says he is not enchanted by Arya's beauty there is no good reason to describe Arya's beauty. Secondly, I made it so the elves were not dressed in shining mail. This is supposed to be a secret mission. They should not be a remarkable sight.
Instead I gave Arya minimal description and had her get a chance to be awesome. She sends away the stone and then kills all the urgals personally. Which means she is already less of a faux action girl.
I actually kept the last line of dialogue unaltered since it established something of Durza's personality.
Enjoy.