Brisingr Spork Chapter 47: Inheritance
Hello, everyone, Anya here, and-HOLY SHIT DUCK AND COVER!
*dusts off* Goddamn, that was a close one.
Anyway, welcome to Chapter 47 of Brisingr, titled with the most painful series title drop I’ve seen in a long, long time. It’s pretty short as far as Pao-chapters go, but don’t think that means it’ll be easy. This is the chapter where Saphira becomes a holodeck, and I’m going to have quite a lot to say about it.
We start pretty much exactly where we left off, with Eragon just having heard all of Oromis’s explanatory bullshit that makes this probably-planned twist come off as a giant retcon. And yes, I do believe that Brom was intended to be Eragon’s father all along. Paoini may write by the seat of his pants quite a lot, but he does plan out major aspects of the story; for reference, see the ending of Inheritance and the dream sequence in Eragon which is basically the same scene but without the massive amounts of padding. Brom being Eragon’s father was pretty obviously foreshadowed; in particular, I remember a scene where Eragon asked him if he knew his mother, and Brom said that he knew her “enough to miss her when she was gone”.
Unfortunately for Paolini, he… well, he did what Toryll and Epistler pointed out, basically having Eragon bring up any issue with the contrived “Brom and Selena fall in love” backstory plot that he can think of and having Oromis handwave them. Thus, we end up with something that almost certainly isn’t a retcon, but sure as hell still feels like one.
Of course, it doesn’t help at all that a lot of the bullshit surrounding the “Brom is Eragon’s father” reveal actually is a huge pile of retconning. I heavily suspect that what Paolini did here was write himself into a corner: he had this dramatic reveal planned, but when the time came to actually reveal it, he realized that it made no sense. However, instead of changing the circumstances of the reveal, he tried to haphazardly patch it together and make it make sense. This chapter is basically the epitome of that. Why the hell would Brom have had Saphira make a mental recording? When was it ever established that dragons had the ability to do such a thing? They aren't fucking holodecks, so... what the hell?
Basically, this whole thing is a partial-retcon strategy that works out pretty much never.
Speaking of things that work out pretty much never, I’d like to submit “overdescribing everything your character does for the sake of padding” as an item for the list, as displayed in the first paragraph of today’s chapter:
Eragon remained sitting at the round table for several minutes, then he stood and walked to the edge of the Crags of Tel’naeir, where he gazed out over the rolling forest a thousand feet below. With the tip of his left boot, he pushed a pebble over the cliff and watched it bounce off the slanted face of the stone until it vanished into the depths of the canopy.
Good god. Seriously, guys, imagine if I wrote Consequence like this.
Vanora stared at the freckles on the backs of her hands, wove her fingers together, and pushed, hoping the muffled cracks of the tense joints would relieve her nerves.
It’s padded, awkward, and gives the impression that the author is so convinced that the readers are all morons. I mean, why else would anyone feel the need to describe the process of knuckle-cracking or idle pebble-kicking?
This is so egregious, I have to put in a There, I Fixed It version:
Eragon tried to stay where he was, but found that impossible. His head was spinning, his thoughts stubbornly refusing to arrange themselves. Sighing, he stood and walked to the edge of the Crags of Tel’naeir, where he paced awkwardly for a moment, occasionally stopping to kick a pebble off the cliff and watch it fall.
What this scene needs, above all, is some kind of emotion. Paolini was clearly going for dazed confusion, but what he got was utter boredom, because he constantly refuses to get out of the way and let the characters show us how they feel. By expressing what Eragon is doing in simpler language and emphasizing what’s going on in his head, I’ve allowed him to do that.
Saphira comes up behind Eragon, all timid and crouching, and asks if he’s angry with her. It is never a good thing when your badass dragon sounds like a battered woman talking to her abusive partner. Eragon says he’s not mad, and says he wishes Brom had told him about their familial relationship… or rather, that he wishes he “hadn’t felt it necessary to hide the truth”, which is way too obviously designed to absolve Brom of any criticism to be realistic. A teenager who just found out that their mentor was actually their father and not only never told them, but also made everyone swear unbreakable oaths not to tell them, would probably be harboring at least a little bitterness toward said mentor. To put it simply, this is obviously Paolini talking rather than Eragon.
Moving on, Saphira asks Eragon how he feels, and Eragon says he feels “acceptance”, but is still having trouble wrapping his head around everything. The actual lines are, of course, overwrought as all hell.
Saphira then asks if Eragon wants to see the memory Brom had her record for him now, or wait until later, and Eragon says he wants to see it now. I would understand this if not for the bizarre justification Eragon gives about how they “may never have the opportunity” if they don’t do it right away. The problem with this is that it’s far too detached; for all Paolini tries to tell us that Eragon is trying to process all this information, he sure doesn’t show it. I would expect Eragon to say something like “yes, I need an explanation now” or “no, I need to process things first”; something that indicates that his mind is indeed still trying to grasp what’s happening now. He shouldn’t be thinking about whether or not they’ll have an opportunity for something in the future like this, at least not until he’s had some time to think on everything.
Regardless, Saphira tells Eragon to “close [his] eyes and let [her] show [him] what once was”. Yep, he’s still keeping it pretentious. Brace yourselves, people, because it only gets worse.
Eragon closes his eyes, and starts to feel “everything that [Saphira] had been experiencing at the time of the memory”. I call bullshit. Saphira is not a hard drive; she’s a thinking creature with a living brain made of organic tissue, and memories stored in that are fuzzy and unreliable. Even a person with a “photographic” memory will omit some details, because the brain simply isn’t wired to store everything like that. And no, “she’s a dragon and it’s magic” does not justify it; that shit is on the level of “a wizard teleported my homework into the dog’s mouth”.
Anyway, the memory takes place in a glade near the Spine, and it’s all very lavishly described, but two things in particular stuck out to me. First, there’s another case of wood being referred to as “punky”, which seems, judging by the discussion of it that we had last time it was used, to be not just an Americanism, but specifically a rural Americanism. Get outside your bubble, Paolini; it’ll help you not use words that make us think the wood has a pink mohawk and multiple eyebrow piercings.
The second is that the lichen on the trees is described as “chartreuse”. Oddly enough, this isn’t completely inaccurate; some lichens are pretty damn colorful. However, using the word “chartreuse” to describe it is anachronistic and clashes with the setting. The color chartreuse was named after a French liqueur introduced in the 1700’s. Most of Alaglag appears to be stuck in the dark ages, or the High Medieval era at the latest, and there is no France. They should not be describing things as “chartreuse”.
Finally, after all that bloated, anachronistic, rural-American description, we get a one-sentence paragraph introducing Brom, sitting in the middle of the clearing on a log. Then we get a bit of bloated description of the man himself, and then a paragraph of him not moving and then finally setting up to go into Lecture Mode.
This is incredibly poor pacing. Paolini is obviously trying mightily to build up tension. “What’s Brom going to say?” we’re supposed to wonder. “What were his reasons for all of this? What advice is he going to give?”
Instead, what Paolini has done is bog down the narrative with unnecessary description that just opens up a metric buttload of headscratchers. I’m not wondering what Brom’s going to say; I’m wondering why the fuck Saphira bothered to show Eragon all this goddamn setup. Cut to the chase, dammit!
Of course, then Brom speaks, and I immediately regret wanting to cut to the chase, because this is the note upon which he begins.
Brom said, “Ever the sun traces its path from horizon to horizon, and ever the moon follows, and ever the days roll past without care for the lives they grind away, one by one.” Lowering his eyes, Brom gazed straight at Saphira and, through her, Eragon. “Try though they might, no being escapes death forever, not even the elves or the spirits. To all, there is an end. If you are watching me, Eragon, then my end has come and I am dead and you know that I am your father.”
*groans and tugs at her hair* Ugghhh… goddammit, I need a haircut. If it’s long enough for me to grasp, it’s too long.
That is such a load of pretentious bullshit that if I barfed right now, it would be purple. Brom, you are leaving a message to your son, not writing a philosophical treatise! And heck, even if you were writing a treatise, it would be highly advisable for you to fill it with actual philosophy rather than these obvious fucking platitudes. Blech… I’m beginning to really remember why I hate Brom.
Also, that last sentence is very clumsily constructed. “My end has come and I am dead”? Paging the Department of Redundancy Department!
If I wanted to give Paolini credit, I would say that the redundancy there was a result of him putting both ideas in to decide which one to use during editing. Unfortunately for him, he’s done this kind of shit so many times that I’m pretty sure it’s intentional, and that he actually thought that having both there would be a good thing.
Brom pulls out his pipe and uses magic to light it, because of course he does, and… OH SHIT, TAKE COVER!
That was a close one too… it’s kind of hard to spot them when they’re a magic word that is also the title of the book. Heck, that might not even be a title drop, just a really annoying callback to the fact that Brom lit fires with brisingr back in Eragon. Either way, though, that’s an anvil.
Anyway, Brom continues with this non-sequitur.
“If you do see this, Eragon, I hope that you are safe and happy and that Galbatorix is dead. However, I realize that’s unlikely, if for no other reason than you are a Dragon Rider, and a Dragon Rider may never rest while there is injustice in the land.”
The first sentence kind of makes sense as a followup to Brom’s previous bit of drivel, but the second is utter nonsense. Why would Eragon being a Dragon Rider mean that he hasn’t killed Galbatorix, and why would him seeing this holodeck recording memory mean that he’s not at rest? I mean, I guess that would preclude being safe and happy, but… what the hell are you trying to say here, Brom? And by Brom, I mean Paolini.
Of course, that question is rhetorical, because I know Paolini isn’t actually trying to say anything. He thinks he is, but all he’s really trying to do is be “epic”.
Brom chuckles like the mentally-stunted dickcheese he is and starts going all old-man-ramble on us. And yes, I am going to continue to show you all of his words just so that you know exactly what I’m talking about when I rip them apart. Heck, you know what? I’m just going to take this shit line by fucking line.
A chuckle escaped Brom and he shook his head, his beard rippling like water. “Ah, I have not the time to say even half of what I would like; I would be twice my current age before I finished.
You and your creator both, Brom.
In the pursuit of brevity,
I shall assume that Saphira has already told you how your mother and I met, how Selena died, and how I came to be in Carvahall. I wish that you and I could have this talk face to face, Eragon, and perhaps we still shall and Saphira will have no need to share this memory with you, but I doubt it.
This is… utterly useless to say in a recorded memory. I can understand some degree of rambling from this old codger, but this kind of shit is entirely pointless. If Saphira never has to show him this memory, he’ll never fucking see it, an thus that little aside of yours is utterly pointless. And if she does have to show it to him, then it’s a pointless hypothetical and thus still pointless! It’s a doubly pointless thing to say!
The sorrows of my years press on me, Eragon, and I feel a cold creeping into my limbs the likes of which has never troubled me before. I think it is because I know it is now your turn to take up the standard.
There is much I still hope to accomplish, but none of it is for myself, only for you, and you shall eclipse everything I have done. Of that, I am sure.
Let’s see… you were an asshole, and he’s going to become a psychopath… yeah, I think that might very well count. Not the way you wanted it to, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, you can’t always get what you want.
Before my grave closes over me, though, I wanted to be able, at least this once, to call you my son… My son… Your whole life, Eragon, I have longed to reveal to you who I was. It has been a pleasure like no other for me to watch you growing up, but also a torture like no other because of the secret I held in my heart.”
Considering everything Toryll and Epistler said in the last couple sporks? Yeah, cry me a fucking river.
Also, is it just me, or is “it has been a pleasure like no other for me to watch you growing up” sound kind of disturbing? Like, in a guy-in-a-windowless-white-van-watching-schoolkids-through-binoculars kind of way?
Brom laughed then, a harsh, barking sound.
Does this chucklehead ever stop laughing? First it was that weird chuckle, now this doggie-laughter.
“Well, I didn’t exactly manage to keep you safe from the Empire, now did I? If you are still wondering who was responsible for Garrow’s death, you need look no further, for here he sits. It was my own foolishness. I should never have returned to Carvahall. And now look: Garrow dead, and you a Dragon Rider. I warn you, Eragon, beware of whom you fall in love with, for fate seems to have a morbid interest in our family.”
Again… how does the latter part of that bit follow from what came before it? The first was all about how Brom’s presence put Eragon and the rest of his family in danger, and then he was suddenly talking about… falling in love? Dude, if it was your fault that Eragon became a Rider and the Empire killed his family because the call to adventure knows where you live, that doesn’t really mean that his romantic prospects are all awful by nature. It might mean that you ruined them, but not that he’s going to be unlucky in love just because “I dunno, FATEHAX!”
Also, I wouldn’t worry too much about Eragon falling in love, Brom. The sociopathic little git isn’t capable of such a thing. I’d worry far more about the object of his affections being hurt by him than by what the Empire or “fate” decided to do to fuck with him.
Wrapping his lips around the stem of his pipe, Brom drew on the smoldering cardus weed several times, blowing the chalk-white smoke off to one side.
More unnecessary description… also, who else got the mental image of Brom’s lips suddenly extending into a weird proboscis-like monstrosity to wrap around the entire pipe-stem?
The pungent smell was heavy in Saphira’s nostrils.
Oh, look, it’s our holodeck service provider! Hi, holodragon!
I’m having a hard time deciding what to make of Paolini’s mentions of Saphira’s senses in this bit, actually. The block description earlier had a mention of her Blue-O-Vision, and there was a bit about Brom looking at Eragon through her, but then she just kind of dropped off the map while Brom talked. And really, that would have been fine, because it’s just a memory of Brom talking, and we know it’s through Saphira. It feels like Paolini forgot that this was a memory, then suddenly remembered in the middle of Brom’s Pretentous Speech of Pretentiousness and thought, “oh, I should remind everyone!”
Of course, that’s not to say that leaving Saphira in the background was the only way to do this. In fact, I would argue that it would have been better to show a bit of Eragon and Saphira’s reactions to the memory as we go through this. Perhaps have there be a bit of remembered tension on Saphira’s part about not being able to tell Eragon, or have Eragon feel something when Brom calls him his son and have Saphira pause the memory to comfort him. That would actually give us some emotion in this bland chapter of holodeck speechification.
Brom said, “I have my share of regrets, but you are not one of them, Eragon.
He really should be, Brom. He really, really should be.
You may occasionally behave like a moon-addled fool,
Understatement of the Year right there… also, is “moon-addled fool” supposed to be some Arglebargian equivalent of “lunatic”? Becaue if so, you really should have tried to establish that in the previous goddamn books, Paolini.
such as letting these blasted Urgals escape, but you are no more of an idiot than I was at your age.” He nodded. “Less of an idiot, in fact.
I shudder to think of what a stupid teenager Brom must have been to be able to say that. At least we now know where Ergy gets it from.
I am proud to have you as my son, Eragon, prouder than you will ever know. I never thought that you would become a Rider as I was, nor wished that future upon you, but seeing you with Saphira, ah, it makes me feel like crowing at the sun like a rooster.”
This… actually could have been kind of decent. There’s some genuine pride in there, and if Paolini and his need to over-embellish everything could just get out of the goddamn way, then maybe it would actually come across. Trim the bit about him never thinking or wishing that Eragon would be a Rider into a smaller chunk, and it could actually work.
With his free hand, Brom grasped the sheath of his sword, the veins prominent on the back of his hand.
Use of the same word at the end of two separate clauses in the same sentence is awkward as fuck. Also, we do not need to know about Brom’s old man veins. We know that old people have very visible veins, Paolini.
He fixed the pipe in one corner of his mouth. “Right. Now, my advice is twofold.
Oh dear… it’s coming… brace yourselves, everyone.
Whatever you do, protect those you care for. Without them, life is more miserable than you can imagine. An obvious statement, I know, but no less true because of it. There, that is the first part of my advice.
The first, possibly-decent-with-some-editing part. I can kind of see where he’s coming with this, considering his backstory of losing his dragon. There’s even a bit of a character voice in the whole “okay, that’s the first part done” sentence.
Unfortunately, it’s all downhill from here, because now we’re going to talk about Galbatorix.
As for the rest… If you are so fortunate as to have already killed Galbatorix-or if anyone has succeeded in slitting that traitor’s throat-then congratulations.
Wow. That’s got it all, hasn’t it? The immediate focus on murdering Galbatorix, complete with encouraging a way to do so that would probably be considered dishonorable in a medieval setting, not to mention straight-up murder, the congratulations for ending a life… yeah, all we need now is for him to go on about how insane good ol’ Galby is!
If not, then you must realize that Galbatorix is your greatest and most dangerous enemy. Until he is dead, neither you nor Saphira will ever find peace. You may run to the farthest corners of the earth, but unless you join the Empire, one day you will have to confront Galbatorix. I am sorry, Eragon, but that is the truth of it.
There’s just one problem with all of this, Brom… if Galby is so intent on hunting Eragon down, why hasn’t he, you know, gotten off his ass? Are the LOLGalbies true?
Seriously, the guy never seems to do anything. I think he realizes he’s in a shitty book and doesn’t want to do anything more than he’s contractually obligated to.
I have fought many magicians, and several of the Forsworn, and so far, I have always defeated my opponents.” The lines on Brom’s forehead deepened. “Well, all but once, but that was because I was not yet fully grown.
Pfffahahahahaha! Excuse me for a moment, I have to laugh maniacally.
I just… seriously! Look at that! “Oh, I got defeated once, but it was because I wasn’t grown up yet! It wasn’t at all because the other guy was better than me!” God, these characters are such fucking children.
Anyway, the reason I have always emerged triumphant is that I use my brain, unlike most.
I am not a strong spellcaster, nor are you, compared with Galbatorix, but when it comes to a wizard’s duel, intelligence is even more important than strength. The way to defeat another magician is not by battering blindly against his mind. No! In order to ensure victory, you have to figure out how your enemy interprets information and reacts to the world. Then you will know his weaknesses, and there you strike. The trick isn’t inventing a spell no one else has ever thought of before; the trick is finding a spell your enemy has overlooked and using it against him. The trick isn’t plowing your way through the barriers in someone’s mind; the trick is slipping underneath or around the barriers. No one is omniscient, Eragon. Remember that. Galbatorix may have immense power, but he cannot anticipate every possibility. Whatever you do, you must remain nimble in your thinking.
*sighs*
*rubs temples*
All right. This is a big one.
Paolini is trying to set up the confrontation between Eragon and Galbatorix as a battle of wits, where the thing that will win the day is creativity and intelligence rather than strength. He honestly thinks that he is setting up a victory based on intellect and finesse rather than brute force. Unfortunately, he’s well on the way to invalidating this, and will go on to further cripple this point in the Green Brick.
Every single battle we see in these books has ended up relying on strength. The fight between Eragon and Durza? It may have been won because Durza got distracted, but he was distracted by Arya physically breaking something. The possible guile points are lost in a flurry of brute force. The fights with Murtagh? Keep being won by Murtagh and his powerup tokens, because Eragon runs out of mana faster. Hell,the existence of the powerup tokens alone is a point against this “intelligence is key” thing: if you need to fight the really powerful guy, you’re gonna need a bunch of plot tokens, as provided by a werecat’s hint about increasing your power, not your intelligence and creativity.
Paolini would tell us that Eragon wins the big standoff in the Green Brick because he figured out that Galbatorix overlooked non-verbal magic. That’s not what happened. What happened was that Paolini ripped off David Eddings and Eragon won via Deus Ex Machina and the help of the dragon-hearts in brute-forcing a non-verbal spell. And before that, all the moves that happened were obvious cliches. There was no battle of wits, only a battle of tropes.
All this stuff that Brom is saying? It’s interesting, it’s solid, and it’s something that really could lead to an original and satisfying conclusion to this series that has been so bogged down with unoriginality. But Paolini did not listen to his own advice. He thinks he did, but what he did was essentially the ultimate Tell, Not Show: he told us that the conflict was going to be a battle of wits, and then showed us a brute-force Deus Ex Machina.
You know who was listening, though? Me. And I intend to bring every sentence Brom says here to bear on Paolini’s precious characters, because Consequence is not dead and I am going to milk these books and this magic system for every loophole I can exploit, then figure out a way to have Vanora find them.
Eragon is going down, and he is going down to someone who followed the advice that he barely even paid lip service to listening to.
And now, back to our sporking! I can see the end of the tunnel, guys. Brom’s almost done talking.
Do not become so attached to any one belief that you cannot see past it to another possibility.
...like the possibility that Galbatorix is a human being rather than the flat caricature of a tyrannical evil overlord that you’ve been painting him as for three brick-sized books? Oh, wait, three-dimensional villains aren’t High Fantasy enough for this series. Carry on!
Galbatorix is mad and therefore unpredictable,
There it is! “He’s mad, therefore he’s evil and unpredictable and scaaaaaary!”
Fuck off, Brom. Just… fuck off.
but he also has gaps in his reasoning that an ordinary person would not. If you can find those, Eragon, then perhaps you and Saphira can defeat him.”
Again: this is all well and good for attempting to set up a battle of wits, Paolini, but if you wanted that to be the conclusion of your series, you fucking failed. You can’t have your enlightenment guile hero cake and eat it with your “epic” swordfights too.
Brom lowered his pipe, his face grave. “I hope you do. My greatest desire, Eragon, is that you and Saphira will live long and fruitful lives, free from fear of Galbatorix and the Empire. I wish that I could protect you from all of the dangers that threaten you, but alas, that is not within my ability. All I can do is give you my advice and teach you what I can now while I am still here… . My son. Whatever happens to you, know that I love you, and so did your mother. May the stars watch over you, Eragon Bromsson.”
And with that, Brom’s speech is done. The conclusion is kind of okay if you trim the “alas” bit and remove the extra dot from that ellipsis (yes, it does have four dots in the book), at least until you remember that “I hope you do” is referring to, you know, killing someone.
Yeah, not so warm and fuzzy now, is it?
I mean, I suppose I could get it if Galbatorix really was the Evil Overlord that Pao-Pao keeps telling us he is, but he hasn’t shown us any actual evidence of the man’s supposed evil. Everything we know about him points to him being lazy, depressed, or overwhelmed and just trying to be a good king, or some combination of those. We haven’t actually seen him going out and oppressing his subjects, or even signing an order to oppress said subjects. We have nothing to go on beyond the word of Eragon’s authority figures, and I think we can all agree that Eragon’s authority figures are uncommonly shitty.
The memory ends, and Eragon opens his eyes and has a bit of a cry, thinking, “Brom really was afraid that I would hate him”. Um… when did that ever come through in the memory?
I’ll tell you when: fucking nowhere. All Brom did was be pretentious, spout some “I love you”s, make false promises as to what the final battle was going to be all about, and fixate on killing a guy who the author really, really, really wants us to hate.
Saphira asks if Eragon’s okay, and he says he’ll be fine and that he’s proud that Brom is his father. Saphira makes a comment about how at least he got to spend time with him, because all she’s got of her parents are “some fuzzy memories from Glaedr”. That could have been interesting to explore, but in true Paolini fashion it will never be mentioned again.
Eragon and Saphira cuddle a little, and then Oromis rings the dinner bell and they go back to the table where we started this chapter.
Which basically just makes all of this pointless. Nothing has changed from the start of this chapter to the end. Eragon saw a memory, but he’s still thinking pretty much the same thing: “Okay, Brom’s my dad, yay! Thank fuck it wasn’t Morzan!” And that could pretty much be applied to the last chapter, too, because all that was was Oromis preempting everything Paolini thought the critics might say.
This chapter and the one before it could be excised or folded back into the one before them with no harm to the surrounding organism. So really, they’re kind of a metaphor for this book as a whole: bloated, unnecessary, and deserving of a place in the cutting room trash bin.
The next chapter is Souls of Stone, in which Eragon and Oromis have more unnecessary chatting about Eragon’s parents for a moment before switching gears to chat about Eldunarya. I’ll be back a few chapters later in The Tree of Life, in which Saphira pisses of a tree.
Until next time!
*dusts off* Goddamn, that was a close one.
Anyway, welcome to Chapter 47 of Brisingr, titled with the most painful series title drop I’ve seen in a long, long time. It’s pretty short as far as Pao-chapters go, but don’t think that means it’ll be easy. This is the chapter where Saphira becomes a holodeck, and I’m going to have quite a lot to say about it.
We start pretty much exactly where we left off, with Eragon just having heard all of Oromis’s explanatory bullshit that makes this probably-planned twist come off as a giant retcon. And yes, I do believe that Brom was intended to be Eragon’s father all along. Paoini may write by the seat of his pants quite a lot, but he does plan out major aspects of the story; for reference, see the ending of Inheritance and the dream sequence in Eragon which is basically the same scene but without the massive amounts of padding. Brom being Eragon’s father was pretty obviously foreshadowed; in particular, I remember a scene where Eragon asked him if he knew his mother, and Brom said that he knew her “enough to miss her when she was gone”.
Unfortunately for Paolini, he… well, he did what Toryll and Epistler pointed out, basically having Eragon bring up any issue with the contrived “Brom and Selena fall in love” backstory plot that he can think of and having Oromis handwave them. Thus, we end up with something that almost certainly isn’t a retcon, but sure as hell still feels like one.
Of course, it doesn’t help at all that a lot of the bullshit surrounding the “Brom is Eragon’s father” reveal actually is a huge pile of retconning. I heavily suspect that what Paolini did here was write himself into a corner: he had this dramatic reveal planned, but when the time came to actually reveal it, he realized that it made no sense. However, instead of changing the circumstances of the reveal, he tried to haphazardly patch it together and make it make sense. This chapter is basically the epitome of that. Why the hell would Brom have had Saphira make a mental recording? When was it ever established that dragons had the ability to do such a thing? They aren't fucking holodecks, so... what the hell?
Basically, this whole thing is a partial-retcon strategy that works out pretty much never.
Speaking of things that work out pretty much never, I’d like to submit “overdescribing everything your character does for the sake of padding” as an item for the list, as displayed in the first paragraph of today’s chapter:
Eragon remained sitting at the round table for several minutes, then he stood and walked to the edge of the Crags of Tel’naeir, where he gazed out over the rolling forest a thousand feet below. With the tip of his left boot, he pushed a pebble over the cliff and watched it bounce off the slanted face of the stone until it vanished into the depths of the canopy.
Good god. Seriously, guys, imagine if I wrote Consequence like this.
Vanora stared at the freckles on the backs of her hands, wove her fingers together, and pushed, hoping the muffled cracks of the tense joints would relieve her nerves.
It’s padded, awkward, and gives the impression that the author is so convinced that the readers are all morons. I mean, why else would anyone feel the need to describe the process of knuckle-cracking or idle pebble-kicking?
This is so egregious, I have to put in a There, I Fixed It version:
Eragon tried to stay where he was, but found that impossible. His head was spinning, his thoughts stubbornly refusing to arrange themselves. Sighing, he stood and walked to the edge of the Crags of Tel’naeir, where he paced awkwardly for a moment, occasionally stopping to kick a pebble off the cliff and watch it fall.
What this scene needs, above all, is some kind of emotion. Paolini was clearly going for dazed confusion, but what he got was utter boredom, because he constantly refuses to get out of the way and let the characters show us how they feel. By expressing what Eragon is doing in simpler language and emphasizing what’s going on in his head, I’ve allowed him to do that.
Saphira comes up behind Eragon, all timid and crouching, and asks if he’s angry with her. It is never a good thing when your badass dragon sounds like a battered woman talking to her abusive partner. Eragon says he’s not mad, and says he wishes Brom had told him about their familial relationship… or rather, that he wishes he “hadn’t felt it necessary to hide the truth”, which is way too obviously designed to absolve Brom of any criticism to be realistic. A teenager who just found out that their mentor was actually their father and not only never told them, but also made everyone swear unbreakable oaths not to tell them, would probably be harboring at least a little bitterness toward said mentor. To put it simply, this is obviously Paolini talking rather than Eragon.
Moving on, Saphira asks Eragon how he feels, and Eragon says he feels “acceptance”, but is still having trouble wrapping his head around everything. The actual lines are, of course, overwrought as all hell.
Saphira then asks if Eragon wants to see the memory Brom had her record for him now, or wait until later, and Eragon says he wants to see it now. I would understand this if not for the bizarre justification Eragon gives about how they “may never have the opportunity” if they don’t do it right away. The problem with this is that it’s far too detached; for all Paolini tries to tell us that Eragon is trying to process all this information, he sure doesn’t show it. I would expect Eragon to say something like “yes, I need an explanation now” or “no, I need to process things first”; something that indicates that his mind is indeed still trying to grasp what’s happening now. He shouldn’t be thinking about whether or not they’ll have an opportunity for something in the future like this, at least not until he’s had some time to think on everything.
Regardless, Saphira tells Eragon to “close [his] eyes and let [her] show [him] what once was”. Yep, he’s still keeping it pretentious. Brace yourselves, people, because it only gets worse.
Eragon closes his eyes, and starts to feel “everything that [Saphira] had been experiencing at the time of the memory”. I call bullshit. Saphira is not a hard drive; she’s a thinking creature with a living brain made of organic tissue, and memories stored in that are fuzzy and unreliable. Even a person with a “photographic” memory will omit some details, because the brain simply isn’t wired to store everything like that. And no, “she’s a dragon and it’s magic” does not justify it; that shit is on the level of “a wizard teleported my homework into the dog’s mouth”.
Anyway, the memory takes place in a glade near the Spine, and it’s all very lavishly described, but two things in particular stuck out to me. First, there’s another case of wood being referred to as “punky”, which seems, judging by the discussion of it that we had last time it was used, to be not just an Americanism, but specifically a rural Americanism. Get outside your bubble, Paolini; it’ll help you not use words that make us think the wood has a pink mohawk and multiple eyebrow piercings.
The second is that the lichen on the trees is described as “chartreuse”. Oddly enough, this isn’t completely inaccurate; some lichens are pretty damn colorful. However, using the word “chartreuse” to describe it is anachronistic and clashes with the setting. The color chartreuse was named after a French liqueur introduced in the 1700’s. Most of Alaglag appears to be stuck in the dark ages, or the High Medieval era at the latest, and there is no France. They should not be describing things as “chartreuse”.
Finally, after all that bloated, anachronistic, rural-American description, we get a one-sentence paragraph introducing Brom, sitting in the middle of the clearing on a log. Then we get a bit of bloated description of the man himself, and then a paragraph of him not moving and then finally setting up to go into Lecture Mode.
This is incredibly poor pacing. Paolini is obviously trying mightily to build up tension. “What’s Brom going to say?” we’re supposed to wonder. “What were his reasons for all of this? What advice is he going to give?”
Instead, what Paolini has done is bog down the narrative with unnecessary description that just opens up a metric buttload of headscratchers. I’m not wondering what Brom’s going to say; I’m wondering why the fuck Saphira bothered to show Eragon all this goddamn setup. Cut to the chase, dammit!
Of course, then Brom speaks, and I immediately regret wanting to cut to the chase, because this is the note upon which he begins.
Brom said, “Ever the sun traces its path from horizon to horizon, and ever the moon follows, and ever the days roll past without care for the lives they grind away, one by one.” Lowering his eyes, Brom gazed straight at Saphira and, through her, Eragon. “Try though they might, no being escapes death forever, not even the elves or the spirits. To all, there is an end. If you are watching me, Eragon, then my end has come and I am dead and you know that I am your father.”
*groans and tugs at her hair* Ugghhh… goddammit, I need a haircut. If it’s long enough for me to grasp, it’s too long.
That is such a load of pretentious bullshit that if I barfed right now, it would be purple. Brom, you are leaving a message to your son, not writing a philosophical treatise! And heck, even if you were writing a treatise, it would be highly advisable for you to fill it with actual philosophy rather than these obvious fucking platitudes. Blech… I’m beginning to really remember why I hate Brom.
Also, that last sentence is very clumsily constructed. “My end has come and I am dead”? Paging the Department of Redundancy Department!
If I wanted to give Paolini credit, I would say that the redundancy there was a result of him putting both ideas in to decide which one to use during editing. Unfortunately for him, he’s done this kind of shit so many times that I’m pretty sure it’s intentional, and that he actually thought that having both there would be a good thing.
Brom pulls out his pipe and uses magic to light it, because of course he does, and… OH SHIT, TAKE COVER!
That was a close one too… it’s kind of hard to spot them when they’re a magic word that is also the title of the book. Heck, that might not even be a title drop, just a really annoying callback to the fact that Brom lit fires with brisingr back in Eragon. Either way, though, that’s an anvil.
Anyway, Brom continues with this non-sequitur.
“If you do see this, Eragon, I hope that you are safe and happy and that Galbatorix is dead. However, I realize that’s unlikely, if for no other reason than you are a Dragon Rider, and a Dragon Rider may never rest while there is injustice in the land.”
The first sentence kind of makes sense as a followup to Brom’s previous bit of drivel, but the second is utter nonsense. Why would Eragon being a Dragon Rider mean that he hasn’t killed Galbatorix, and why would him seeing this holodeck recording memory mean that he’s not at rest? I mean, I guess that would preclude being safe and happy, but… what the hell are you trying to say here, Brom? And by Brom, I mean Paolini.
Of course, that question is rhetorical, because I know Paolini isn’t actually trying to say anything. He thinks he is, but all he’s really trying to do is be “epic”.
Brom chuckles like the mentally-stunted dickcheese he is and starts going all old-man-ramble on us. And yes, I am going to continue to show you all of his words just so that you know exactly what I’m talking about when I rip them apart. Heck, you know what? I’m just going to take this shit line by fucking line.
A chuckle escaped Brom and he shook his head, his beard rippling like water. “Ah, I have not the time to say even half of what I would like; I would be twice my current age before I finished.
You and your creator both, Brom.
In the pursuit of brevity,
I shall assume that Saphira has already told you how your mother and I met, how Selena died, and how I came to be in Carvahall. I wish that you and I could have this talk face to face, Eragon, and perhaps we still shall and Saphira will have no need to share this memory with you, but I doubt it.
This is… utterly useless to say in a recorded memory. I can understand some degree of rambling from this old codger, but this kind of shit is entirely pointless. If Saphira never has to show him this memory, he’ll never fucking see it, an thus that little aside of yours is utterly pointless. And if she does have to show it to him, then it’s a pointless hypothetical and thus still pointless! It’s a doubly pointless thing to say!
The sorrows of my years press on me, Eragon, and I feel a cold creeping into my limbs the likes of which has never troubled me before. I think it is because I know it is now your turn to take up the standard.
There is much I still hope to accomplish, but none of it is for myself, only for you, and you shall eclipse everything I have done. Of that, I am sure.
Let’s see… you were an asshole, and he’s going to become a psychopath… yeah, I think that might very well count. Not the way you wanted it to, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, you can’t always get what you want.
Before my grave closes over me, though, I wanted to be able, at least this once, to call you my son… My son… Your whole life, Eragon, I have longed to reveal to you who I was. It has been a pleasure like no other for me to watch you growing up, but also a torture like no other because of the secret I held in my heart.”
Considering everything Toryll and Epistler said in the last couple sporks? Yeah, cry me a fucking river.
Also, is it just me, or is “it has been a pleasure like no other for me to watch you growing up” sound kind of disturbing? Like, in a guy-in-a-windowless-white-van-watching-schoolkids-through-binoculars kind of way?
Brom laughed then, a harsh, barking sound.
Does this chucklehead ever stop laughing? First it was that weird chuckle, now this doggie-laughter.
“Well, I didn’t exactly manage to keep you safe from the Empire, now did I? If you are still wondering who was responsible for Garrow’s death, you need look no further, for here he sits. It was my own foolishness. I should never have returned to Carvahall. And now look: Garrow dead, and you a Dragon Rider. I warn you, Eragon, beware of whom you fall in love with, for fate seems to have a morbid interest in our family.”
Again… how does the latter part of that bit follow from what came before it? The first was all about how Brom’s presence put Eragon and the rest of his family in danger, and then he was suddenly talking about… falling in love? Dude, if it was your fault that Eragon became a Rider and the Empire killed his family because the call to adventure knows where you live, that doesn’t really mean that his romantic prospects are all awful by nature. It might mean that you ruined them, but not that he’s going to be unlucky in love just because “I dunno, FATEHAX!”
Also, I wouldn’t worry too much about Eragon falling in love, Brom. The sociopathic little git isn’t capable of such a thing. I’d worry far more about the object of his affections being hurt by him than by what the Empire or “fate” decided to do to fuck with him.
Wrapping his lips around the stem of his pipe, Brom drew on the smoldering cardus weed several times, blowing the chalk-white smoke off to one side.
More unnecessary description… also, who else got the mental image of Brom’s lips suddenly extending into a weird proboscis-like monstrosity to wrap around the entire pipe-stem?
The pungent smell was heavy in Saphira’s nostrils.
Oh, look, it’s our holodeck service provider! Hi, holodragon!
I’m having a hard time deciding what to make of Paolini’s mentions of Saphira’s senses in this bit, actually. The block description earlier had a mention of her Blue-O-Vision, and there was a bit about Brom looking at Eragon through her, but then she just kind of dropped off the map while Brom talked. And really, that would have been fine, because it’s just a memory of Brom talking, and we know it’s through Saphira. It feels like Paolini forgot that this was a memory, then suddenly remembered in the middle of Brom’s Pretentous Speech of Pretentiousness and thought, “oh, I should remind everyone!”
Of course, that’s not to say that leaving Saphira in the background was the only way to do this. In fact, I would argue that it would have been better to show a bit of Eragon and Saphira’s reactions to the memory as we go through this. Perhaps have there be a bit of remembered tension on Saphira’s part about not being able to tell Eragon, or have Eragon feel something when Brom calls him his son and have Saphira pause the memory to comfort him. That would actually give us some emotion in this bland chapter of holodeck speechification.
Brom said, “I have my share of regrets, but you are not one of them, Eragon.
He really should be, Brom. He really, really should be.
You may occasionally behave like a moon-addled fool,
Understatement of the Year right there… also, is “moon-addled fool” supposed to be some Arglebargian equivalent of “lunatic”? Becaue if so, you really should have tried to establish that in the previous goddamn books, Paolini.
such as letting these blasted Urgals escape, but you are no more of an idiot than I was at your age.” He nodded. “Less of an idiot, in fact.
I shudder to think of what a stupid teenager Brom must have been to be able to say that. At least we now know where Ergy gets it from.
I am proud to have you as my son, Eragon, prouder than you will ever know. I never thought that you would become a Rider as I was, nor wished that future upon you, but seeing you with Saphira, ah, it makes me feel like crowing at the sun like a rooster.”
This… actually could have been kind of decent. There’s some genuine pride in there, and if Paolini and his need to over-embellish everything could just get out of the goddamn way, then maybe it would actually come across. Trim the bit about him never thinking or wishing that Eragon would be a Rider into a smaller chunk, and it could actually work.
With his free hand, Brom grasped the sheath of his sword, the veins prominent on the back of his hand.
Use of the same word at the end of two separate clauses in the same sentence is awkward as fuck. Also, we do not need to know about Brom’s old man veins. We know that old people have very visible veins, Paolini.
He fixed the pipe in one corner of his mouth. “Right. Now, my advice is twofold.
Oh dear… it’s coming… brace yourselves, everyone.
Whatever you do, protect those you care for. Without them, life is more miserable than you can imagine. An obvious statement, I know, but no less true because of it. There, that is the first part of my advice.
The first, possibly-decent-with-some-editing part. I can kind of see where he’s coming with this, considering his backstory of losing his dragon. There’s even a bit of a character voice in the whole “okay, that’s the first part done” sentence.
Unfortunately, it’s all downhill from here, because now we’re going to talk about Galbatorix.
As for the rest… If you are so fortunate as to have already killed Galbatorix-or if anyone has succeeded in slitting that traitor’s throat-then congratulations.
Wow. That’s got it all, hasn’t it? The immediate focus on murdering Galbatorix, complete with encouraging a way to do so that would probably be considered dishonorable in a medieval setting, not to mention straight-up murder, the congratulations for ending a life… yeah, all we need now is for him to go on about how insane good ol’ Galby is!
If not, then you must realize that Galbatorix is your greatest and most dangerous enemy. Until he is dead, neither you nor Saphira will ever find peace. You may run to the farthest corners of the earth, but unless you join the Empire, one day you will have to confront Galbatorix. I am sorry, Eragon, but that is the truth of it.
There’s just one problem with all of this, Brom… if Galby is so intent on hunting Eragon down, why hasn’t he, you know, gotten off his ass? Are the LOLGalbies true?
Seriously, the guy never seems to do anything. I think he realizes he’s in a shitty book and doesn’t want to do anything more than he’s contractually obligated to.
I have fought many magicians, and several of the Forsworn, and so far, I have always defeated my opponents.” The lines on Brom’s forehead deepened. “Well, all but once, but that was because I was not yet fully grown.
Pfffahahahahaha! Excuse me for a moment, I have to laugh maniacally.
I just… seriously! Look at that! “Oh, I got defeated once, but it was because I wasn’t grown up yet! It wasn’t at all because the other guy was better than me!” God, these characters are such fucking children.
Anyway, the reason I have always emerged triumphant is that I use my brain, unlike most.
I am not a strong spellcaster, nor are you, compared with Galbatorix, but when it comes to a wizard’s duel, intelligence is even more important than strength. The way to defeat another magician is not by battering blindly against his mind. No! In order to ensure victory, you have to figure out how your enemy interprets information and reacts to the world. Then you will know his weaknesses, and there you strike. The trick isn’t inventing a spell no one else has ever thought of before; the trick is finding a spell your enemy has overlooked and using it against him. The trick isn’t plowing your way through the barriers in someone’s mind; the trick is slipping underneath or around the barriers. No one is omniscient, Eragon. Remember that. Galbatorix may have immense power, but he cannot anticipate every possibility. Whatever you do, you must remain nimble in your thinking.
*sighs*
*rubs temples*
All right. This is a big one.
Paolini is trying to set up the confrontation between Eragon and Galbatorix as a battle of wits, where the thing that will win the day is creativity and intelligence rather than strength. He honestly thinks that he is setting up a victory based on intellect and finesse rather than brute force. Unfortunately, he’s well on the way to invalidating this, and will go on to further cripple this point in the Green Brick.
Every single battle we see in these books has ended up relying on strength. The fight between Eragon and Durza? It may have been won because Durza got distracted, but he was distracted by Arya physically breaking something. The possible guile points are lost in a flurry of brute force. The fights with Murtagh? Keep being won by Murtagh and his powerup tokens, because Eragon runs out of mana faster. Hell,the existence of the powerup tokens alone is a point against this “intelligence is key” thing: if you need to fight the really powerful guy, you’re gonna need a bunch of plot tokens, as provided by a werecat’s hint about increasing your power, not your intelligence and creativity.
Paolini would tell us that Eragon wins the big standoff in the Green Brick because he figured out that Galbatorix overlooked non-verbal magic. That’s not what happened. What happened was that Paolini ripped off David Eddings and Eragon won via Deus Ex Machina and the help of the dragon-hearts in brute-forcing a non-verbal spell. And before that, all the moves that happened were obvious cliches. There was no battle of wits, only a battle of tropes.
All this stuff that Brom is saying? It’s interesting, it’s solid, and it’s something that really could lead to an original and satisfying conclusion to this series that has been so bogged down with unoriginality. But Paolini did not listen to his own advice. He thinks he did, but what he did was essentially the ultimate Tell, Not Show: he told us that the conflict was going to be a battle of wits, and then showed us a brute-force Deus Ex Machina.
You know who was listening, though? Me. And I intend to bring every sentence Brom says here to bear on Paolini’s precious characters, because Consequence is not dead and I am going to milk these books and this magic system for every loophole I can exploit, then figure out a way to have Vanora find them.
Eragon is going down, and he is going down to someone who followed the advice that he barely even paid lip service to listening to.
And now, back to our sporking! I can see the end of the tunnel, guys. Brom’s almost done talking.
Do not become so attached to any one belief that you cannot see past it to another possibility.
...like the possibility that Galbatorix is a human being rather than the flat caricature of a tyrannical evil overlord that you’ve been painting him as for three brick-sized books? Oh, wait, three-dimensional villains aren’t High Fantasy enough for this series. Carry on!
Galbatorix is mad and therefore unpredictable,
There it is! “He’s mad, therefore he’s evil and unpredictable and scaaaaaary!”
Fuck off, Brom. Just… fuck off.
but he also has gaps in his reasoning that an ordinary person would not. If you can find those, Eragon, then perhaps you and Saphira can defeat him.”
Again: this is all well and good for attempting to set up a battle of wits, Paolini, but if you wanted that to be the conclusion of your series, you fucking failed. You can’t have your enlightenment guile hero cake and eat it with your “epic” swordfights too.
Brom lowered his pipe, his face grave. “I hope you do. My greatest desire, Eragon, is that you and Saphira will live long and fruitful lives, free from fear of Galbatorix and the Empire. I wish that I could protect you from all of the dangers that threaten you, but alas, that is not within my ability. All I can do is give you my advice and teach you what I can now while I am still here… . My son. Whatever happens to you, know that I love you, and so did your mother. May the stars watch over you, Eragon Bromsson.”
And with that, Brom’s speech is done. The conclusion is kind of okay if you trim the “alas” bit and remove the extra dot from that ellipsis (yes, it does have four dots in the book), at least until you remember that “I hope you do” is referring to, you know, killing someone.
Yeah, not so warm and fuzzy now, is it?
I mean, I suppose I could get it if Galbatorix really was the Evil Overlord that Pao-Pao keeps telling us he is, but he hasn’t shown us any actual evidence of the man’s supposed evil. Everything we know about him points to him being lazy, depressed, or overwhelmed and just trying to be a good king, or some combination of those. We haven’t actually seen him going out and oppressing his subjects, or even signing an order to oppress said subjects. We have nothing to go on beyond the word of Eragon’s authority figures, and I think we can all agree that Eragon’s authority figures are uncommonly shitty.
The memory ends, and Eragon opens his eyes and has a bit of a cry, thinking, “Brom really was afraid that I would hate him”. Um… when did that ever come through in the memory?
I’ll tell you when: fucking nowhere. All Brom did was be pretentious, spout some “I love you”s, make false promises as to what the final battle was going to be all about, and fixate on killing a guy who the author really, really, really wants us to hate.
Saphira asks if Eragon’s okay, and he says he’ll be fine and that he’s proud that Brom is his father. Saphira makes a comment about how at least he got to spend time with him, because all she’s got of her parents are “some fuzzy memories from Glaedr”. That could have been interesting to explore, but in true Paolini fashion it will never be mentioned again.
Eragon and Saphira cuddle a little, and then Oromis rings the dinner bell and they go back to the table where we started this chapter.
Which basically just makes all of this pointless. Nothing has changed from the start of this chapter to the end. Eragon saw a memory, but he’s still thinking pretty much the same thing: “Okay, Brom’s my dad, yay! Thank fuck it wasn’t Morzan!” And that could pretty much be applied to the last chapter, too, because all that was was Oromis preempting everything Paolini thought the critics might say.
This chapter and the one before it could be excised or folded back into the one before them with no harm to the surrounding organism. So really, they’re kind of a metaphor for this book as a whole: bloated, unnecessary, and deserving of a place in the cutting room trash bin.
The next chapter is Souls of Stone, in which Eragon and Oromis have more unnecessary chatting about Eragon’s parents for a moment before switching gears to chat about Eldunarya. I’ll be back a few chapters later in The Tree of Life, in which Saphira pisses of a tree.
Until next time!