(no subject)
i've let my dreams and priorities become sidetracked. somehow i find myself living a more pointless existence than i intended for. did i fail to control my life through my indecisiveness, or is this just proof that we are helpless to change or make anything for ourselves? whatever it is, i'm wasting my life. but what are my dreams anyway?
well more than anything i want to get out of here and become sustainable. i want to live on a patch of land with my friends. i need this land to have a moving water source (stream, river, creek, etc) and preferably have mountains and forests on it, so they can continue to exist for their own sake. i want need to grow all my own food, indoors and hydroponically, so i don't have to rely on the earth's decrepit soil to provide me with sustenance. i also want need to have an animal sanctuary on the place, where liberated/rescued animals can come to live out their natural lives. i need to produce all my own energy. be completely off the grid so when this shit crashes, i will not fall with it. because i want to live to create and exist in a better world.
other dreams include a lot more travelling and continuing my education. i'm not interested in any degree, i just want to gain more knowledge. work is painfully mindnumbing, and although i read a lot, i want something more to stimulate my mind. however, i don't think i will start school again until i'm in a place where i can self-sustain because i don't want to be tied down to anything here.
my biggest dream is the first one mentioned, to become self-sufficient. this has to happen sooner than later. actually as soon as possible. zach are you coming with me? friends- are you coming with me? or do i have to forge this path alone? if i were to go alone, i could make it happen today..
on that thought, i really don't want to go alone. i don't want to be alone. although i'm more of a loner than a social person, it really sucks being completely and utterly alone in life. that's how i lived in tampa and it was miserable.
zach baby, i know you want to get out of orlando, but i know you also don't want to leave right now because of your friends and your bands. and i would never want to ask you to leave any of that. but what will it take for you to get out of here? when will you be ready to leave? am i ready to leave? well what do i even have going for me here? a few friends. a job that sucks. the few friends are the only worthwhile thing, and i know i will stay in touch with the true ones. that's why me and tracy and jimmy are still friends, and buddha and mj steve.
speaking of friends, i've been finding out who my real friends are lately. it's hurtful but only because i refused to accept what i already knew and acknowledge the pain of losing some. all of my former best friends aren't even friends with me anymore. i don't even consider every person in orlando to be my friend, or anything more than an aqquaintence. some people don't really care about me, some treat me like shit, acting as if i'm nothing more than "zach's girlfriend". i'm not even "liz" to them, i couldn't possibly be my own person. but fuck those people who make me feel like that because i don't want to have "friends" like that anyway. i don't have a lot of friends but at least the people who are my friends don't treat me like shit, actually it's the exact opposite of that, and you know who you are.
i don't know if people (that matter to you) are a good deciding factor to stay/leave a place. on one hand, i think it's important for me to live my life to the fullest and not let anything/anyone hold me back. on the other hand, what's more important in life than your relationship and friendships? what has the ability to bring you greater happiness?
aside from my friends, i really don't have anything going for me in orlando, or in my life in general. i'm not very happy either. i think if i want something more out of life (which i do), i need to get out of here. all i am doing here is existing and decaying. i'm not doing anything productive or worthwhile. i'm not good at anything and this city offers me nothing to pursue. well i know that's more of my fault than the city's, but a dead city really leaves you with nothing and hinders your creativity. i want to be excited about life.
every second i'm surrounded by this techno-industrial ugliness, this destroyed barren land, and these shallow lifeless robots who make up most of the population, i feel a little more of myself die on the inside. i can't continue to live like this.
well more than anything i want to get out of here and become sustainable. i want to live on a patch of land with my friends. i need this land to have a moving water source (stream, river, creek, etc) and preferably have mountains and forests on it, so they can continue to exist for their own sake. i want need to grow all my own food, indoors and hydroponically, so i don't have to rely on the earth's decrepit soil to provide me with sustenance. i also want need to have an animal sanctuary on the place, where liberated/rescued animals can come to live out their natural lives. i need to produce all my own energy. be completely off the grid so when this shit crashes, i will not fall with it. because i want to live to create and exist in a better world.
other dreams include a lot more travelling and continuing my education. i'm not interested in any degree, i just want to gain more knowledge. work is painfully mindnumbing, and although i read a lot, i want something more to stimulate my mind. however, i don't think i will start school again until i'm in a place where i can self-sustain because i don't want to be tied down to anything here.
my biggest dream is the first one mentioned, to become self-sufficient. this has to happen sooner than later. actually as soon as possible. zach are you coming with me? friends- are you coming with me? or do i have to forge this path alone? if i were to go alone, i could make it happen today..
on that thought, i really don't want to go alone. i don't want to be alone. although i'm more of a loner than a social person, it really sucks being completely and utterly alone in life. that's how i lived in tampa and it was miserable.
zach baby, i know you want to get out of orlando, but i know you also don't want to leave right now because of your friends and your bands. and i would never want to ask you to leave any of that. but what will it take for you to get out of here? when will you be ready to leave? am i ready to leave? well what do i even have going for me here? a few friends. a job that sucks. the few friends are the only worthwhile thing, and i know i will stay in touch with the true ones. that's why me and tracy and jimmy are still friends, and buddha and mj steve.
speaking of friends, i've been finding out who my real friends are lately. it's hurtful but only because i refused to accept what i already knew and acknowledge the pain of losing some. all of my former best friends aren't even friends with me anymore. i don't even consider every person in orlando to be my friend, or anything more than an aqquaintence. some people don't really care about me, some treat me like shit, acting as if i'm nothing more than "zach's girlfriend". i'm not even "liz" to them, i couldn't possibly be my own person. but fuck those people who make me feel like that because i don't want to have "friends" like that anyway. i don't have a lot of friends but at least the people who are my friends don't treat me like shit, actually it's the exact opposite of that, and you know who you are.
i don't know if people (that matter to you) are a good deciding factor to stay/leave a place. on one hand, i think it's important for me to live my life to the fullest and not let anything/anyone hold me back. on the other hand, what's more important in life than your relationship and friendships? what has the ability to bring you greater happiness?
aside from my friends, i really don't have anything going for me in orlando, or in my life in general. i'm not very happy either. i think if i want something more out of life (which i do), i need to get out of here. all i am doing here is existing and decaying. i'm not doing anything productive or worthwhile. i'm not good at anything and this city offers me nothing to pursue. well i know that's more of my fault than the city's, but a dead city really leaves you with nothing and hinders your creativity. i want to be excited about life.
every second i'm surrounded by this techno-industrial ugliness, this destroyed barren land, and these shallow lifeless robots who make up most of the population, i feel a little more of myself die on the inside. i can't continue to live like this.