It is my curse
Well, I just tried to chat with the suicide prevention people, but I get no reception in my apartment and all operators on their chat service are currently busy. So I'm writing on here to circumvent any irrational behavior.
I'm too sensitive for this world. I'm hurt too easily, and I'm the one that it's easy to make fun of or hurt or be rude to because I'm the most open and the nicest. I don't have snarky comebacks when people are rude, and I can't be witty or edgy when I don't feel comfortable. I hurt so much.
John once told me he believed it was a strong possibility that I'd die by suicide. I've been hoping since then that it wasn't true. God, I hope it's not true.
But the farther along I go in life, the more isolated I feel. I feel isolated from my family, which is the hardest. I'm far from my parents, and Josh is already dealing with Robin, and then last night happened. Josh and Robin's friend very subtly picked on me all last night at dinner, when it was just the four of us. He didn't laugh at my stupid jokes, and then he picked apart the things I said. He challenged so much of what I said just to be disagreeable. He didn't do this to them; I don't know why he did it to me. Josh saw that I was unhappy at some point and then started trying to help me out, saying he could understand what I was saying. At one point, the guy was talking to Robin and I was talking to Josh and he hears one thing i said and decides to pick on my word choice, which, now that I think about it, I was just fine in using. I was explaining how the protagonist in Of Human Bondage realized he no longer believed in God. I used the word "realized," which still makes sense. It's faith, and faith is irrational and so it doesn't have to be governed by a thought process. I don't know why I'm even explaining this.
It's because I'm worried about myself. I'm very, very genuinely worried. He asked me what I do, and for the first time in months, my first answer was not that I am a writer, it was that "I work in operations." And I explained it a little bit, and then Josh followed up by saying I'm a writer. Then he asked what I was working on, and Josh told me to explain the contract to him, the one he and I had made together. And it sounded like such a childish thing, and Robin said, "it's to encourage her." And I realized how stupid I am. How infantile. How pointless everything I do is. And the guy's entire demeanor was that I had to prove something to him.
And I can't prove anything to myself.
And the guy kept asking me questions, or I tried to speak, and so many times after I spoke, the conversation died. At one point, I even had to say, "Someone say SOMETHING besides me." And then at one point I told a story, which was the last time I tried to tell a story, and I was laughing at it, and now one was, so I just laughed myself, desperately, and looked at Josh, who laughed to be courteous...maybe. I felt like I was on the phone. This is actually the reason why I am terrified of being on the phone-I'm traumatized for holes in the conversation, for one reason or another.
I'm so sad. I feel so misunderstood by the world. When I'm in a social situation, I'm always trying to be the nice, supportive, sweet person who's friendly and just wants to make the other person happy and feel understood. That's what I do. That's the person I am. I don't understand why people can't just be nice and not make fun of me or not be rude to me or not tell me terrible, terrible things (Adrian). I could be more guarded or more snarky or less friendly, but really, I can't be. I don't want to be one of those people who makes me feel terrible. But then there are people who think I'm great, but they're generally self-absorbed or unavailable or don't understand me for other reasons (Alex).
I won't kill myself. Hopefully not ever. I was researching other places to move because I have to get out of here. I am no one in the world, and New York is full of shitty, self-absorbed people who are trying to "be someone" in the world. I'm in an apartment with a girl who's just a huge passive-aggressive bitch, even though I've never been anything but nice, meeting her more than halfway in cleaning, buying things, and showing respect for her space.
I was looking for islands to move to, so I could just be on my own. Maybe melodramatic, but I don't know where to go. I am scared, but I know that people are mostly the same everywhere. I will be alone anywhere I go. It's my curse. No one really understands me, I will always be sensitive and hurt like this, and there is no escape if I'm to continue living.
I'm too sensitive for this world. I'm hurt too easily, and I'm the one that it's easy to make fun of or hurt or be rude to because I'm the most open and the nicest. I don't have snarky comebacks when people are rude, and I can't be witty or edgy when I don't feel comfortable. I hurt so much.
John once told me he believed it was a strong possibility that I'd die by suicide. I've been hoping since then that it wasn't true. God, I hope it's not true.
But the farther along I go in life, the more isolated I feel. I feel isolated from my family, which is the hardest. I'm far from my parents, and Josh is already dealing with Robin, and then last night happened. Josh and Robin's friend very subtly picked on me all last night at dinner, when it was just the four of us. He didn't laugh at my stupid jokes, and then he picked apart the things I said. He challenged so much of what I said just to be disagreeable. He didn't do this to them; I don't know why he did it to me. Josh saw that I was unhappy at some point and then started trying to help me out, saying he could understand what I was saying. At one point, the guy was talking to Robin and I was talking to Josh and he hears one thing i said and decides to pick on my word choice, which, now that I think about it, I was just fine in using. I was explaining how the protagonist in Of Human Bondage realized he no longer believed in God. I used the word "realized," which still makes sense. It's faith, and faith is irrational and so it doesn't have to be governed by a thought process. I don't know why I'm even explaining this.
It's because I'm worried about myself. I'm very, very genuinely worried. He asked me what I do, and for the first time in months, my first answer was not that I am a writer, it was that "I work in operations." And I explained it a little bit, and then Josh followed up by saying I'm a writer. Then he asked what I was working on, and Josh told me to explain the contract to him, the one he and I had made together. And it sounded like such a childish thing, and Robin said, "it's to encourage her." And I realized how stupid I am. How infantile. How pointless everything I do is. And the guy's entire demeanor was that I had to prove something to him.
And I can't prove anything to myself.
And the guy kept asking me questions, or I tried to speak, and so many times after I spoke, the conversation died. At one point, I even had to say, "Someone say SOMETHING besides me." And then at one point I told a story, which was the last time I tried to tell a story, and I was laughing at it, and now one was, so I just laughed myself, desperately, and looked at Josh, who laughed to be courteous...maybe. I felt like I was on the phone. This is actually the reason why I am terrified of being on the phone-I'm traumatized for holes in the conversation, for one reason or another.
I'm so sad. I feel so misunderstood by the world. When I'm in a social situation, I'm always trying to be the nice, supportive, sweet person who's friendly and just wants to make the other person happy and feel understood. That's what I do. That's the person I am. I don't understand why people can't just be nice and not make fun of me or not be rude to me or not tell me terrible, terrible things (Adrian). I could be more guarded or more snarky or less friendly, but really, I can't be. I don't want to be one of those people who makes me feel terrible. But then there are people who think I'm great, but they're generally self-absorbed or unavailable or don't understand me for other reasons (Alex).
I won't kill myself. Hopefully not ever. I was researching other places to move because I have to get out of here. I am no one in the world, and New York is full of shitty, self-absorbed people who are trying to "be someone" in the world. I'm in an apartment with a girl who's just a huge passive-aggressive bitch, even though I've never been anything but nice, meeting her more than halfway in cleaning, buying things, and showing respect for her space.
I was looking for islands to move to, so I could just be on my own. Maybe melodramatic, but I don't know where to go. I am scared, but I know that people are mostly the same everywhere. I will be alone anywhere I go. It's my curse. No one really understands me, I will always be sensitive and hurt like this, and there is no escape if I'm to continue living.